


The Last of the Real Ones

by plumrain



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A WHOLE LOT OF DRAMA, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Complications, Drama, Drug Abuse, F/M, First Love, Gang Violence, High School, Love, M/M, Nobody wants to stay in Jakku, POV Armitage Hux, POV Finn (Star Wars), POV Kylo Ren, POV Poe Dameron, POV Rey (Star Wars), Peer Pressure, Senior year, Slow Burn, Star wars quotes, Strong Language, There are some good bits, dark secrets, not everything is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 59,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23579191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumrain/pseuds/plumrain
Summary: Rey is a senior in high school who just can't wait to leave her boring hometown Jakku. All her life she had the feeling that nothing ever happened to her, that she had just lived an ordinary life like every other teenager.Kylo Ren is a member of a gang called "The First Order". He is known to have a bad reputation just like his friends Snoke and Hux. Drugs, booze, trouble and carelessness are things that are associated with him, even though nobody seems to know him well enough to know who he really is.After a party, both Rey's and Kylo's lives change. Something that neither Rey nor Kylo thought would ever happen to them.Especially not in Jakku.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 44
Kudos: 56





	1. The Invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never wanted anything to do with any of the "First Order" members. 
> 
> Wherever they went, trouble always followed.

Rey

_One more year and then I'm out of this dump,_ I thought looking at myself in the mirror. I was wearing my favorite beige cardigan that went down to my knees and a white top with my jeans. My brown hair was tied into three buns on the back of my head. 

I was really looking forward to leaving Jakku and I was _really_ looking forward to leaving high school by the end of this year. _Nothing_ ever happened in Jakku, _ever_. Which is why I was excited about my first day as a senior. It was my first step towards freedom.

I grabbed my bag and headed downstairs to wait for my best friend Finn to pick me up. When I arrived downstairs my mom greeted me with wet eyes and the biggest smile I had ever seen.

"It's my baby's first day of being a senior!" she hugged me, her tears staining my cardigan.

"Mom, I still have one year to go, you shouldn't be crying just yet," I said, trying to calm her down.

"I know, but it's all too overwhelming," she sobbed. While my mom continued sobbing my phone started buzzing.

 _Finn_.

"Mom, I think Finn is waiting for me. I should be on my way," I started to say, trying to get out of my mom's hug. Then I heard the front door open.

"Rey, are you ready?" my best friend asked me.

"Yeah, Finn, I'm almost done. Mom?" My mom let go of me, wiping her tears away, but at the sight of Finn she ran up to him and embraced him as well, crying again.

"You two are going up _so_ , _so_ fast!" she said into his shoulder. Finn gave me startled look and I had to manage to suppress a laugh. 

"Moooom, Finn and I should get going. We don't want to be late for school," I said pulling her away from Finn.

"Have fun!" we heard her wail as we walked out of the door.

"What was that all about?" Finn asked me, raising a brow.

"She's a little too emotional because it's our first day of our last year in high school," I answered, smiling as we walked up to his car.

His car was white with five seats. Finn had been thinking about selling his car for a smaller one because he always said he wouldn't need a big one for just the two of us. I thought it was an idiotic idea because I knew that when we go to college together we would meet new people who were like us and he would need the seats for them.

Finn looked at me as he pulled up into the high school's parking lot and smiled taking my hand."Our first step towards freedom."

I greeted his smile with my own. "Just a few more steps to go."

"You know, Rey, I have a feeling this year will be different," Finn said leaning against the locker next to mine.

"And what makes you say that?" I laughed, putting books in my locker.

"I just have a feeling," he shrugged.

Before I could make a smart comment the smell of cold smoke caught my nose and I turned around to see the worst group of people in high school who called themselves "The First Order". Snoke, who was also the leader of the group, was a bald, blue eyed guy, whose face was harshly scarred. He looked much older than the rest of the group, but that could also be because it was rumored that he did any kind of drug he could get his hands on. Hux was a red-haired kid, who did everything Snoke told him to, he never cared what he even asked of him. Some even say he beat the shit out of a kid for Snoke, just because he talked back at him. On Snoke's right side was Kylo Ren, a dark haired boy with mysterious eyes. There had once been a rumor that he killed his father and moved to Jakku to kind of start a new life, but I wasn't sure if I believed that. What I was sure of was that I never wanted anything to do with any of the "First Order" members. Wherever they went, trouble always followed.

I was brought back to reality when I noticed Kylo Ren staring back at me, his eyes locking with mine. Something about his eyes made me feel dizzy, like I was spinning around in circles for too long, but I didn't seem to have the strength to look away. Gladly, Finn was there to tear my gaze away from Kylo.

"Rey, are you ok? Your cheeks are flushed," he asked me, putting his hand on my forehead. "Huh?" I stared at him in confusion and then realizing what I had been doing before, added, "I'm just fine, just excited that this is our senior year."

"Ok," Finn exhaled smiling, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as we walked to our first class.

After school Finn and I met at my locker again.

"Sometimes I really hate Professor Yoda," Finn sighed.

"He's not a bad teacher, you know?" I grinned.

"Of course _you'll_ say that! You're his favorite student!" Finn complained laughing.

"You know that's not true," I mumbled, opening my locker to take out some books. Finn always complained about our history teacher, Professor Yoda, but it wasn't his fault that Finn was bad at history...

"Hey Rey and Finn!" a voice called our names. As we turned around we saw that the voice came from one of our school jocks, Poe Dameron.

"What's up, Poe?" Finn asked nervously.

 _What's up with him_? I wondered.

"Chewie is throwing a Senior party at his house this Friday and you guys are invited," he smiled cockily, handing us two yellow invitations. "The time and address are on the invite. Hope to see you there," Poe added, eyeing Finn.

Before I could come up with a reason to cancel, Finn blurted out "Sure, we'd love to come!"

I glared at Finn and in return he smiled apologetically. "That's awesome! See you there!" Poe said, leaving.

When Poe was out of earshot, I punched Finn's arm. "What was _that_ about? Why would we want to go to some lame senior party?"

"Well, first of all, we _are_ seniors and second of all, this is our last year in high school, we should make it count. And come on, a little party never killed any body," he smiled sheepishly.

I sighed. "Fine. But you better pick me up at six thirty. There is no way I'm going there without you."

"Deal," he said, handing me my bag.

The rest of the week was the usual back-to-school-madness. Students complaining about homework and assignments because "school just started" and teachers reassuring us that it will only get worse. The only difference was that everyone was excited for Chewie's party.

Everyone except me, but I didn't want to let Finn go alone because he would never leave me alone. 

Never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to this wild ride I like to call "The Last of the Real Ones" (thank you Pete Wentz for acknowledging that the song "The Last of the Real Ones" is the Reylo anthem)!  
> After watching "The Last Jedi" in December 2017, I came up with the idea of this story and got really inspired after listening to Fall Out Boy's song "The Last of the Real Ones" and soon started writing this story.  
> I must say though, I have already completed the fic yet it took me a while to have the guts to post it on AO3.  
> Anyways, I hope y'all enjoy the story and go through the many emotions I have gone through when I wrote this.


	2. Young and Menace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I remembered the way she looked at me the other day. Her eyes locking with mine. She looked at me as if she had seen me for the first time in her life, but she didn't look at me like most girls did. 
> 
> She did not see me as someone dark and dangerous. 
> 
> There was more in her eyes than in anyone else's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Woke up on the wrong side of reality  
> And there's a madness that's just coursing right through me"
> 
>  _Young and Menace_ by Fall Out Boy
> 
> Trigger Warning: Drug use/abuse and drinking

Rey

"Mom, I'm leaving!" I called as I walked out the door to go to the party.

"Ok, have fun honey! And don't be late!" I heard my mom say before I closed the front door.

 _Don't worry mom, I'll probably be back in an hour anyway_.

Finn was on time. As I got into his car he told me that I looked good. I ditched my three buns for only one, letting the rest of my hair fall to my shoulders. I wore black jeans with a navy blue sweater. "Thanks, Finn, you don't look bad yourself."

He had in fact cleaned up pretty well for this party. Instead of his normal washed-out jeans and graphic tee, he wore black jeans, a beige v-neck shirt and a brown leather jacket.

 _Who is he dressing up for_? I wondered, but decided not to ask. He should be able to dress up without being questioned about it.

"Rey?"

"Huh?"

"I know you really don't want to go to this party, but thank you for not backing out," Finn sincerely smiled at me.

"You're my best friend, Finn. I wouldn't have let you gone alone even if you hadn't asked me to come," I told him, putting my hand on his shoulder.

It was crazy how much I loved Finn. I would've done _anything_ for him, just like he would for me. We have been best friends since kindergarten and we never fought with each other. Finn and I would've made a great couple, if we loved each other in a romantic way, but that wasn't what we felt for one another. I loved him as a brother and I was sure as hell, he loved me as a sister.

"It would be better if you parked a few blocks away," I advised him.

"Why?" Finn looked confused.

"Well, if this party is like those in the movies then your car will probably get trashed by someone pissing or throwing up on it or someone will try breaking into it."

"You're right," he said as he searched for an empty spot a few blocks away from Chewie's house.

Getting out of Finn's car we could hear the music coming from the party. I was fighting the urge to tell Finn that we should go home and watch a movie, but by the looks of it he wanted to go to the party. Why else would he have cleaned up like this?

"You know you can tell me when you want to go home? Even when I'm having the time of my life," I told Finn sarcastically walking up to Chewie's house. "I will," he winked and held the door open for me.

The stench of alcohol, tobacco and sweat burned in my nose. A ton of teens our age were drinking, dancing and making out when we entered the living room. I looked over at Finn to see if he was as disgusted as I was, but he seemed to be distracted looking for something... or someone.

"Heeey, Finn and Rey! Sweet that you guys showed up!" a voice called from the crowd. A tall boy with long brown-blond hair, a beard and slight chest hair, wearing jeans, a white shirt and his football jacket came our way with arms wide open, ready to embrace us.

"We didn't want to miss _this_ , Chewie!" Finn shouted, trying to speak louder than the music. Chewie smelled of hard liquor and when he let go of us he had to hold on to a chair so he wouldn't stumble.

 _And the party just started_..

"Lemme get you some drinks, you guys don't have drinks yet," he slurred.

"That's not necessa.." I started to say, but Chewie already ordered one of his teammates to get us some drinks. Finn, Chewie and I stood there in an awkward silence until Finn finally spoke "Chewie, do you know where Poe is?"

I looked at Finn in confusion. Why did he want to know where Poe was? Was he just trying to build up a conversation with our quarterback?

"Oh yeah! He's in the basement playing billiard with some other guys," he answered. Finn looked at me apologetically and added to Chewie "Cool. Ehm, where is the basement?"

"Come on, just follow me," he stumbled.

Before Finn left he whispered to me "I'll be right back, ok?" He looked so sorry. I couldn't be mad at him.

"Yeah, ok," I smiled, patting his shoulder.

"Thank you, Rey. I owe you one," he kissed my forehead and left me alone in the crowd.

I felt so uncomfortable being alone here with all of these people, but I couldn't tell Finn I wanted to leave just yet. It seemed like he needed to talk to Poe about something, so I would just have to be patient. 

Kylo

I hated parties, especially these kinds of parties. No one here gave a shit about anything. Tonight everyone was everybody's friend and on Monday they would go back to being strangers. I would have rather stayed at Snoke's with Hux having our own little "party", but Snoke wanted to be here tonight, for whatever reason.

"Would you stop scowling already? Just appreciate that you don't have to buy your own drinks tonight and can get wasted off of someone else's," Snoke said handing me a red cup filled with red liquid that smelled strongly of vodka and some kind of punch.

 _Well, he is right about getting drunk tonight_ I thought, taking a big gulp out of my drink. The familiar burning feeling ran down my throat. A feeling I knew all too well.

Some girl was eyeing me from across the kitchen. She had short blond hair and blue eyes and seemed to be _way_ too interested in me. Snoke noticed the girl showing interest in me as well and waved her over.

 _Great, just what I needed.. a drunk blonde,_ I thought annoyed.

"Hi, I'm Phasma," she introduced herself.

"Great," I muttered before gulping down my drink and getting another one. There was no way I would make out with her sober.

A few drinks later I was drunk enough to show some interest in her, pretending to listen to whatever she was saying as she came closer to me, leaning into my body. I put one hand on her hip, pulling her closer to me, while I held my drink in the other. She started to whisper in my ear, telling me that she would do anything I pleased.

I chuckled, but before I could answer, my attention wandered to Snoke talking to some kid wearing a football jersey. 

"Who are the drinks for?" he asked the confused boy. 

"Chewie asked me to get these drinks for Finn and Rey," the kid stuttered, clearly afraid of what Snoke might do.

At that answer Snoke and Hux locked eyes and grinned deviously. 

_What are they up to_? I wondered.

Shortly after the boy filled two cups Hux knocked one of them down, blaming Chewie's teammate. "Shit, watch what you're doing!" 

"I-I'm s-so s-s-sorry, Hux. I didn't mean to!" he apologized trembling, placing the remaining cup on the counter, while grabbing a paper towel to clean the mess that had been made. While the kid was cleaning the floor, Snoke grabbed a small box out of his jacket, opening it and dropping a small white pill in the drink. 

_What the hell?_

When he stored the box back in his jacket he turned his attention to the kid, cleaning up the spilled drink. 

"Forget about it. Just bring this drink to the girl and I'll bring a drink to Finn. _Don't_ keep her waiting," Snoke ordered.

Once the boy left with the red cup I asked Snoke, "What did you do?"

"Nothing. We're just giving little Rey the time of her life," he smiled.

I had a bad feeling about this. It wasn't the first time Snoke and Hux pulled this kind of shit. And usually I didn't care about it, but this time was different.

I remembered the way she looked at me the other day. Her eyes locking with mine. She looked at me as if she had seen me for the first time in her life, but she didn't look at me like most girls did. She did not see me as someone dark and dangerous. There was more in her eyes than in anyone else's. And for whatever reason it made me for once think that what Snoke was doing was wrong.

"Snoke, what the fuck did you put in her drink?!" I asked, pushing the girl I was with away from me. The grin on Snoke's face said it all. 

I started making my way to find the kid who had Rey's drink, but I was stopped by the blonde grabbing my arm. "What are you doing?!" she asked me, stumbling.

"None of your damn business," I snapped, pulling my arm out of her grip. 

"I thought we were going to have great time!" she started protesting. 

"Well you thought wrong." I turned back around searching the crowd, but without success. 

_Shit, where is he_? my mind raced. 

After I was able to get passed the crowd I was in the living room. My eyes searched the room for someone in a football jersey, but instead I found someone better. 

I found Rey. 

Rey

When Chewie's friend came to give me my drink Finn still hadn't appeared. 

_Where is he_? I asked myself, taking a sip from my cup. The mixture was strong and it burned running down my throat, but something about it made me want more of it, so I gulped it all down. 

_That wasn't all too bad_. 

Somehow I really wanted to get another drink, but I couldn't seem to find my way to the kitchen. The room started spinning and everyone began to deform and reform again while dancing. I decided to sit down, thinking I needed to stop moving. Maybe everything would calm down if I just sat still.

But it didn't. The room was still spinning and the music started getting louder and louder. At one moment I thought everyone had melted away and only their bones remained, still dancing. 

My heart started racing and I was panicking. Why was everything so messed up? I really wanted to scream, but before I could I felt someone grab my shoulders. I turned to look at the person grabbing me, hoping it would be Finn, but instead I saw the devil. 

"Let go of me!" I cried, tears melting my face. _What_ _is_ _he doing to me?_

"Calm down, Rey," he spoke. I had expected his voice to hiss and his touch to burn me, but instead his voice was deep, yet angelic and his touch soft. I looked up to see his face again, but it kept on spinning. 

_Get your grip together, Rey,_ my mind told me. I concentrated hard to keep his face in focus and when I finally could, I saw who the angelic devil was.   
It was Kylo Ren.

Kylo

"Calm down, Rey," I said soothingly, as she started to hyperventilate. I couldn't let her freak out when she was this high, she didn't deserve to be tortured like this.

When she calmed down a little she looked up into my face. By the look in her dilated pupils I could tell that it took her some time to realize who I was, but when she did, she gave me the same look that drove me here to her in the first place. The look she gave me when our eyes locked in the hallway at school. Something about that look made my skin crawl. It made me feel _different_.

Rey opened her mouth, trying to speak, but her words couldn't escape her. 

_Shit, her mouth is dry. I need to get her something to drink,_ I thought as I searched the room for something for her. I sighted a group of people playing beer-pong at the dining table and made my way to them. Standing at the table I grabbed a cup filled with beer and downed my cup, then immediately turned around to get some tap water out of the bathroom. 

I interrupted two kids, who I thought looked pretty familiar, making out in the bathroom when I filled Rey's cup with water. 

"Dude, can't you knock?" one of them asked, clearly pissed at me. He looked like someone who was on our football team, but that didn't matter to me right now. What mattered to me was that I had to get Rey hydrated.

Rey was still sitting on the sofa when I got to her. I kneeled down in front of her as I gave her her water and she gulped it down straight away, water trickling down the side of her mouth. When she was done she looked at me again. She looked like a deer stuck in headlights. 

_She has no idea what's going on,_ I thought, feeling sorry for her. 

_She didn't ask for this crap._

"Kylo?" she whispered loud enough for me to hear her over the music. Her eyes searched the room, her breathing becoming faster again.

"What is it?" I asked her in a whisper as well, trying to keep her calm. 

"I need to get out of here. Everything is moving too fast. Everyone is melting and the colors are blinding me." I looked at her and the way her eyes wandered through the whole room, not fixating on one point. 

"Come on, I'll take you outside," I said standing up, but she didn't move. "What's wrong?" I asked her. 

"I don't know how to stand up," she breathed heavily, staring helplessly at her legs. 

_God dammit, Snoke_. 

I put one arm under her legs and the other on her back to pick her up and carry her outside. Once we were outside, I let her down on the steps leading to Chewie's house, still holding on to her, so she wouldn't stumble and fall. I could sense how her breathing steadied when she looked around, but her face was still troubled and tears started to form in her eyes. 

"Why won't it stop?" Rey pleaded. 

"Don't worry, it will," I answered.

"But when?" she sounded as if she was about to cry. 

"Soon.." I mumbled. I didn't know how long she would stay this high. I didn't even know if she had ever been high before, but now wasn't the time to ask. 

I needed to distract her or else she would start freaking out again and who knows would happen if she did. All I knew was that I didn't want to get involved with the police.

"Follow me," I told her. She looked at me with confusion, but that didn't stop her from coming with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who decided to skip to the end of the chapter because of the trigger warning:  
> Snoke decided to drug Rey without her knowledge and Kylo comes to her aid to help her as best as he can and leaves the party with her. 
> 
> Huh, Kylo seems to care. Interesting.


	3. Dirty Little Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His kiss had been bittersweet. It felt as if heaven and hell had come together to create this sin and how I loved that sin. 
> 
> I was a _sinner_ and I _loved_ it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll keep you my dirty little secret  
> Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret  
> My dirty little secret  
> Who has to know?"
> 
> _Dirty Little Secret_ by The All-American Rejects
> 
> Trigger Warning:  
> Mention of drugging

Rey

I woke up in my bed with a nauseating feeling in my stomach as if someone punched me in the gut and I was about to double over. 

_What happened last night_? I thought covering my face with my blanket. Even though I couldn't see anything I still could sense that my head was spinning. That exact same spinning feeling reminded me of something, but of what? I tried hard to concentrate, trying to remember what had happened but my mind wouldn't let me. 

Finally giving up, I decided to go downstairs to get something into my stomach. 

_Maybe eating something will make me feel better_. 

Standing up I realized that I was still wearing the same clothes as I had yesterday and that made me wonder: _How did I even_ _get home_? 

I remembered getting into a car and opening my front door, but nothing more. I didn't remember who brought me home. I couldn't remember _anything_. But then I relaxed. Finn would've been the one to bring me home. We went together, we must've also left together.

And then it hit me. Finn probably knew what had happened last night.

I picked my phone up from my nightstand to text him, but it was dead. 

_Well, I guess it can wait I thought_ , plugging it in.

When I put on a new set of clothes I headed downstairs where my mom greeted me with a a cup of coffee. 

"Were you able to sleep it off?" she asked me, handing me the mug. 

I took the cup and answered "Yeah, I guess so."

Making my way to the fridge, she asked "Who was the boy who brought you home last night?" 

"You know Finn, mom," I said, grabbing a takeout box out of our fridge. I opened the box to reveal a half eaten cheeseburger and some fries. Another memory hit me. I remembered sitting at a diner with someone, ordering _exactly_ what was in this box. 

_Did I bring this back home? And why don't I remember who was there with me? Wouldn't I remember Finn if he was at the diner with me_?

"Oh no, that definitely was not Finn, Rey," my mom chuckled. 

I looked completely stunned at my mom. _If it wasn't Finn, then who was it?_

"What did he look like?" I tried to stay calm. Whoever brought me home, might've done this to me, or maybe even something else.. But I didn't want to show my fear. I couldn't let my mom worry about me right now.

"He was tall and had dark hair and dark eyes and his clothes were black," my mom mentioned. Slowly, a figure started forming in my mind, but it wasn't clear enough. Then my mom gave me the finishing touch to complete the stranger in my mind: "There was something so _mysterious_ about him."

_Kylo_. 

It came back to me. 

After I had finished my drink I felt strange. Everything around me had changed and I felt scared. I remembered wanting to scream and move, but I couldn't. My body just _couldn't_. 

And then I remembered him. The way he took me out of that place and the way he helped me walk when I was stumbling as we walked away from the party. I remembered that we were at a diner and that he ordered my food for me. Afterwards, I entered his car and he brought me home.

_But why?_

I thanked my mom for the coffee, giving her a kiss on her cheek. I needed to talk to Finn. Maybe, just _maybe_ , he knew more about all of this. 

When I was halfway up the stairs mom called after me "Well, who was our mysterious stranger?" 

"Nobody," I mumbled and proceeded going into my room.

Shutting the door, I grabbed my phone to call my best friend. My screen revealed that I had missed several calls from Finn and he had sent me dozens of text messages asking me about my whereabouts.

_Shit_. I thought dialing his number.

Finn answered my call after one ring. " _Rey_?!" I could hear the fear in his voice.

"Hi, Finn."

" _Oh my god, Rey, I'm so glad you're ok. I was so_.." 

"Can you pick me up?" I interrupted him. I needed to be with him right now. I needed someone who knew me. 

I needed someone to help me remember more.

" _I'll be there_ ," he answered hanging up.

15 minutes later Finn waited in our driveway. 

"Where are we going?" Finn asked as I entered the car. He was smiling but something was hidden in his smile.

_Concern_.

"Surprise me," I smiled weakly. I was still so tired, ill and confused. 

I rested my head against the window, watching people walk by as we drove down the street in silence. My mind couldn't wrap around the fact that Kylo Ren brought me home last night. Why would he?

_Did he do this to me_? I worried, feeling sick to my stomach. 

_And if he did, why? What did he get out of it?_

Finn drove into the parking lot of our favorite Italian restaurant. As he stopped the engine he looked over to me saying "I need you to talk to me. What is going on?" 

"Finn, what happened to me last night?"

He inhaled and then answered in a worried tone "I thought you would be able to tell me that."

"I can hardly remember anything from last night.." I looked away. 

"Well, what _can_ you remember?" he asked sympathetically, taking my hand. 

Memories flashed behind my eyes. The only memories I had of the party. Finn leaving to look for Poe. Me drinking. The world spinning. And Kylo... Kylo sitting across from me at a diner. Kylo bringing me _home_. 

"Rey?" Finn furrowed his brows frowning. 

"Finn, why didn't you bring me home?"

Finn let go of my hand and stared out of his windshield at the parking lot. It felt like forever until he finally answered. "I was with Poe for a long time and I lost track of time. When I noticed how long I've been away I started looking for you, but when I came back into the living room you weren't there. I was afraid something might've happened to you, so I asked Chewie if he knew where you were."

"What did he tell you?" I asked. 

"He told me that you were pretty wasted and.." he paused, as if he was trying to grasp what he was about to say. "And that Kylo carried you outside."

I sighed. "Finn.." I put my hand on his, "Something happened to me last night, but I don't know what." I started telling him about the things I remember. I told him about how the world had changed after I had my drink and that I couldn't move. Then I told him about Kylo, how he had taken care of me in some way. 

"I think he was the one who brought me home."

Finn looked taken aback, as if he expected something else from Kylo Ren. But I couldn't blame him, I had had the same reaction. 

" _Why_?" my best friend asked me. 

"I don't know, Finn," I admitted.

"Did he.. _hurt_ you?" The concern in his eyes was as clear as water. 

_Did he_? 

"No, I don't think so." I wanted to throw up. I still had the damn feeling in my head.

"Rey?" he turned to me, now holding on to my shoulders. Finn looked at me with big eyes, his breathing uneasy. "I think you were drugged."

"What?!" I said in shock. Something inside me knew that something went wrong, but I didn't want to believe it. 

I felt used. 

I was broken. 

Hot tears started running down my cheeks. I wanted to turn back time. I wanted to be ok, but I wasn't. It was too late for that now. 

Finn took me into his arms, stroking the back of my head as I continued crying. We sat there for a while, until I was all cried out. Then he spoke "Do you think Ren had anything to do with all this?" 

I sat there, not sure what to think, my mind racing with reasons why he could have something to do with it, but something gave me the feeling he was innocent. 

"No, I don't," I answered in a whisper. 

"Why not?" 

"I just have this feeling."

Finn

I dropped Rey off at home and drove back to my place. My gut churned as I saw her enter her house. I felt like whatever happened to Rey was my fault. If I had never left her alone, she might not have been drugged, she would've never been hurt. But if I had stayed with her, then I would've never made out with Poe. 

Ever since the end of summer vacation I started feeling different than usual. At first I thought I was becoming more mature and it was just my mind telling me that I was finally growing up, but when I saw Poe one afternoon at the gas station I felt what was different. When our eyes locked for a short moment I noticed that I _desired_ him. I _wanted_ him.

And that feeling grew more each day. When he had asked Rey and me if we wanted to come to Chewie's party I knew it was my chance to find out if he wanted me too. I knew it was selfish of me to accept the invite, but there was no way I was going to back out. I just really needed to know, and now I do.

When I had found him in the basement last night he had had the same look he gave me when I saw him at the gas station. I couldn't describe what had been hidden in his eyes, but it drew me to him, wanting to kiss him and run my fingers through his beautiful, curly, dark hair. When he had finished playing pool he came over to me, handing me a drink from the cooler. He had told me he was glad to see me and for some reason I had believed him. While we were talking about school, sports and music I watched how his eyes wandered from my eyes to my lips and back to my eyes again, sending shivers through my body. At some point, I had noticed that he had come closer to me. His breath was warm against my skin. Poe had smelled of aftershave and beer, and damn was it a beautiful scent. 

I remembered the way he had rested his hand on my shoulder as he told me to follow him. I had known that something was about to happen, but I didn't care. When we were upstairs, he had checked if anyone was watching us and when no one did, he gestured me to enter the bathroom with him. After I had closed the door behind me, he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, pressing his lips against mine. 

His kiss had been bittersweet. It felt as if heaven and hell had come together to create this sin and how I loved that sin. I was a _sinner_ and I _loved_ it. Never in my life had I ever done anything "outrageous". Anything that would let the people in Jakku talk about for months. 

But Poe broke our kiss when a dark, mysterious figure had stumbled into the bathroom. 

"Dude, can't you knock?", Poe had asked the intruder. Only then when I had taken a better look at him, had I noticed that this "intruder" was Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren, member of the First Order, Snoke and Hux's best friend. 

Kylo Ren, who had brought Rey home. 

He hadn't seemed to give two shits about us though and he had left the room right after he filled a cup with water, leaving me with Poe again. I remembered having been afraid that Poe would realize what he had been doing with me and back off, but instead he had locked the door and proceeded kissing me. 

Moments had passed until he started taking off my leather jacket and pulling up my shirt. He had started kissing my neck and my collar bone, his fingers tracing my back, his touch having put me in a trance. A trance I had woken up from when I had noticed what it was leading to. 

I didn't want my first time to be a drunken one-night-stand, I wanted it to be special and with someone who loved me as much as I loved them and to be honest, I wasn't sure that Poe loved me. I mean, he didn't even know me and I didn't know him either. And as much as I wanted something to happen between Poe and me, I wasn't sure if I wanted _this_ to happen. Not yet at least.

"Poe?" I had whispered huskily. 

"Mh?" he had replied, his lips still pressed against my neck, forcing desire to spread through my veins like a wildfire. 

"I need to leave," I had lied, pushing him away. 

"Wh-What? Why?" he had asked me confused. I had picked up my clothes from the floor and pulled my shirt back on. Before unlocking the door and slipping out, I had given Poe a soft kiss against his lips and told him that I needed to bring Rey home. 

But I hadn't known that Rey wasn't there anymore. I hadn't known what had happened to her. And I hadn't known that Ren took her home. 

I had looked for her everywhere and asked everyone who might've seen her, but they were all too wasted to remember anything. 

I had panicked. 

How could one evening have been the best and the worst night all at once?

_Should I call her? Tell her_? I asked myself, holding my phone in my hand as I was sitting on my bed. It would have been the right thing to tell her, but I didn't want her to have more to think about. She needed to rest and clear her mind.

And anyway, this could be my little secret for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who skipped to the end of the chapter due to the trigger warning:  
> Rey can't remember what happened at the party and when she finally does, she realizes that Kylo Ren brought her home. She calls Finn and they talk about the evening and that she cannot remember how she ended up feeling sick at the party until Finn tells her that he believes she had been drugged.  
> When he asks her if he thinks that Kylo had anything to do with it, Rey tells him she doesn't think so because "she has a feeling."
> 
> And who would've thought, I'm a FinnPoe shipper


	4. High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had been terrified and lost, and I knew exactly how she felt. 
> 
> It hadn't been Snoke and Hux's first time slipping something into someone's drink without the person noticing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I’m high, staring at the ceiling  
> Sending my love, what a wonderful feeling  
> What comes next, I see a light"
> 
>  _High_ by Sir Sly
> 
> Trigger Warning: mention of drugging

Kylo

I was on my way to Snoke's with a six pack in my hand and a pack of cigarettes in my jacket. It was going to be a casual Sunday, a Sunday like every week. We were going to sit in Snoke's room, drink beer and smoke cigarettes, or maybe even something else. It depended on Snoke and if he was in the mood or not.

Even though I was kind of looking forward to spending my Sunday getting wasted or high, I was pissed. But I didn't quite know why and I didn't think I had a reason to be. 

Ignoring my mood, I walked through Snoke's front door. Snoke lived in a one-room apartment by himself. It was small, messy and smelled of dope, beer and tobacco. Although his apartment was a mess, his furniture was high class. He had a black leather sofa and two matching barcaloungers facing a huge TV and a coffee table made out of glass. 

As I entered the apartment I already saw Snoke and Hux, each of them sitting on the leather seats, smoking cigarettes and laughing. 

"Kylo! You finally arrived!" Snoke applauded as I sat down on the sofa, placing the beer on the coffee table. 

_Well somebody had to get some booze_ _,_ I thought annoyed, pulling the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket. But before I could light a cigarette, Snoke handed me one of his _special_ ones. A smile spread across my face as I put the joint between my lips and grabbed the lighter that was on the table next to the ashtray. 

"So what's so funny?" I mumbled, lighting up the spliff. As soon as it was lit, I inhaled the drug causing my body to relax. I felt like having a laugh now, too. The feeling of being angry and pissed slowly faded away, but parts of it remained as if it clung to my chest and didn't want to let go. 

_What am I so mad about?_

Hux started laughing uncontrollably. I almost thought he was going to choke, but at some point he managed to get some air. His face was still slightly red when he finally answered, "We were just imagining how fucked up that girl must've been after Snoke slipped some ecstasy into her drink." Both of them started laughing again, but even though I was starting to get high, I didn't feel like laughing at all. Instead, I started feeling angry again. 

_Those fucking assholes_ _,_ I thought furiously, thinking about "that girl," Rey. She had been terrified and lost, and I knew exactly how she felt. It hadn't been Snoke and Hux's first time slipping something into someone's drink without the person noticing. 

Waving away the memory of the first time they pulled that shit, I took another drag. 

"Why aren't you laughing, Ren?" Snoke asked me seriously, his grip tightening on his chair.

"I didn't think it was _that_ hilarious," I admitted staring at him. I felt as if someone started tugging on my insides. _Why do I fear him so much? Isn't he my friend?_

I let my mind wander for a moment. _Is this what friendship is like? Constantly obeying someone and doing things to please them? Fearing them?_

Snoke's voice pulled me out of my thoughts before I could question our friendship any further. "Why not?" he laughed and then added, "Do you have compassion for her?"

I scoffed "No, never." 

_Compassion? For her? Why should I?_

She was nothing to me. 

"Good. Now relax and pass me a beer," Snoke commanded.

 _She is nothing to me_ I reassured myself with a strange feeling in my stomach, handing Snoke a beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short but I hope it still does the trick. 
> 
> To those of you who skipped until the end:  
> Kylo, Snoke and Hux get high and Snoke and Hux laugh about having drugged Rey which Kylo does not find funny at all. Also, Kylo mentions that Hux and Snoke have slipped something into someone's drink before.  
> I wonder who that someone was...


	5. The Rumor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Did you see that?" I mumbled as I opened my locker, throwing my books inside.
> 
> "Yeah, they should've taken your picture. That would've lasted longer."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I am that feeling, that you've done something wrong.  
> I am that friend, who knew all along."
> 
> _The Rumour_ by You Me at Six
> 
> Trigger Warning: brief mentioning of being drugged

Rey

"Are you feeling better?" he asked me worried. 

"I'm fine, Finn," I sighed, buckling up.

I did feel better, well kind of. The nausea had disappeared after spending my whole Sunday in bed, but the feeling that crawled in my skin hadn't. The feeling of being broken was still there. 

"Are you _sure_? Cause if you're still sick we can drive somewhere else and ditch school," he asked, biting his lip in concern. Finn's eyes were full of sorrow and guilt. 

"Finn, I'm _fine_. Now stop looking at me like that," I told him, playfully pushing his face away so he would stop looking at me.

"Like what?"

"Like it's your fault," I admitted frowning. 

I never blamed him for what had happened to me. And why should I? He hadn't done this to me. He hadn't left me just so it could happen. 

He knew as much about it as I had.

"I'm just.. sorry, Rey," he frowned, looking down.

I reached over to the driver's seat, kissing his cheek. "I know you are."

I could feel the anxiety radiating off of Finn's body as he parked his car in front of our school. He seemed so nervous about something, but what? Was he keeping something from me? 

"Finn?"

"Huh? What?" He seemed to be far away from here. 

"Are _you_ ok?" I asked, furrowing my brows. If something was bothering him, I needed to know. 

"It's just..." he started to say, "It's just I'm so nervous about my history class with Professor Yoda today." 

Finn was lying to me. His body language gave him away. Whenever he spoke about our history teacher his body wouldn't tense as it was doing at the moment and he wouldn't be biting his lip. 

But if he didn't want to tell me what was going on, I just had to respect that. He would eventually talk to me about it.

As we walked to our lockers I had the feeling that everyone was looking at me. 

_Did I do something stupid when I was drugged_? I really hoped I hadn't.

I still wished I could remember what I had done during my "trip". My life already kind of sucked at the moment, I didn't need it to get worse.

Trying to ignore the stares of my fellow school mates, I tried to hurry to my locker with Finn picking up his pace. 

"Did you see that?" I mumbled as I opened my locker, throwing my books inside.

"Yeah, they should've taken your picture. That would've lasted longer," Finn joked, unlocking his locker. 

A small note fell out of his locker when he swung the door open. Finn immediately picked it up and unfolded it, his eyes wandering over the note as he read it. 

When he finished reading the letter, he crumpled the paper and jammed it into his pocket.

My curiosity told me to ask him who it was from, but judging by the way he acted before, I decided not to. 

"Shall we?" he asked me, holding out his arm for me to grab it.

Finn

My anxiety pumped through my body as I waited for the bell to ring.

_Just five more minutes til lunchtime.._

Poe had asked me to meet him in the boy's locker room during lunch. He had wanted to _see me._

After how I had left him at the party, I thought he wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore, but the note proved me wrong.

_What if he is tricking you into coming to make fun of you for being such a_ _coward_ _?_

My heart dropped. _What if he is just trying to hurt me? Is he worth getting my heart broken?_

Poe's smile came into my mind. His heartbreaking smile. 

_Yes, he is._

As soon as the bell rang I hurried to get to the locker room.

Poe was nowhere to be seen. 

_It was just a trick_ I thought, heartbroken. I had really hoped he would be here. 

But just before I could leave the locker room I heard him say my name. "Finn?" My heart started to pound in my chest, as I turned to face him. 

I couldn't believe my eyes. Poe was standing in front of me with a towel wrapped around his waist. His dark curls were dripping water on his face and his body was still partly wet from his shower. I had a hard time swallowing. He was so sexy. 

As if he could read my mind, he smirked and walked towards me. "Thanks for coming," he said before kissing me. I was so glad that everything was fine between us. Me leaving him hadn't changed anything.

"What happened on Friday?" Poe asked me when he pulled away from the kiss.

I didn't know how to explain it to him. _What if he won't understand_? 

"W-well, y-y-you s-see.." I began to stutter. My heart felt like a stalling motor. But when he put his hand on my cheek, I felt my fear disappear in an instant. I felt like I could trust him.

Poe listened carefully as I explained to him that I hadn't been ready to go _that_ far with him on Friday, especially because we had been drinking. I told him that I wanted my first time to be special, with someone who I cared about and with someone who cared about me as well.

When I was done explaining he stared into my eyes and smiled before kissing me again. I had expected him to make fun of me, but I would have never imagined him to kiss me.

"Don't worry, Finn, I can wait," he smirked, wrapping his arms around my neck.

Rey

I waited for Finn at our favorite table in the cafeteria. We always had lunch together after classes, but after about fifteen minutes of waiting I had the feeling he forgot me. 

_Finn wouldn't forget me, would he_? I thought, taking out my phone to text him. I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I waited for my best friend to meet me, but after checking my phone for probably the 100th time, I decided to accept the fact that he might've had something better to do. 

As I tried to eat my lunch, I felt the glances and whispers of every student clawing their way into my mind, making me sick. 

_What do they know?_

I couldn't stand everyone looking at me like that. Like I did something wrong. But what could I have done to catch their attention? 

My eyes wandered around the cafeteria, searching for someone who might be able to tell me why everyone seemed to notice me for once in their life, why everyone was interested in a nobody like me. The one person I could ask wasn't hard to find. He was sitting with his team mates at the "jock" table. 

_Chewie should know what's going on. He always knows about stuff like this_ , I thought as I made my way to him. 

"Hey Chewie," I tapped his shoulder to get his attention. The hairy quarterback and his friends had been laughing about something Matt, their towel boy, had done. 

When he turned to face me his infectious smile had turned into a frown. "Oh, hi Rey.."

"Chewie, I need to ask you something about your party..", I told him, fear rising inside of me. _What had I done?_

He swallowed hard and as his eyes pulled from mine. "Sure, Rey. Anything."

"Did I do anything stupid?" I asked. I could feel my insides churn again just like they had during the weekend. My anxiety quickly turned into nausea, making me want to shut my eyes and take long deep breaths to relax. 

"No, _you_ didn't do anything stupid when you were at the party. Why are you asking?" he looked at me again.

Half of me felt relieved because I hadn't done anything I would've regretted, but that still did not answer the question why everyone was staring at me.

"Well, I just have the feeling everyone is _watching_ me, like I did something completely stupid. But I guess I'm just being paranoid," I sighed relieved as I was about to scratch the back of my head from overreacting, but Chewie stopped me before I could. 

"Well, actually, you're not being paranoid."

"What?" I couldn't understand. If I didn't do anything, then why was I being looked at like an animal in a cage? " _Why_ is everyone staring at me, Chewie?" Fear pierced through my body again. Chewie had the same look on his face as Finn. Concern, guilt and sorrow did not suit him at all. His bright sapphire eyes weren't meant for sorrow and his mouth wasn't meant for frowning. For god's sake, he was our _happy_ quarterback. Nothing ever took away his cheerfulness, so what happened to make him feel this way?

"Everyone knows you were drugged by the First Order, Rey," he said in almost a whisper. 

My heart dropped. _The First Order drugged me? But..._

I thought about the tall, dark figure taking care of me and bringing me home. 

_How can it be true? It can't be true_.. I tried telling myself.

I couldn't understand how someone like Kylo would drug me and then make sure I got home safely. _Why_?

"How do you know it was them?" I whispered, trying to push my tears back and clenching my fists at my side to stop myself from shaking.

"Emily overheard Phasma talking to one of her friends about the party and about how Kylo and her were about to hit it off when he noticed Snoke slip something into your drink and then Kylo.." Chewie started to answer, but I drowned out his voice.

The world around me stopped. I was falling down a deep, dark void and nobody was there to catch me before I crashed. 

My tears began to blind me as I made my way outside. I needed to get out of there. I needed to escape from the walls that were closing in on me.

I needed to breathe.

My lungs filled with fresh air as I stepped outside and I finally let go of my tears, letting them burn my cheeks.

I felt lost. 

My best friend forgot me, I found the truth out who did this to me and I was slowly falling apart.

_Finn, where are you? I need you_.., I thought while my body started shaking ferociously.

Rage and fear fueled my tears as they kept on running down my cheeks. Chewie's voice rang in my mind "... _you were_ _drugged by the First Order, Rey_."

_The First Order._

I felt a bitter flame burn inside me. _They_ had done this to me. And for what? Just for kicks?

_The fucking First Order_ , I gritted my teeth in anger, but relaxed as I sensed someone approaching me, making my heart stop for just a second.

_Finn_?! I thought hopefully, turning around. 

But it wasn't Finn who was standing behind me. 

_Kylo Ren_. 

"Rey?" Kylo asked me as he stared at me with his dark, mysterious eyes. Something was different about him. He wasn't the Kylo everyone feared and avoided. His voice was softer when he spoke my name and his eyes had something hidden behind them as he looked at me. 

For a moment, I didn't feel alone and I didn't feel like breaking apart. I almost felt at ease until I remembered _who_ he was and _what_ he had done.

He was a member of the First Order. 

"Are you ok?" Kylo asked me in the same soft tone, taking another step towards me. 

"Get away from me!" I snapped at him, stepping a few feet away from him. For a split second he looked taken aback, but he managed to shake away his feelings as he straightened his posture and returned to his cold demeanor again.

" _What_ do you want from me?! Didn't you and your friends already have enough _fun_ at Chewie's party on Friday?!" Kylo stood silently in front of me, clenching his fists as I mentioned the party. 

A part of me told me to stop accusing him of drugging me, but I couldn't. He still belonged to the First Order. He belonged to those who only thought about how to make people's lives suck even more. 

He was one of _them_.

"You are a _monster_ , Kylo Ren, just like your friends," I spat breathing heavily. His eyes glared into mine as he came closer to me, but this time I didn't move. I felt paralyzed by the way he approached me. 

His tall figure loomed closer to mine until he was so close to me that he had to duck his head to look into my eyes. 

"Yes, I am," he nearly whispered in his deep dangerous voice while his warm breath caressed my cheek. Kylo stared at me with his brown eyes flaring with rage and something else. Something hidden. An emotion I had never noticed before.

Yet before I could identify what was hidden behind all that anger, he turned around, leaving me standing alone in the schoolyard again, still feeling his breath on my cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's safe to say that I sometimes quote the movies.
> 
> For those of you who skipped until the end due to the trigger warning:  
> Rey finds out who drugged her and feels alone and broken. She then runs into Kylo and blames him out of rage because he is a part of the First Order.


	6. The Pros and Cons of Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hated the way he acted around me, the way he looked at me and his voice when he spoke to me. 
> 
> I hated _everything_ about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I hate the way you say my name  
> Like it's something secret  
> My pen is the barrel of the gun  
> Remind me which side you should be on"
> 
> _The Pros and Cons of Breathing_ by Fall Out Boy

Rey

Finn approached his car with a huge grin painted across his face.

"Hi Rey," he greeted me while unlocking his car and getting into the driver's seat. I could tell he was unable to contain himself anymore. My heart leaped at seeing him like this. My best friend deserved to be happy, he deserved to really smile.

Which is why I felt sorry for interrupting his joyful moment.

"Finn?"

"Yeah?" he replied with his grin was almost blinding me. 

"Did you forget something?" I asked, feeling myself shut the blinds on his grin. 

At first, Finn looked confused and I noticed how his mind was working as he thought about all the possible things he could've forgotten in school. When we looked at me with a shocked expression spread across his face, I knew he had realized what I meant.

"Shit, Rey. I'm so so sorry! I didn't mean to forget. I was just.. I.." he started apologizing, but I interrupted him, smiling "Don't worry, Finn. It's ok."  
Finn sighed and relaxed for a moment, staring with guilt-stricken expression at his hands.

_Ask him_ , my mind told me.

"Hey Finn?" I asked, curiosity hinting my voice. "What's going on?"

My best friend bit his lip and I watched as he reached into his pocket, fumbling with something inside.

"I know I should've told you before, but I didn't know _how,"_ he began.

Finn then started to tell me about his relationship with Poe and how everything had started on Friday at the party. He told me about them making out in the bathroom and how he had left things between him and Poe. Finn explained to me that he had been afraid of somehow losing him because of the decision he had made and how nervous he had been this morning, fearing that Poe would never understand. 

Then he told me about the note, taking it out of his pocket and showing it to me. A grin started forming at the corner of his mouth when he got to the point of them meeting in the locker room. Finn told me how glad he was that Poe had understood and respected his decision of not letting it go too far yet. 

When he had finished explaining everything, he looked nervously at me, as if he were afraid of what I was about to say. I could've sworn I could hear his heart hammer inside his chest before I reached over to Finn, embracing him tightly. 

"I'm so happy for you, Finn," I said, squeezing him a bit more so he would know that I really meant it. 

Finn's body relaxed in my arms and he let out a huge sigh as he let go of me. 

"Thank you, Rey. Hearing you say that really means so much to me," he said with moist eyes while turning on the engine.

Kylo

I tossed my bag on the floor as I entered my room. 

After school, I had headed straight to my apartment instead of hanging out with Snoke and Hux. At first, the two of them thought I was being a "pussy" for not tagging along with them today, mocking me and pushing me around, but when I had promised Snoke I would bring him a fresh stash of weed tomorrow, they finally shut up and left me alone. I wasn't proud of it, but it was something I had to do so he would let me go. 

I just wasn't able to deal with anyone right now. I needed to be alone. I needed to think. I was so fucking sad and angry.

And that was all because of _her_.

_What the fuck was that for_? I thought, sitting at the edge of my bed, grasping my mattress to try to stop the rage flowing through my veins. 

_You are a monster, Kylo Ren_. I heard her voice in my head, fueling my anger. 

_Why was_ I _a monster? I_ _didn't drug_ _her. I even fucking tried to help her. And what for? Just to be accused of doing_ _shit I_ _didn't do_? My body trembled as I tried so hard to keep myself under control. I wanted her to disappear from my thoughts. I wanted her to leave me alone. I wanted to _hate_ her. 

But that was easier said than done.

I remembered her eyes staring into mine. Her hazel eyes, wet with tears, when she had called me a monster, filling me with a riot of emotions as if she had transferred her own feelings into my body just by locking her fair eyes with my cold ones. She had been furious, sad, disappointed and _hurt_. And I could _feel_ it. But why? 

_You are a monster, Kylo Ren._

I sighed, letting my body flop against my mattress and resting my hands on my face. I couldn't get that look she gave me and her voice out of my head. They seemed to haunt me, eating me up from the inside. 

I knew I had done some stupid shit in the past and I knew people had called me far worse than a "monster", but this was different. Rey calling me a "monster" filled my chest with a stinging sensation, burning a hole straight through me.

But why?

_-You are a monster._

_Am I?_

Rey

I tossed my bag on the floor as I entered my room. As much as I wanted to spend more time listening to Finn crush on Poe, I just couldn't. 

Not now, at least. I was too _frustrated_ and angry at myself to concentrate on Finn's love life.

And that was all _his_ fault. 

I had believed Kylo wasn't just like his friends. I actually _believed_ he could _care_ about someone other than himself, that he wasn't just trouble, but I had been disappointed. 

Kylo Ren was a monster and I hated him for that. I hated the way he acted around me, the way he looked at me and his voice when he spoke to me. 

I hated _everything_ about him.

_He's a monster_ , I thought to myself.

_-Yes, I am._

His voice echoed in my mind causing me to shiver. I felt like I could still sense him in front of me. I could almost imagine Kylo standing mere inches away from me, letting his dark brown eyes lock with mine and feeling the heat of his body radiating off of him and tingling my skin as his breath left blush red marks on my cheeks.

That monster had somehow clawed himself into my mind and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of him.

"Get out of my head," I whispered between gritted teeth, my finger nails trenching my mattress as I tried to force Kylo out of my thoughts. He wasn't supposed to be there. He didn't _belong_ there.

_Monster_.

Yet somehow the thought of him being a monster tasted bitter, and no matter how many times I told myself that he was a monster, the bitterness wouldn't go away. 

It was as if my conscious was telling me that Kylo Ren was something else. That he wasn't a monster even though I strongly believed so.

_Why wouldn't he be? Has he done anything good in all these years since he appeared in Jakku?_

_No, that's exactly it, he hasn't._

_Well, he_ did _help me when I was drugged..._

_Ok, what about all the bad things he had done?_

I knew he had done some stupid shit in the name of the First Order, but somehow, nothing came to my mind. 

_Isn't this supposed to be easy?!_ I thought confused.

Why couldn't I make up my mind? I thought I knew who he was from the day I first noticed him. He was no good, he was trouble, and he was dangerous to be around. He was a member of the First Order, he was a _monster_. 

And usually, those would've been enough reasons for me to hate someone with all my heart. I mean, it worked on Snoke and Hux.

But why not Kylo? Why was it so hard for me to realize who he was?

I sighed in frustration as I sunk down on my bed, hugging a pillow to my chest. 

_You are supposed to be a monster._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter everybody! I hope you enjoy the holidays (even if you are stuck inside)!  
> I also hope you enjoy the back-to-back updates! :)


	7. Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had nowhere to go, I was tired, cold and lost. I wanted to keep on going, but I felt like every step I took was dragging me down.
> 
> Everything just felt so _heavy_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm holding on  
> Why is everything so heavy?  
> Holding on  
> To so much more than I can carry"
> 
>  _Heavy_ by Linkin Park feat. Kiiara

Rey

I sat up in my bed, bathed in my own sweat and breathing heavily. Every night, for three weeks now, I had been having an occurring nightmare.

Every night, I would hear a girl's voice scream for her parents. Every night, she would cry her heart out. And every night, she would wait for her parents to return to get her. 

It was strange, that that dream was a nightmare to me. There was nothing in that dream that I had been afraid of. In fact, I actually admired the little girl for having so much hope, that she didn't give up on her parents, even if it was clear that they would never come back for her.

But it felt so familiar, which was frightening me, even troubling me.

And the fact that it was troubling me showed. 

A few days after my nightmare had started, I had started eating less and after a week, I had hardly slept, knowing that as soon as I would doze off, I would start seeing images of a small brunette girl, crying at the side of a familiar road, tears escaping her big hazel eyes as she called for her mom and dad. 

And seeing her suffer like that tortured me. 

She had been abandoned at such a young age, not knowing what was going on.

I felt a pang in my chest and tears dripping down my chin. 

_Relax Rey. Breathe_. I thought, trying to prevent myself from breaking down. 

Taking a deep breath, I felt myself slightly relax and I decided to try and go to rest again, but sleep wouldn't come to me. 

It was as if I repelled it.

Ages seemed to pass as I stared at my ceiling, trying to welcome exhaustion, but I soon started to lose patience. Staring at my alarm clock, I acknowledged that I had three more hours until I would have to get up to go to school. Yet, I knew that I would never get back to sleep in those three hours, so I got up and started getting ready for school.

"Rey, honey, you look terrible," my mom said concerned. 

She hadn't been lying, though. I _did_ look like shit. 

My usually bright eyes were framed with dark circles which contrasted well with my sickly pale skin. My clothes hung loosely on my body, when my figure used to fill them perfectly and my brown hair hung lifelessly on my head. 

"Maybe you should go to the doctor."

"No, mom, I'm fine," I tried to smile so she would let the issue go. My mom shouldn't worry about me. My misery was going to be over soon, I just knew it.

I grabbed my coffee cup and headed outside to Finn, giving my mom a kiss on her forehead before I left.

"Are you still having those nightmares?" Finn asked me, staring into my tired face. 

"Yes, Finn," I admitted. There was no reason to lie to Finn, he would've found out anyway. He sometimes knew more about me than I did. 

"I told you two weeks ago, if it doesn't get better you should tell your mom," he spoke, sounding angry. Finn was hardly ever angry at me, only when he knew I wasn't going to listen to him. 

"I don't want her to worry about me, and anyways, I have the feeling the nightmares will stop soon," I sighed, staring at my cup. I really wished it were bigger.

"Don't you think she is already worrying about you? Don't you think that she has already noticed that something is _different_ about you?" he asked me, raising his brows as he looked me up and down, frowning. 

He had been right. She had already noticed that something was bothering me.

"Just please talk to her. You might feel better afterwards," my best friend told me, planting a soft kiss against my cheek.

Thursday was my least favorite day of the week, and this Thursday was far more unbearble than others. 

My day started with two P.E. lessons, and what made it worse besides my lack of sleep was that Kylo Ren was also attending that class.

Ever since our small dispute in the courtyard a few weeks back, I had done everything to get out of his way. Which was almost effective except for when I had to see him in my first two classes every Thursday, but even then, I would avoid eye contact with Ren. 

"Ok, class, today we will start our lesson with a harmless game of dodgeball!" my P.E. teacher, Mr. Johnson, said rather enthusiastically. "Rey, Poe, pick your teams."

We took turns calling out names for our teams. Usually, I didn't care who was in a team with me, but with Kylo it was different. Having him in my team would make it hard for me to avoid him.

But because luck always seemed to be on my side, I had to choose him because Poe had picked the exchange student Jar-Jar. 

I took a deep breath before speaking out his name. I hadn't said his name in so long, I wondered if it felt different when it rolled off my tongue. 

But it hadn't. It still felt familiarly warm with a hint of acid tracing his name as it left my lips.

Holding my breath, I watched as he made his way to stand in line next to me. 

It had never occurred to me how mesmerizing he was when he moved. Even the tiniest movement, such as him running his hand through his hair, seemed to send me in a deep trance.

"Ey, Rey!" Poe's voice called me, pulling me back down to Earth. "You ready?"

"Yeah," I answered shakily. 

_What are you doing, Rey? You have worked so hard on avoiding him, don't let that all be for nothing!_

I heard Mr. Johnson's whistle blow in the distance as a sudden dizziness took over me, shutting out the lights as my body made its way to hit the gym floor, hearing someone call my name right before I completely lost consciousness.

My eyelids fluttered open as I started hearing muffled voices coming from outside of the greenish door, yet one voice was very familiar to me.

 _Mom_.

I was lying on a small cot in the nurse's office, still feeling dizzy. When the door opened, nurse Holdo and my mom had entered. 

I was wrong when I thought _I_ looked like crap. 

It wasn't that my mom looked really bad or sick, it was that she was worrying and _that_ made her look older and weaker. Her usually happy smile had turned into a fearful frown, her warm green eyes were cold with shock, and the lively blonde hair on her head seemed to have lost their will to live.

I gave my mom a weak smile as she walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me and giving me a huge heartfelt hug. I felt her pulling herself together. She didn't want to start crying here, not in the nurse's office. She would probably wait until we were in the car. 

"Rey?" I heard the purple haired nurse say, "your mother is going to take you back home. You passed out due to over exhaustion and lack of vitamins." My mother inhaled sharply, and I knew what she was thinking. 

She blamed it on herself. 

And that made me feel guilty. 

It wasn't her fault at all that I wasn't sleeping or eating. It was my fault for not telling her in the first place because if I had, she would've somehow been able to find a solution and I wouldn't be here in the nurse's office.

And I wouldn't have made of fool of myself in front of Kylo. 

The thought of him seeing me fall to the floor made me cringe. I was so _embarrassed_ of myself. He was probably making fun of me with his friends right now, laughing about how weak I was.

Miss Holdo and mom helped me get up from the cot and we started walking towards the door. 

Before we left, the nurse told me, "Rey, if it doesn't get better, you can always talk to me, ok?" She smiled sweetly when she spoke those words. 

I appreciated her offer, but I didn't need to talk to her about it. 

I _did_ need to talk to my mom.

It had started raining cats and dogs when we drove home in utter silence. I wanted so badly to speak to mom, but words wouldn't escape my mouth at all. 

I was so glad when my mom broke the silence as soon as we parked in our driveway. 

"Honey, we need to talk about what's going on," her voice was firm. 

"I know," I muttered. 

We both got out of the car and ran inside, trying not to get wet. 

"Now, what is going on, baby?" my mom began to speak as I pulled a chair to the kitchen counter. "Is it because of a boy?"

"No, mom," I croaked, glad that it hadn't been because of him, the only boy who had been able to make me feel uncomfortable in so many ways without actually being near me.

"Is it because you miss dad? Because it's ok, I miss him too.."

"No, it's not because of dad," I interrupted her.

"Mommy, I have been having these strange nightmares for the past three weeks," I finally admitted to her. 

"What are they about?"

"Well, actually, it's always the same one," I sighed. "I see this little girl with brown hair and big eyes at the side of a road crying and screaming for her parents, hoping that they will return to come and get her, but I know that they're not coming back. She seems to be so _lost_ , mom. And what makes it worse, is that I feel like I _know_ her," I explained, looking at my mom.

Her expression had changed from worry to guilt. Something was wrong.

"Mom? Is everything ok?" I asked, my heart beating inside my chest.

"I'm sorry, Rey," she said, looking down at her hands. 

"What's going? What are you sorry for?" I felt myself panic. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

"That girl you are dreaming of... is you."

"Wh-what? I don't understand!" Fear and confusion swelled up inside me. _How can that be?_

"It was about 15 years ago when Jeffrey and I found you. It was as we were driving down the road leading to Jakku. You stood a few miles before the 'Welcome to Jakku' sign, your face was hidden in your hands and your shirt was soaked with tears. 

"Without a single word, Jeffrey pulled over and got out of the car to talk to you. When we got to you, you looked up at us with big eyes. You were so _lost_ and frightened. We started asking you why you were standing at the side of the road and you told us that 'they' had brought you here and left. When I asked who 'they' were, you told me that your mom and dad had left you there and drove off. I felt a pain shoot through my heart. You were three years old! Who would abandon their baby girl?! 

"I wanted to know more about your parents, but when I asked who they were you told me you couldn't remember. 'What kind of parents did she have?' I thought angrily to myself. Jeffrey asked you what your name was and you replied with 'Rey!' And when I asked 'Just Rey?' you looked up at me, tears spilling out of your eyes. 'It was the only name they had ever given me.'

"You were our _miracle_. You were our ray of hope. I hadn't been able to have kids of my own and Jeffrey and I had almost given up on having a children until we found you. We needed you and you needed us. So we gave you a new home and a new life. We adopted you and took care of you as if you were our own flesh and blood. And Jeffrey and I _adored_ you.

"With time, you started to forget your birth parents. Jeffrey thought it would've been a good idea to tell you the truth when you turned twelve, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't see you hurt. So I kept that secret to myself... until now."

I felt the solid floor give away. I was falling into the void again.

"All these years... _all these years_ you _lied_ to me about who I _am_?!" I yelled unable to control myself. 

"I didn't want to hurt you!" my mom tried to explain, but I cut her off. "What do you think hurts more, hm? Hearing that you are adopted or finding it out on your own, _suffering_ for _weeks_ as your memory starts to come back to you?!" 

Before she could answer my question, I had already stormed out of the house.

I didn't know where I was going to go. I didn't know if I wanted to keep on going.

I didn't know _anything_.

The cold rain cut through my clothes as I walked down the street, causing me to shiver uncontrollably. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I felt betrayed. 

It was getting dark and I was completely soaked. My pants and shirt were plastered to my body and I couldn't even tell if tears had escaped my cheeks or if it had just been raindrops running down my face.

I had nowhere to go, I was tired, cold and lost. I wanted to keep on going, but I felt like every step I took was dragging me down.

Everything just felt so _heavy_.

I stopped walking when I noticed a black pick-up stop beside me. 

_Where do I know this car from_? I wondered eyeing the vehicle through the rain.

My heart leaped as I spotted the driver when he rolled down the window on the passenger seat. 

"Do you need a ride?"


	8. Northern Downpour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't care where you take me. Just don't bring me back home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You clicked your heels and wished for me"
> 
>  _Northern Downpour_ by Panic! at the Disco
> 
> Trigger Warning: Gun violence

Kylo

"Do you need a ride?" I asked, pondering what she had been doing in the rain. 

_Shouldn't she be at home_ _resting? I mean, after what happened today that would make sense._

Rey had looked really _terrible_ today. I had to admit that she had been looking pretty stressed these past few weeks, but _today_ had been a lot worse. 

I had tried getting out of her way ever since she called me monster, thinking that she would stop being a constant thought in my head, but instead of forgetting her, I found myself thinking more and more about her, noticing the tiniest of details when I _did_ see her. 

And that meant noticing that something had been bothering her for a few weeks now.

She stared at me like she had at the party, like she couldn't believe that it was _me_ who was with her. 

_Me_ , the _monster_.

Rey hesitated before she answered my question, her eyes staring at her shoes. 

"No," she muttered in a regretting tone.

"Are you sure?" I raised my brow. _She has to be kidding me. It's raining like a motherfucker, she is completely soaked, but she'd rather stay out here than accept my help?_

"Yes, _Kylo_ , I _am_ ," she growled aggressively, but I could sense that deep inside her, she wasn't sure at all.

And I sure as hell wasn't going to leave her freezing in the rain. 

I pulled on the handbrake and got out of my car, taking off my black leather jacket. 

"Wh-what are you doing?" Rey stammered, taking a step back as her eyes frantically stared at my face. _Is she afraid of_ _me?_

"I can't force you to come with me, but I'm not going to let you walk around in the rain without anything to cover you," I told her, holding out my jacket, waiting for her to take it. 

Rey's hand slowly reached toward the piece of clothing I was offering her. I felt her hand shiver as it brushed against mine when she grabbed the jacket, her touch stinging me to the bone.

I watched her slide on my leather jacket when I felt a sudden warm feeling originating from my chest.

Even though it was too big on her, she looked _good_ in it, making me slightly uncomfortable with this feeling that was spreading in my body. 

Shaking away whatever settled itself inside of me, I made my way back to the driver's seat. 

"Kylo?" I heard her say. 

"Yeah?"

"Can you take me with you?" she asked, nervously.

I felt myself smirk at her question before I answered, "Hop in."

Rey sat uncomfortably in the passenger seat, fumbling with the sleeves of the jacket when I started the engine of my car and drove along the road. 

There was no use in hiding the fact that she was frightened I might do something to her. But that wasn't who I was. I wasn't Snoke.

"Where do you want me to take you?" I asked her, breaking the silence. I _had_ asked her if she needed a ride, and here she was. All she needed to do was to tell me _where_ she was headed.

I waited for her answer, taking a sideways glance at her. She was staring out the window, watching the drops hit the glass, seeming to be deep in thought. 

"Where do you want to go?" I asked, raising my voice a bit, so she could hear me this time.

"I don't know," Rey mumbled, not taking her eyes off of the window. Something in her voice told me that she really didn't know where she was headed to.

"What about home? Or your friend's?" I questioned, trying to mask my nervousness.

_What am I so nervous about? She's just some girl._

_A girl I couldn't stop thinking about._

I never really cared about anyone at all. All I ever did was follow Snoke's orders, doing some shit he wanted me to do just so he wouldn't have to get his hands dirty. I didn't really care what he asked of me, or who I had to hurt or what I had to steal. I just didn't _care_.

But this was different. _She_ was different.

"No," she whispered, a hint of sadness painted her voice, filling my veins with something bitter.

"I don't care where you take me. Just don't bring me back home."

Rey

Kylo parked in front of a grayish looking building with a lot of windows. Part of me feared this place, thinking that he might be taking me to Snoke, but I followed him nevertheless. Somehow, I had trust in him. 

Somehow, I believed he wouldn't do me any harm.

We walked a few flights of stairs in silence until he stopped in front of a door, grabbing a key out of his pants pockets, and unlocking the door ahead of us. 

Kylo shut the door behind me and walked into the room on the left at the end of the small hallway. The room had white walls and a neatly made bed with black covers facing the door. Next to the bed were two big windows, letting moonlight flood the room. Underneath the windows was a black desk, covered in pens and pencils. And on the other side of the room was a dark dresser. 

_This must be his apartment_ , I thought somewhat in awe. 

I had imagined Kylo's apartment a lot more _different_. I thought he lived in a _dump_ or a drug den, but I would've never believed anyone if they told me that he had a neat, little apartment. All by himself.

 _Why doesn't he share an apartment with Hux or Snoke_? _I thought they always were together,_ I let myself wonder.

He walked over to the dresser, opening a drawer, then turning around to face me again. 

"Here, the bathroom is across the hall," he told me, handing me a folded pair of sweats and a pullover. 

I stared at him in confusion, "What?" 

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay in your clothes," he stated. "With them being soaking wet and all."

For a moment, I thought I had seen him blush, but I must've been imagining things. 

Kylo Ren did not blush.

Kylo Ren wasn't embarrassed.

He didn't _feel_ _anything_. 

He had been right, though. I _did_ need to change.

I entered the room in the black sweatpants and the dark oversized sweater he had given me to see him sitting on the edge of his bed, his hand running through his black, damp hair. 

He seemed so far away, so deep in thought. 

I silently walked to the bed and my heart made a sudden jump when his dark eyes looked up at me when I stood a few inches away from him. For some reason, he looked astonished or surprised or...

Kylo stood up, fists in his pockets, nodding towards the bed for me to sit down. 

His bed was strangely comfortable, or maybe I thought it was just because I was so exhausted. 

I pulled my legs towards me, resting my chin on my knees, and shutting my eyes. 

_Am I really here? Or is this just a strange dream?_

_And why do I feel so calm?_

"Rey?" he sat down on the bed and I opened my eyes, managing to take a look at him. 

In the moonlight he was a perfect picture of light and shadows. While the light illuminated his face the darkness took over his angles, casting dark shadows on his face.

He was hauntingly beautiful. 

"Where were you going?" he asked me the question I never thought he would, a question I couldn't quite answer myself.

I knew I shouldn't, but something inside of me told me I could trust him, that he would _understand_.

So I told him why I had run away from home.

I started with the nightmares that had been haunting me for weeks and that I couldn't eat or sleep anymore due to the fact that the dream had been torturing me every night, explaining that that was the reason why I had fainted in P.E. Then I told him about the conversation between my mom and me, unwanted tears burning my cheeks as I could no longer hold back my emotions.

He listened to me as I talked about how my birth parents had abandoned me, how they hadn't wanted me, that I was _nothing_ to them. 

"I've never felt so alone," I whispered.

The mystery in Kylo's eyes had vanished and was replaced with pain. He knew exactly how I felt. He knew exactly what it was like to be _alone_.

"You're not alone."

Kylo

I could still remember what it was like back at home, not being the perfect son my parents wanted, not fitting into the picture they created of me.

I remembered being so _alone_. 

When I had first met Snoke, I had thought I finally _belonged_ somewhere, that I would never feel that sort of pain ever again. 

But even _months_ after having joined the First Order, the pain did not seem to go away. 

I remembered my parents constantly fighting about me, my father telling my mom that there was no hope for me anymore. That his son was _gone_. 

He had given up on me, turned on me.

And that had made the pain just grow more and more.

Snoke had talked me into it, telling me that my father was the reason for my suffering, that if I got rid of him, I would get rid of my pain. 

And I had believed him. 

It had happened when my dad got home from work. It was a perfect timing. We had been alone and he had nowhere to go. 

"Ben, I know there is still good in you," my father had pleaded, walking towards me.

"Your son Ben is gone. He was weak, just like his father, so I _destroyed_ him," I had spat, raising the gun. 

"This isn't you, this is your "friend" Snoke talking," he had said to me, ignoring the gun pointed to his chest. And for a short moment, I had realized what I was willing to do for Snoke. I had realized that what I was doing was _crazy_.

"I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain," I had breathed heavily, my guts churning inside me. "I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it," I had whispered, tears stinging my eyes. "Will you help me?"

"Anything, son," my father had smiled relieved, placing his hand on my cheek, showing me the compassion he felt for his son. 

But then a sudden darkness had taken over me and I pulled the trigger, letting the bullet pierce through him, watching his body hit the floor. 

_He is the origin of your pain. Get rid of him, only then will you be free of this pain_ , I had heard Snoke's voice inside my head. 

Yet I still felt it. I still felt it eating me up, tearing me apart. 

But it had been too late. I had killed him. I committed a crime. 

I had to disappear. 

Snoke had been pleased to hear that I had taken my father's life. "Well done. Now all we have to do is get you away from here. And I know exactly where to go," he had smiled nastily.

He had taken me to the small town Jakku, where he had his First Order "base", as he called it. Here, I tried to start a new life with the First Order, believing that I wouldn't be in pain anymore, that I wouldn't be alone anymore because I had them now.

But I had been wrong.

"Neither are you," her voice spoke softly, surprising me. She _knew_ that I still felt alone.

She _saw_ it.

I was caught off guard before I could reply. I was caught off guard by how beautiful she made the moonlight shine on her. Rey was all light, and hardly any shadows. The only shadows on her face were the circles under her eyes from being sleep deprived and the dark shadows her damp brown hair casted around her fair face. 

My eyes searched her face as they tried to take in her beauty until they rested on her lips. 

I was envious of the moon for tracing the shape of them. It was pure torture watching the light tease me as it called for me to do the same. 

But as hard as I tried, I couldn't resist the pull to the light. 

I could feel her breath sting my skin as my face leaned closer to hers, my eyes wandering from her lips to her big hazel eyes then back again. 

The way she slowly closed her eyes as our faces were only a few inches apart was breathtaking. 

She had somehow managed to take my breath away, and I wanted to be able to do the same.

But before our lips could touch, my phone started ringing. 

I silently cursed myself when I drew away from her, hoping that the caller might even hang up before I got the chance to answer.

But I was wrong.

Snoke would keep on calling until your ringtone drove you insane.

"What?" I answered the call, walking over to my dresser.

" _Kylo, get over here_ ," he ordered.

Taking a glance over my shoulder, I sighted Rey, her big eyes looking away from me in embarrassment. 

"I can't," I said firmly. As much as I feared Snoke, I wasn't going to leave Rey alone. 

Not after she poured her heart out to me.

Not after she _trusted_ me.

For a while, Snoke was quiet, a sign that something bad was about to happen. Fear started running through my veins. One word, just _one word_ and he could ruin my whole life. 

But instead Snoke sighed, answering, " _This won't happen again, Ren. Tomorrow you will come over before school, I have a task for you."_

One never protested against Snoke, so I assured him that I'd be there before he hung up.

I turned around to face Rey. I wanted to be next to her, to touch her... to _kiss_ her.

But I couldn't. 

Rey wasn't like all the other girls in Jakku. 

Rey made me _feel_. 

And that scared me.

Avoiding her eyes, I walked out of my room and silently shut the door behind me, letting out a huge sigh. 

_How could I let this happen to me?_

_How could I let her do this to me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Breaks into song*: There may be something there that wasn't there before
> 
> To those of you who skipped to the end due to the trigger warning:
> 
> Kylo sees Rey walking by the side of the road and picks her up and offers to take her home or to Finn's but she doesn't feel like going home. He brings her to his place and she pours her heart out to him and he listens, remembering what it was like to feel alone when he still lived at home. Kylo then remembers that he shot his father because Snoke pressured him in doing so and that even though he "got rid of the source of his loneliness" he still felt alone.  
> Rey tells him that he isn't alone either, as he told her that she is not alone and they almost kiss, but Snoke interrupts the moment by calling Kylo.


	9. Insanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All my thoughts of her kept me awake, haunting me, agonizing me.
> 
> Relieving me.

Kylo

I spent the night on my couch, tossing and turning and feeling somewhat feverish. Even though I had had my fair share of miserable sleepless nights, last night was _the worst_.

It had been impossible to push Rey out of my mind and usually I could forget about girls I kind of had a thing with easily, but not Rey. 

Actually, I couldn't forget Rey at all.

She was so different from anyone I'd ever known and ever since that party at Chewie's I thought about her nonstop.

Rey wasn't just a pretty face, she was so much more. She showed me kindness even though she knew who I was, who I belonged to. 

And that was _pure torture._

I tortured myself thinking about her and I tortured myself trying to get her out of my head and the memory of us almost kissing did not help set me free of this misery.

I pondered what would've happened if I had just ignored my phone and kissed her. Would I have embarrassed myself for wanting to kiss her? Would she have pushed me away and left?

Would she have kissed me back? 

All my thoughts of her kept me awake, haunting me, agonizing me.

Relieving me.

It was strange that the thought of her tortured me and _pleased_ me at the same time, causing my heart to ache and flutter at once. How could that be? That shouldn't be possible. 

Was I going crazy? 

"Well, maybe whatever I have to do for Snoke will distract me from her," I muttered to myself as my alarm clock rang.

It was best that I hadn't woken Rey up. From what she had told me, she needed all the sleep she could get, even if it meant for her to ditch school for once. 

That, and I couldn't bring myself to see her lay on my bed, wrapped in blankets, wearing my sweater, breathing steadily. I knew that that would have been an image I wouldn't be able to get out of my mind.

And it was already hard enough to not think about her all the time.

I was fucking exhausted when I parked in front of Snoke's apartment, but I didn't let that get in my way. I needed to get to Snoke and after ditching him last night who knew what he would do to me if I cancelled on him again.

"Ah, there he is, our reliable friend, Kylo Ren," Snoke announced to no one in particular. I walked to our leader with my eyes wandering to the floor. 

I really hoped he wouldn't ask me about last night. I didn't want to tell Snoke that the reason why I hadn't shown up was because of Rey, not because I feared for the consequences I would face, but because of what he might do to hurt _her_.

But to my relief, Snoke just ordered me to make a special delivery before I headed to school.

"The name and the address are on that sheet of paper. And if he doesn't pay up, _force_ him to. Now go," Snoke told me as he handed me a piece of paper and two small bags containing a white powdery substance.

Before I left, I noticed Hux whisper something into Snoke's ear. Hux was a sneaky rat, a suck-up, hell, he was a fucking asshole. He would do _anything_ to pull you down, so he could be Snoke's favorite pet. 

I fucking hated him.

_I bet he's thrilled that Snoke is pissed at me._

"Ren!" I heard his obnoxious voice call me before I got into my car. "Are you _sure_ you can make this delivery for Snoke, or are you going to ditch us again and keep it all to yourself?"

I forced myself to take a deep breath before I turned to face him. I wasn't going to punch him right now. Not today. 

"Might I say, Ren, you look even worse than usual. Are you ill? Do you want me to take care of that for you?" Hux asked in a mocking tone, pointing at the cocaine in my jacket pocket.

"How does it feel?"

"Pardon? How does _what_ feel?" The red-head looked at me confused.

"How does it feel being so far up Snoke's ass? Enjoying it?" I spat, turning around, getting into my car.

The look on Hux's face when I drove off was unforgettable. _Now_ that _is something I don't want to forget_ , I thought, laughing.

The kid I had to deliver the coke to was waiting for me behind the gas station. My insides churned when I approached him and one thought struck my mind:

_What would Rey think of me when she found out what I was doing?_

I tried to shake away my feeling. I couldn't let my emotions get in the way of this. 

I _belonged_ to them, I was _supposed_ to be with them. The First Order was my home.

Then why did this feel so wrong, like I wasn't supposed to be doing this?

"Hey, do you have it?" the boy asked, shaking. That was when it occurred to me. The boy standing in front of me was probably only 15 or 16 and the clothes he wore had been patched up several times. He wasn't shaking because he was addicted, he was _afraid_. Afraid of what I might do to him. Afraid of what Snoke might've ordered me to do to hurt him.

But he had already been hurt. _Damaged_ by Snoke and his drug deals. 

Regret began to fuel my thoughts, bringing Rey's words back to the surface. 

_Neither are you._

"Bruh, you got it or not?" he asked me, bringing me back to Earth. 

"Yeah, here," I tossed him the two bags and stood in front of him, waiting for the boy to pay me. 

That was when he started shaking again. "I-I don't have all the money yet. C-can I p-pay the first h-half n-now? I s-sw-swear I'll have the r-rest by the e-end of th-the week!" 

He _needed_ the money. For food, shelter, for his family.

I knew that what I was about to do would bite me in the ass later, but I did it nonetheless. 

"Forget about it," I mumbled. 

The kid stared at me in disbelief, "What?"

"I said, forget about it," I answered rather aggressively, "Now scram."

The boy nodded his head at me as a "thank you" before he left. 

Now all I had to deal with was how to get Snoke his money.

Snoke and Hux waited for me in front of my locker when I reached them. 

"So? How'd it go?" Snoke asked me cooly. "Great," I lied, staring at Hux.

For once in his life, Hux had nothing to say. He finally shut the fuck up.

"Nice, now where's my money?"

I knew exactly what I had to do. Before I had gotten out of the car, I took the amount of money the kid owed Snoke out of my own wallet, so he wouldn't suspect a thing.

No one would know that I gave Snoke's drugs away.

Snoke snatched the money out of my hand counting the bills in his hands. 

My insides twisted in fear. _What if I_ _miscounted?_

But when Snoke smiled nastily I knew everything was alright. 

"Good job, Ren," he patted my back and started walking down the hallway. Hux shot me a jealous glare before both of us followed him. 

When I passed by Rey's locker I felt my heart leap inside of my chest and my body temperature rise again. 

She wasn't there, which meant that she was still in my apartment. 

In my bed.

I felt my cheeks flush. 

_How can she have such an impact on me?_

And then I remembered how perfect she looked, so untouchable, and how that drove me insane, making me believe that the only way to be sane again was to brush my lips against hers. 

She drove me fucking insane...

And I fucking _loved_ it. 

"What're you smiling about?" Hux asked and I realized that a grin had spread across my face.

" _Nothing_."


	10. Blush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't a cheerleader, rich, or popular, or even _pretty_.
> 
> I was a nobody.

Rey

Waking up, I remembered the strange dream I had last night: I ran away from home because my mom had been lying to me about me being her biological daughter. While I was running through the pouring rain, Kylo had stopped at the side of the road in his truck and taken me to his apartment where he gave me a new set of clothes because mine had been soaking wet. And then I had poured my heart out to him, telling him that I felt so alone, and strangely, he _cared_ , telling me that I wasn't alone. 

In my dream he had looked as if he had understood what I had been going through, as if he had been alone as well. That was when his shell merely cracked to reveal the pain that was hidden underneath all that darkness, showing _me_ that he wasn't who he really seemed to be.

When I had told him that he wasn't alone either, he looked _astonished_.

But that wasn't the most absurd thing that happened in that dream. 

The strange thing was that Kylo had leaned over to me to _kiss_ me and I didn't _stop_ him, almost as if I _wanted_ him to. 

But that had been just a dream. It had to be.

My eyes fluttered open, expecting to see my room.

But it wasn't _my_ room I saw.

The furniture in my room was white with a beige touch, with the help of my curtains, my carpet and my blanket, but this room had dark furniture and wasn't as messy as mine.

 _Where am I_? I asked myself, slightly panicking. 

Getting up I noticed that I was wearing a large dark sweater and black sweats and that was when I knew what was going on.

It hadn't been a dream _at all_. It was _real_. 

_All of it._

Which meant... 

_Kylo wanted to kiss me_? I blushed at the memory and my heart made a sudden jump. 

I felt a small smile appear on my face. 

_He wanted to kiss me. Me_? Now the smile turned into a goofy grin.

What was wrong with me? Wasn't I supposed to hate the idea of him being near me? Touching me?

Yet here I was, in _his_ room, wearing _his_ clothes, smiling because of _him_.

_Come on, Rey. Get a grip, you have to be imagining that he wanted to kiss you. Who would want to kiss you?_

Well, maybe my mind was playing games with me. I mean, I have never been kissed before, how was I supposed to know if Kylo Ren wanted to kiss _me_? 

Why would he? I wasn't a cheerleader, rich, or popular, or even _pretty_.

I was a nobody.

It would be best if I just didn't show any signs of what I thought almost happened between us.

I grabbed my phone, trying to distract myself from over analyzing last night's situation when I saw that I had missed several missed calls from my mom and Finn.

"Shit!" I cursed as I paced out the door to get home.

_FN2187_ , I read Finn's license plate when I saw his car parked in front of our driveway.

He was here, which meant that my mom called him as well, probably looking for me.

I was nervous. Nervous about facing my mom after what had happened yesterday. 

But I couldn't run away now. 

Stepping through the door I could hear my mom crying.

_"I don't know where she could be, Finn. What if she is gone? What if something happened to her?"_

I hurt my mom.

More than she hurt me by hiding the truth from me.

"Mom?" I said walking into the living room. Her tear stained face lit up at the sight of me standing in front of her. 

"Rey, my baby!" she ran to me and embraced me, tears spilling down her cheeks and I felt my own tears escape my eyes. "Where have you been? Where did you go?" my mom asked me frantically.

"I stayed at a friend's house," I lied. Well, did I lie? "I'm sorry for running away, mom. I was just so angry and confused, I just didn't know what to do."

"It's ok, baby. What's important is that you are ok and home again," she smiled sincerely, giving me a kiss on my forehead. "Now, do you want me to make you something to eat? Have you had lunch yet?"

_I haven't even had breakfast._

"Lunch would be great," I laughed. "I'm going to be upstairs in my room. Finn, can you come with me?"

Finn

Relief swept over me when I saw Rey enter the living room. She was back. She was ok.

She was _alive_.

But something was different about her. I knew she was lying about her whereabouts. There was no way Rey had a secret friend she would go to before coming to me.

I hugged her as tight as I could as soon as she closed her bedroom door, letting out a huge sigh. 

"Where the fuck were you?" I asked her when I let go of her, my eyes searching her face in worry. "And _what_ are you wearing? Those aren't your clothes. They are too dark and too _big_ to be your clothes," I started to babble.

"I told you, I stayed at a friend's.."

"Come on, Rey, you know I can tell when you're lying."

She sighed. It seemed like she was gathering her courage to tell me something. But what? What could she have to say that made her want to hide from me?

"I stayed at Kylo's," she admitted. 

I felt my jaw drop. 

She stayed in Kylo's apartment.

Kylo Ren.

The First Order's Kylo Ren.

Kylo.

Ren.

Ren comma Kylo.

Kylo Ren.

I couldn't believe what she was saying. Why would she stay at _his_ place? She didn't even _like_ him.

"Wait, then the clothes you are wearing are... _his_?" I asked in disbelief.

Rey nodded in response.

 _Oh my shit! She didn't... did she? Was she really_ that _angry at her mother_?

"But it's not what you think!" she added hastily.

"I'm not thinking anything. Me? Hell no! What should I even be thinking? I mean, it's totally _normal_ that you are wearing Ren's clothes and you stayed over at his _place_ ," I spluttered before Rey could stop me. 

"Finn, listen to me," she began.

Rey explained what had happened last night to me, but I already knew about her storming out from her mom. But I hadn't known that Kylo had picked her up at the side of the road, offering her to bring her back home, but she didn't want to go back, so she drove to his apartment where he gave her his clothes because her own were too wet and let her sleep in his bed while he slept in a different room.

"Why didn't you come to me?" I pointed out, somewhat hurt. Whenever I had some kind of problems I _always_ went to Rey.

"I don't know, Finn. I think it was because I was so confused and lost," she answered, her eyes wandering to the floor. 

Rey was still hiding something from me, I could tell.

"Rey? What's going on? What are you leaving out?" I placed my hand on her shoulder and smiled reassuringly at her. She needed to know that she could tell me _anything_.

She took a deep breath again before she told me more about last night. 

Rey admitted that she had talked to Ren about how she had felt so alone and that he understood, which I thought was pretty odd. I mean, _how_ and _why_ should Kylo Ren care? He didn't have a heart. He was cold and ignorant and a straight up jerk.

But what shocked me the most was when Rey told me that he had almost _kissed her_.

Kylo Ren. Kissing Rey. 

That would be absurd, right?

"So you are telling me that Kylo Ren, _the_ Kylo Ren, was about to _kiss_ you?"

"Well, I don't know if he wanted to actually _kiss_ me, Finn. He just leaned closer to me staring intensely into my eyes and at my lips."

"Rey, are you even hearing what you are saying? He _was_ going to _kiss_ you!" I exclaimed surprised. 

"Shut up, Finn! I don't need my mom to hear about this," Rey hushed, trying to suppress a smile.

"Sorry, my bad. This is just kind of exciting," I laughed. "So tell me, would you have kissed him back?" I voiced raising my brow.

But Rey didn't need to answer, her blushing gave her away.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here. Rey has a crush on bad boy Kylo Ren," I teased her. 

"Finn, don't be _stupid_. I don't have a _crush_ on _him_ ," Rey protested. "Your question just caught me off guard, that's all."

Before I could make a smart comment, we heard Rey's mom call us downstairs.

I wasn't really fond of Ren. I kind of hated him, even. 

But hearing Rey talk about him and seeing her eyes light up when she mentioned his name made me feel happy for her.

_Maybe he's not so bad after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hush, hush, hush. Blush, blush, blush. You are now my big fat crush.
> 
> Finn is honestly a big mood in this chapter.


	11. Air Catcher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know, I think I've really fallen for Finn. He is just something else and I really think he gets me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I was doing fine on my own and there wasn't much I lacked  
> But you've stolen my air catcher and I don't know if I want it back"
> 
>  _Air Catcher_ by twenty one pilots

Poe

_Come on Finn, pick up already_ , I thought as I heard the familiar sound of his mailbox again. 

I had tried to reach Finn the past hour now, but without success.

Finn had come over after school today because my folks weren't home. The reason why he came over when my parents weren't home was because he wasn't ready to meet them yet and he wasn't ready to meet them because he hadn't come out to his own parents.

But I didn't care as long as I could spend time with him.

We had planned on watching some movies in my room and it had actually been really perfect. At first we sat next to each other, his hand in mine with our fingers intertwined. His touch let sparks race through my veins, making me feel like the happiest person in the whole world. 

Thirty minutes into the movie, we had both been lying down on my bed and I had wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him tight, afraid that he might slip away if I let go and there was no way on Earth I would let that happen. 

I had felt his heart beat against my chest as I gave him a soft kiss, caressing his cheek with my hand.

I was so lucky to have Finn. He wasn't just good-looking, he also had a good heart and that was something that was very rare nowadays.

It was rare to be with someone this _perfect_.

Finn had grabbed my hand and placed it back around his waist as he turned around to face me, his dark eyes staring hungrily into mine, pulling me to him, to place my lips on his. 

We had totally forgotten about the movie as we wildly rolled around in my bed, fighting the battle of lips and tongues, running our hands along each other's bodies and breathing heavily, while we started pulling each other's shirts off and tossing them to the floor. He was so hot I could've sworn that his touch branded me, leaving his print on my skin, as if to show that I belonged to _him_.

_Only him._

It had all been so perfect..

Until his phone had rung and he decided to answer it.

"Hello?" he had answered huskily.

 _Goddammit, what did I do to deserve him_? I had prayed.

"Calm down, I'll be there," he had said before hanging up the phone and looking at me apologetically. 

"Your mom?" I had asked, wanting him to stay. 

"No, actually Rey's mom. Rey ran away from home yesterday and she still hasn't come home," he had explained. "I'm sorry I have to go."

He had kissed me before getting up, putting his shirt on again. "You can't always leave me like this," I had joked and in response he gave me a huge smile and told me he would call me later.

Now was later and he still hadn't called or sent a text.

"Am I being crazy, Beebee-Ate?" I asked my dog while I sat on the floor, resting my head against the wall. "I mean, shouldn't he have called by now?"

BB-8 walked over to me and put his head on my lap trying to comfort me. 

I stroked his white and orange fur as I continued to talk, "You know, I think I've really fallen for Finn. He is just something else and I really think he gets me."

My dog just stared at me as if he understood everything I had just told him. "You're such a good listener," I laughed, scratching BB-8 behind his ear.

That was when my phone rang, flashing Finn's number brightly on the screen.

And I didn't even hesitate to answer. 

"Hey, whaddup?" I tried sounding cool and not desperate at all.

" _Sorry Poe that I didn't answer your calls_ ," he answered.

"Ah, forget about it," I stated, adding "Did you find Rey?"

" _Yeah, she's back at home_."

"Where was she?" I asked interested. 

I wanted to be a part of Finn's life. I wanted to know more about him and that also meant getting to know more about his friend and the problems they would face together.

Finn sighed, " _It's a long story and I don't really want to get into it_."

"That's fine," I kind of stammered. 

_Oh my god, Poe, just keep your shit together and stop being so nosy._

" _I'm really sorry that I had to leave so early. Do you think I can make it up to you_?"

That made me smile. "You know, I think you _can_."

I heard him laugh on the other line.

 _How did I get so lucky_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe is soft for our boy Finn


	12. Into You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know what to say or do. I was lost again.
> 
> Lost in his eyes.
> 
> Lost in his voice.
> 
> Lost in his presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm so into you, I can barely breathe  
> And all I wanna do is to fall in deep"
> 
>  _Into You_ by Ariana Grande

Rey

"So, how was _your_ weekend? Still daydreaming about Ren?" Finn asked me, bringing his car to a halt in the school's parking lot. 

Finn had told me about how he had wanted to finally tell his parents about his relationship with Poe, so they wouldn't have to keep it a secret any longer, but he had been too afraid of their reaction because of how religious they were, fearing that they would stop loving him.

I felt so sorry for Finn. He was finally happy, but he couldn't share that happiness with his family because he was terrified of what they might think of him.

But no matter how they would judge him, I would always remain by his side.

Yet that didn't stop me from trying to get him to stop bugging me with the whole "Kylo + Rey = lovey-dovey" crap.

"Would you cut it out already? I'm not into Kylo," I grumbled for the billionth time, ignoring the fact that my heart beat faster when I said his name. 

Even though Finn had had a shitty weekend, it hadn't stopped him from sending me annoying text messages such as "how's Mrs. Ren today?", "I bet I know who you are thinking about right now *cough* Kylo *cough*", or " _Ren_ is _Rey_ with an "n". Coincidence?" 

I had really started to regret telling him about the night I spent at Kylo's place.

"Sure, you're not," he winked, "which is _totally_ why it bothers you when I tease you about it." Finn smiled sheepishly as he opened the door on the passenger's seat for me.

Finn had been waiting for Poe before we headed to our classes. Even though they hadn't made their relationship public yet, they pretended to be really close friends so they could hang out without anyone questioning them. 

"Where is he?" Finn murmured, staring at his watch then down the hall and then back at his watch again.

"I'm sure he'll be here any second now. He probably just had a quick errand to.." I began, but lost my trail of thought when I noticed Kylo and the rest of the First Order walk by my locker. 

My heart stopped and my legs had the sudden idea of giving away.

As I tried to maintain standing upright I watched him make his way down the hallway, not even giving anyone surrounding him a single glance. 

He was still beautiful, and for some reason his beauty was killing me.

_Notice me._

What was I thinking? Why would I want Kylo to notice me? I wasn't even supposed to care.

_Come on, Rey. Wave at him. Call him to you. Make him notice you._

But before I could do or say anything, he had already glanced my way, as if he could hear my thoughts. Kylo's usually cold, dark eyes were suddenly warm and soft when they rested on me and I could feel the electricity he somehow transferred to me running through my whole body. 

_How can just_ one _look make me feel this way?_

 _How can_ he _make me feel this way?_

My mind told me to go up to him. To touch him. To run my hands through his wavy, jet black hair, but thankfully, my body felt completely paralyzed. 

And Kylo kept on staring at me.

But it wasn't an uncomfortable kind of staring like when you catch a creep staring at you from across the room and he keeps on glaring at you nonetheless.

It was _familiar_ and _wonderful_.

And it made me feel like I was _so much more._

But what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to smile? Wave? Say something?

Yet I felt something hold me back from doing all those things. Instead I felt some sort of heat rise into my face causing me to blush uncontrollably.

 _Now_ this _was embarrassing._

It felt like forever until Kylo passed by, our eyes remaining locked the whole time as if we could somehow communicate with each other by just staring deeply into each other's eyes. When I was pulled back into reality I noticed how Finn had a huge grin on his face while Poe just stared at me, his jaw almost hitting the floor.

"What?" I asked hoping that the color in my cheeks had vanished.

 _And when did Poe get here_? I pondered.

"Oh, _nothing_ ," Finn answered, still grinning from ear to ear. "I just love it when I am right."

 _You can't hide it any longer_ , my mind mocked me.

"Would you stop being so cocky and just get to class?" I pointed out, pushing him to face the direction to our first class.

Half of me was relieved yet the other half was suffering when I hadn't seen Kylo in school the rest of the day.

It felt as if my mind and heart were at constant battle with each other ever since he had helped me. And I don't mean when he helped me get out of the rain, I mean when he tried his best to calm me down when I was high and brought me home safely, although Kylo taking me to his place, giving me dry clothes and being there for me hadn't helped bring peace between my heart and mind. 

It actually just made it worse.

My mind told me that he was a monster, that he couldn't be trusted. That he would just hurt me.

But my heart wanted me to be near him, even _if_ he was able to hurt me, to break me even. My heart just didn't seem to care about all those things _at all._

Finn had told me that I should go ahead and wait for him at the car because he was going to meet Poe in the locker room to say goodbye.

"Wow, the locker room, how romantic," I teased him.

"I know it's not as romantic as being at his apartment at night, in his clothes, almost kissing, but it'll do for now," Finn responded, furrowing his brow and grinning mischievously.

Finn had already vanished before I could make a comeback, so I made my way to the parking lot to wait for him.

There were hardly any cars parked outside anymore due to the fact that most kids left school as soon as they could once they heard the bell ring.

As I leaned against Finn's car, waiting for him to finish making out with his super popular and good-looking boyfriend I heard familiar voices on the other side of the car.

"... _and you_ better _show up."_

 _"I won't disappoint you this time_ ," a very dark, yet soothing voice responded to the threatening, almost venomous one.

" _Good. We'll see you then_."

I snuck around the car to see who the voices belonged to. 

Shock paralyzed me when I saw that I had been sort of eavesdropping on the First Order. Without a second thought I hid behind Finn's car, praying that they hadn't seen me. I didn't want to imagine what they would do to me if they caught me listening to their conversation.

A sour taste filled my mouth as I remembered what Snoke had done to me at Chewie's party. I wasn't going to let that happen again.

Never again.

After a few seconds there had only been silence, so I thought it was safe to get out of hiding to check if they were still there.

Hux and Snoke seemed to have left, but Kylo still stood there, his face buried in his hands, letting out a desperate sigh.

_Talk to him._

I felt a sudden push as my legs started walking toward him, as if my heart had taken over my whole body.

I tried forcing my mouth shut to stop myself from embarrassment, but I hadn't tried hard enough. 

"Hi, Kylo," I somehow managed to say even though it felt as if there had been a knot tying my throat shut. 

He shot his head up to look at me and I could see that he had been surprised to see me standing in front of him, talking to him. 

"Hey," Kylo croaked, his cheeks blazing a light shade of pink against his pale skin. 

I didn't know what to say or do. I was lost again.

Lost in his eyes.

Lost in his voice.

Lost in his presence.

 _What was I_ thinking, _coming over here and talking to him?_

 _Oh right, I hadn't_. 

My palms had started sweating and I could feel the knot tighten around my throat again like a noose.

_Come on, Rey, think of something to say. Anything!_

But I couldn't get any words out. 

I stared down to the ground, unable to look into his mesmerizing eyes. I was already embarrassing myself, why should I let it get worse?

After a few seconds when I still hadn't managed to say anything, I noticed Kylo turn around to walk away. But I couldn't let him go. I didn't _want_ him to go.

"I never thanked you," I blurted out, stopping him from leaving. 

Kylo's tall figure turned to face me again, answering, "Huh?"

"I never thanked you for taking care of me at Chewie's party," I stammered while my face started glowing again when he came closer to me, his strong figure towering over my fragile body.

Our lips could have collided with each other if he just came closer, or if I wrapped my arms around his neck and _pulled_ him closer to me, but he remained where he was and I stayed still, fighting the urge to bring his face to mine.

"Don't mention it," Kylo echoed and I could've sworn that he smirked before he left. 

I was suddenly aware of how hard my heart had been beating against my chest, as if it tried to escape my rib cage to get to him. 

Almost like it wanted to return to the place where it belonged to.

"So what was _that_ all about?" I heard Finn approach.

"Nothing worth mentioning," I casually responded.

"Pah! Yeah right! You should _see_ how red your face is," Finn crowed, flashing his white teeth at me.

"You should see the huge hickey on your neck," I joked in response, so I could change the subject.

" _What_?! I told Poe not to!" Finn panicked taking out his phone to use as a mirror to check on the non-existing hickey. "Well played, Rey, well played," he admitted realizing that I had been lying. "I won't ask you about Ren anymore, but that doesn't mean I change my mind about you _liking_ him."

"Thank you, Finn," I smiled and I could sense him almost saying something about me not denying my crush on Kylo for once, but he decided to drop it.

I would've still denied it though, even if it was true.


	13. Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Running my fingers over the fabric of the sweater I remembered what it was like to be close to Kylo, to hear his voice, to look into his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "(You took my heart)  
> (You took my heart)  
> You took my heaven away"
> 
>  _Heaven_ by PVRIS

Rey

I felt like I would go crazy if I had to spend another second with Finn and Poe. 

Not because I hated the idea of them being a couple, no, I actually thought they were adorable and perfect for one another. 

But after spending every lunch and almost every afternoon for the past four days with the happy couple I started feeling something inside of me.

Something was missing.

I too wanted to be with someone who was special to me. I wanted to be comforted by their words when I felt like everything around me was falling apart. I wanted to feel the warmth coming from their body, wrapping around my own even if we were only _close_ to touching. I wanted to be lost in their dark, mysterious eyes and in their black hair. 

I wanted to be _kissed_ by that special someone. 

And I knew _exactly_ who my heart was missing.

But I needed to be rational. I needed to ignore my emotions even if they had started speaking louder to me, driving me insane. 

I had promised myself that I would never have anything to do with _any_ of the First Order members because where they went, trouble _always_ followed. 

And because I had already broken that promise, I decided not to engage any further by keeping contact with Kylo Ren.

I mean, shouldn't my feelings for him vanish if I stopped seeing or talking to him? Shouldn't he then disappear from my thoughts? 

I knew that I had tried to avoid him before, but maybe I hadn't tried hard enough.

 _Maybe I should just listen to my mind and ignore my heart completely._ _Who_ _knows_ , _maybe it turns out that my feelings for him aren't real and I just craved to be as happy as Finn was with Poe._

Which was why I had cancelled on going to the movies with them tonight. If I really wasn't into Kylo and I just didn't want to be alone, then I needed to figure that out without a happy couple rubbing their love in my face.

" _You sure you don't want to come? I mean, it's Friday night, Rey. You should come with us_ ," Finn suggested, but my mind had already been set. I was going to stay in and catch up on my reading and _not_ think about Kylo Ren and the feelings that bubbled inside of me.

"Yeah, Finn, I'm _pretty_ sure. And anyways, you and Poe need time for just the two of you. I can't always be around when you're on a date. I'm not some kind of supervisor," I mentioned, hoping that he would realize that it sucked being the third wheel almost all the time.

_"Yeah, ok. I should get going. I'm picking Poe up before we go to the movies. Wanna talk later?"_

"Just call when you're back home. Have fun, love you."

" _Love you too_ ," Finn said before hanging up.

I let out a huge sigh when I flopped down on my bed, replacing my phone with a book I had started weeks ago. 

But I couldn't seem to read a single word in the whole story. 

I kept on spacing out, my mind unconsciously thinking about something or _someone_ else.

Half-closing my book on my lap, I moaned, "Can't anyone free me of this misery?"

I was sick and tired of my mind and heart wanting something else, not agreeing on _anything_ these past weeks. 

_All this wouldn't have happened if Finn hadn't decided to go to that_ stupid _party_..

As if on cue, I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in!" I called and my mom entered my room with folded laundry in her arms.

"I just came up here to bring you your laundry. Say, honey, didn't you want to go to the movies with Finn?" she asked me, placing the laundry on my bed.

"I decided to stay in this Friday," I gave my mom a sincere smile as I got up from my bed to put my clothes back into my dresser.

"Well that doesn't sound too bad either," she laughed and shut the door behind her leaving me with my laundry.

When I was nearly done with stuffing my clothes in my dresser I noticed that there had been pieces of clothing on my pile that hadn't been mine.

I hadn't owned a large dark sweater and black sweats in all my life.

No, I hadn't, but I knew _exactly_ who _had_.

Running my fingers over the fabric of the sweater I remembered what it was like to be close to Kylo, to hear his voice, to look into his eyes. 

That was when it hit me.

I finally knew who was going to win the war between my head and my heart.

"Thanks mom for driving me over to my friend's place," I kissed my mom on her cheek as I got out of the car.

"No problem, honey. Just call me when I should pick you up. I love you," she answered, smiling sweetly.

"I love you too," I told her before I turned to walk to the front door of the gray building. 

I clutched Kylo's clothes against my chest to stop my heart from breaking out of my rib cage as I stepped through the front door and walked the few flights of stairs to stand in front of an apartment door. 

_His_ apartment door.

 _What am I doing? This is just so fucking crazy. What if he isn't home? I mean, his car was parked outside, but that doesn't have to mean_ anything _._

 _He will never know I was here if I just leave now_. 

I knew I was trying to talk myself out of doing this, but I wasn't going to let anything get into the way now.

I raised my fist and knocked on his door, letting my heart lead me.


	14. I Wanna Be Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to be with her and listen to her talk about her hopes and dreams and protect her from her fears. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and comfort her whenever she felt like everything around her was falling apart. 
> 
> I wanted to feel her lips brush against mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I wanna be your vacuum cleaner  
> Breathin' in your dust  
> I wanna be your Ford Cortina  
> I will never rust  
> If you like your coffee hot  
> Let me be your coffee pot  
> You call the shots, babe  
> I just wanna be yours"
> 
>  _I Wanna Be Yours_ by Arctic Monkeys

Kylo

I was lying on my couch, staring at the ceiling.

This whole week had been such a mess.

I was forced to spend each day after school with Snoke and his little pet, Hux, driving around Jakku, dealing drugs, crashing parties and getting high and wasted.

And I felt sick of all this shit.

Sick of just following Snoke's orders and not having a mind of my own.

Sick of just being wasted most of the time.

Sick of being _afraid_ of Snoke.

I was so fucking glad that he had decided to cancel our plans for today because he had other things to do. And even though that was kind of seen as "good news" from me, there literally had been nothing that could cheer me up.

Nothing except Rey.

When Rey had approached me on Monday in the parking lot I don't think I had ever felt happier in my entire life. And just _remembering_ her walking towards me, talking to me, Hell, even _thanking_ me without a trace of fear made me feel like I could do _anything_ if she were just by my side.

And I really wanted her to be by my side.

I wanted to be with her and listen to her talk about her hopes and dreams and protect her from her fears. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and comfort her whenever she felt like everything around her was falling apart. 

I wanted to feel her lips brush against mine.

A smile crept upon my face as I imagined what it would be like if Rey and I kissed. What it would be like if our lips intertwined. What it would be like to hold her body against mine.

Never in a billion years would I have thought that being with Rey was everything I had ever wanted.

But I knew that that would never happen.

Rey would never want to be with someone like _me_. She knew _better_ than _that_. 

She didn't have a bad reputation, she was great in school and she was _gorgeous_ , so _why_ on Earth would she ever want to be with _me_?

But before my mind could continue giving me reasons why Rey would date someone in her league, I heard a knock on my apartment door.

 _Who the fuck could_ that _be_? I wondered, getting off of my sofa and heading to the door.

_No one in their right mind would come to my apartment._

_No one except Snoke._

I moaned in distress as I thought about what he would want from me now. Hadn't he cancelled on us today? Hadn't _he_ had something _better_ to do?

 _But what if it isn't Snoke_? I heard my heart speak hopefully, but it _had_ to be him.

 _Who else would want to see me_?

Sighing, I twisted the knob on the door and swung it open, revealing who was on the other side.

Shock paralyzed me as I stared down at the person standing in front of me, unable to grasp the fact that _she_ was standing in front of me, wanting to see me.

"Rey?"


	15. My Favorite Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Would you like to come inside?"
> 
> "Yes, I would love to." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Said, the universe couldn't keep us apart  
> Why would it even try?"
> 
>  _My Favorite Part_ by Mac Miller feat. Ariana Grande

Rey

I should've thought this through. 

Here I was, standing in front of Kylo, with his clothes in my hands and hearing him say my name as if he could not believe that I was really there.

What was I even _thinking_? I didn't know what I was going to do if he answered.

 _Hey, Kylo, I came over to give you back your clothes and to tell you that I can't stop thinking about you. Do you think_ _about me too?_

No, I couldn't say that. 

_Hi, it's me again. I just wanted to tell you that I really like you and I want to be with you and_..

Nope, not that either.

_Kylo, I think I have feelings for you._

What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn't just _tell_ him about how I felt about him right away. That would've just made everything more awkward than it already was.

_Just let your heart guide you._

"Rey, are you ok?" he asked concerned. "Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, I would love to." 

_Jeez, Rey, don't over do it._

I stepped into his apartment and turned around to face him as soon as he closed the door behind us. I could hear my heart pound in my ears when I stared into his eyes and feel my concentration slip from me again. Just like it had when our eyes first locked at the beginning of the school year. Back then when I thought _nothing_ would ever happen to me.

For a short moment, I had completely forgotten _everything_. I was so captivated by the very way he looked at me with his dark eyes swallowed by concern that I hadn't realized that he had been asking me what had brought me to him and if something was wrong.

In fact, there had been something wrong. I didn't know how to start speaking again. My mouth was completely dry and I felt as if I had lost the ability to speak properly without making a _complete_ fool out of myself. 

But I had already been a fool.

"Clothes!" I blurted out, embarrassing myself. 

Kylo just raised his perfect brow in confusion as a response.

"Uh, well, I mean," I began to splutter, "I came over to return the clothes you lent me." Awkwardly stretching out my arms towards him, I handed him his sweater and pants I had clutched to my chest as if when I were to lose them, I would lose my whole being. 

"Thanks," he chuckled softly while hiding what sounded like a hint of disappointment in his voice as he took the clothing into his hands. 

"They're fresh out of the washing machine," I mentioned. 

_Oh my god, just kill me already. This is so fucking awkward_.

Kylo suppressed a small smile while he stared down onto his sweater. "You shouldn't have," he joked tossing his stuff onto a small, round table which was set near the door. Now it was my turn to hide my awkward, goofy smile.

We stood there in an uncomfortable silence a few more minutes until I told him that I would have to get going again and at those words my heart twisted evilly, making it so hard for me to breathe.

Nodding, Kylo turned back to face the door to open it for me. 

_You didn't come here just to bring his stuff back! Come on Rey! Don't let coming here be for nothing! Tell him how you feel!_

It was true. I had come here for a completely different reason than returning what was his.

I had come because my heart had told me to.

Because I wanted to be with him.

But I how could I tell him?

How?

"Kylo?" I spoke in barely a whisper, yet he still managed to hear me.

"Yes?" his response was deep and dark and he turned around to face me again.

Staring from the floor into his face, framed by his dark hair, I knew exactly what I had to do. And I _knew_ that it was going to be a bold move.

In a swift, yet somehow slow movement I placed my hands on the back of his neck and pulled him to me so our lips could finally meet.

I tried to stifle the fire running through my veins as I kissed him, expecting Kylo to pull away from me. 

Yet instead, he angled his head and placed his hands on my back, pulling me closer to his body to deepen the kiss we now shared.

Kylo

I had never expected Rey to be so _fierce_.

The way she pulled me to her perfectly shaped lips, the way her muscles relaxed as I kissed her back, the way her slim fingers slowly crept from the back of my neck into my hair and the way she pressed her small figure against my body as I held her closer showed me that I hadn't been the only one who wanted this more than I had thought.

It showed me that I had been wrong by thinking she would never in her right mind want to be with me.

Rey's soft lips fit perfectly onto mine almost like two puzzle pieces finding their way back to each other. 

A feeling I had never felt before spread through my body like a wildfire. A feeling that made me believe that being with her was right, that I was destined to be with her.

That _we_ were destined to be together.

We were complete opposites, but it felt as if we belonged to one whole. I was dark, she was light. She was good, I was bad. 

We were _one_.

Her breathing hitched when I ran my fingers down her spine and rested my hands on her hips, trying to pull myself together, afraid I might scare her off by taking it too far. 

And I would never want to scare her off.

But it was Rey who took another step by softly biting my lower lip, by driving me even crazier than she already had.

By making me desire her even more.

I felt my mind shut off and my heart take control over my actions as I picked Rey up, wrapping her legs around my waist. 

At first, I thought she might protest or even realize that this wasn't what she wanted at all, but instead she tightened her legs around me while her lips wrapped around mine with even more fiery than before.

Sensing that she had also dismissed her mind, that she _had_ wanted this after all, I carried her to my room, never breaking away from her lips.

I could feel the heat of her body radiating through our clothes as I set her down on my bed and I took a moment to look at her.

Rey's beauty could kill me. The way her brown hair looked like soft waves against my pillow, the way her fair, innocent eyes searched my face and the way her sweet, soft lips were slightly parted from the kiss I had stolen from them, filled me with sweet agony. 

She destroyed every cold stone I had used to build my wall to shield myself from feeling anything at all.

She destroyed everything I believed in.

She destroyed _me_. 

And I didn't even mind because I knew that she could put me back together. That she could fix me.

I noticed Rey's mouth form into a sly smile before she grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me on top of her, while she nudged my lips open with her own, sending me back to surrender against her body.

We were in motion like a wave, pushing and pulling as we drowned in one another, suffocating on our kisses. 

Rey let out a soft moan when my lips explored her neck and her collar bone while I grasped her hips tighter.

I was feeling dazed, high, whatever you called it, and I wanted more. I wanted to take every bit of her in.

She was a drug I could not resist, a drug I needed.

Rey's hands wandered from my shoulders to my lower back, pulling up the fabric of my shirt. In a swift move, I tugged off my shirt and tossed it somewhere on the floor, not taking my eyes off of her, fearing that if I did she might vanish into thin air. 

I felt her fingers tangling themselves in my hair again and her thighs tighten around my waist, almost as if she were inviting me to take the next step.

But was I willing to go further now? 

I _knew_ I wanted her, more than anything in the whole world, but I also knew that now wasn't the time. 

I didn't want her to be treated like any other girl I had been with before her. I didn't want to just have sex with her.

I wanted her, every bit of her. Every tear, every smile, every frustration, every blowup, I wanted to be a part of _all_ of it. I wanted to be _there_ for _all_ of it.

Rey was special to me, and there was no way I wasn't going to hide that from her.

"Rey?" I echoed, my voice cracking slightly.

"Yes?" she barely whispered with flushed cheeks.

 _Ok, calm down_. 

"I-I-I.." I began to stutter. 

_That's not calm._

I pried my eyes away from her in embarrassment, any sign of my usual cold heart completely melted away just by her touch.

Rey placed her hands on the side of my face to turn my gaze back to her. Her touch seemed so comforting, so soothing to me and I didn't want her to let me go.

"What is it?" I heard her ask me, a hint of concern hidden deep in her voice.

She was _worried_ for _me_. For the monster.

 _Her_ monster.

I sighed, shutting my eyes. I needed to stop my heart from beating viciously in my chest. 

"What I am trying to tell you is that I want to be with you, more than I have ever wanted to be with someone, but I don't want you to think that you are just "some girl". I want to prove to you that you are so much more to me. I don't want to rush into anything if you aren't ready yet. I want you to be comfortable with this... with _me_."

Opening my eyes, I saw that she gave me a sincere smile before she gave me a peck on my lips. 

"Thank you."


	16. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something held me back from making my promise to Poe.
> 
> _Would I be able to keep my promise?_

Finn

It was nice to go out with Poe for once instead of hiding around in his room, or in the boys' locker room, or behind the gym, or any of our other hideouts.

We went to this foreign film with subtitles because we knew that no one from Jakku High would _ever_ go and watch a movie where you had to read to know what's going on instead of seeing a 26 year old play a "teenager" in a really bad comedy.

Poe and I had shared a coke and popcorn. Watching him biting the straw and playing around with it with his tongue was so painfully sexy to me I could literally feel myself drool over him.

He glanced at me from the corner of his eye, clearly noticing that I had been staring at him, my jaw probably at the Earth's core right now.

Smirking, he placed the empty drink in the cup holder, grabbing my hand and leaning in, kissing me passionately. 

How I wished that this moment would never end. Just the two of us, being open about our love for one another to the rest of the world.

Or the rest of Jakku.

But I had still been struggling with telling my parents about me being gay, so as long as they didn't know, nobody in Jakku knew. Because as soon as _anyone_ in town would find out, they would go running to my parents.

And they shouldn't find out about it from anyone else except me.

But _how_ should I tell them?

 _Mom, dad, I like boys_.

 _I wanted to tell you that I am dating someone. His name is Poe Dameron_. 

_Hey guys, sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm gay_.

It had been easier telling Rey about my sexual orientation than my folks. Rey was so supportive about it and so, so _happy_ for me _and_ Poe. 

She was _the_ best friend you could ever wish for. She always had my back and she always knew the solution to my problems.

Which was also why she would tell me to finally come out to my parents. Because it would solve everything and because it was the right thing to do.

The problem was that I _feared_ their reaction. Both of my parents grew up in religious households and they had been living here in Jakku for almost all their lives that I was afraid they would be as conservative as almost everyone else here in this hellhole.

As the credits rolled, Poe and I got up and made our way back outside. Before we exited the theater, we kissed one more time and let go of each other's hands. 

_No one can know_ , I thought, regret scaring my heart.

I had parked a few blocks away from the movie's so Poe and I could take a short walk together, spending a bit more time together before I had to take him back home.

It was a chilly October night and my dumbass forgot my jacket at home.

 _Don't forget your jacket_! I remembered my mom telling me before I left, but of course I chose to ignore her. How was I supposed to know that it would be _this_ cold? 

But I tried not to show any signs of me freezing my ass off in front of Poe. I had to be tough for him.

"Jesus, Finn, you're shaking like a leaf!" Poe exclaimed, putting a hand on my shoulder to stop me from taking another step.

_Good job, Finn. You're an idiot._

"N-no I'm n-not. You m-must be i-ima-gining things," I tried to object, but the cold had already managed to bite its way through my shirt.

Poe sighed, smiling broadly while taking off his brown leather jacket. "Here, let me help you out," he uttered, helping me put on his jacket.

Poe's leather jacket, his _favorite_ jacket _ever_ was now shielding me from the cold. The scent of it was starting to warm me up from the inside. It smelled of leather and his favorite cologne with a hint of motor oil.

It smelled of _him_.

"Thanks," I whispered in the softest tone ever, ready to kiss him, but then I realized that we were still out in the open where anyone could see us.

For some reason, it looked as if Poe had been slightly disappointed that I hadn't kissed him right then and there, but he knew how difficult it was for me right now.

 _It won't be like this for long, I promise_ , I thought to myself, wanting to say these words aloud, yet something held me back from making my promise to Poe.

_Would I be able to keep my promise?_

It had been strangely silent in the car as I drove Poe back home. I could sense that something was bothering him, but I couldn't put my finger on what it could be.

"Is everything ok?" I voiced, hoping that he would talk to me about it.

"Huh? Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I'm just tired," he answered. I couldn't tell if he was lying or really tired because he had never lied to me before and he had never been tired when I was with him, so I let it drop. If he really was tired, then I should leave him be. There's nothing more obnoxious than having someone trying to talk to you when you were exhausted.

I quietly parked in front of his driveway and turned to face him. Poe was staring out of the window, a frown painted on his face.

I grabbed his hand to get his attention and when he faced me, I pulled him into a passionate goodbye-kiss. I could feel him relax under my touch which relieved me because I knew everything was ok.

"Do you want me to call you later?" I asked as he got out of my car.

"Yeah, just call me whenever you can," Poe smiled, yet before he could shut the door I realized that he forgot something.

"Poe! Wait, your jacket!" I called while starting to take the jacket off.

"You keep it, it looks good on you," he winked at me before closing the door.

I watched him enter his front door before I drove home.

 _I have Poe's jacket_ , I thought excitedly, realizing that he told me to _keep_ it. 

A mixture of shock and happiness stirred inside of me.

 _His_ favorite _jacket_.

Rey

The confusion that had been with me these past weeks had finally vanished. Everything made sense again. 

I was supposed to be with Kylo, even though my mind fought it at first, something inside me knew that this was were I was meant to be. And that something had been my heart.

And now my heart was at home.

In his arms.

Kylo's strong arms were wrapped around my waist while he nuzzled the back of my neck. I could still feel his bare chest through the fabric of my shirt, the image of when we made out fresh like an oozing wound. 

A wound that should _never_ heal.

It had surprised me that he wanted to take it slow, though. It meant so much to me that he somehow tried to show me that I wasn't _nothing_ to him.

I meant _something_ to him.

It also kind of relieved me because I didn't want to ruin what I had with him because of my lack of experience. 

Before tonight, I had never been kissed, I had never made out with someone, I had never had a _boyfriend_.

 _What if he doesn't want to date me? What if he doesn't want to put a label on this_? I pondered nervously. I had feelings for him, and I knew he must have mutual feelings for me as well, but was I his _girlfriend_? And if so, how were we going to make this work? I know Finn didn't like Kylo all too much, but he would approve of him nonetheless, but what about the First Order? Were they even allowed to have girlfriends?

"What's wrong?" Kylo asked me, snapping me out of my trail of thought.

"What makes you think something is wrong?" I voiced looking over my shoulder to take a look at him, knowing that seeing him shirtless again would probably kill me.

I felt him pull the arm I was lying on out from under me to rest himself on his elbow so he could take a better look at my face. 

"I can sense it," Kylo replied, his other arm still resting around my waist, the touch still sending shivers through my whole body, just like it had before when his hands had grasped my hips as he pulled me closer to him. 

I turned around to completely face him, my expression full of astonishment. 

_How can he know that something is troubling me? Can he read my mind?_

His soft lips formed a heartbreakingly beautiful smile as he chuckled at my reaction, "I could _sense_ it because you held your breath after inhaling deeply while your muscles tensed." 

I tried to suppress a small smile by the thought of him noticing that something was bothering me through some minor changes I hadn't even realized.

"Tell me," he muttered softly, his hand moving from my hip to my face to brush a strand of hair out of the way. 

I took a moment to take a look at him. 

His usual neat dark hair was now tousled around his face, while his cold, mysterious eyes no longer hid his emotions from me.

This wasn't the Kylo everyone knew and feared. This was _my_ Kylo, who let his guard down around me, whom I could trust.

I inhaled sharply before I asked a question I feared the answer from, "What are we?"

"What do you mean?" he asked in confusion, furrowing his brows.

"Well, you know.. what are _we_? This thing we have, what is it?" I must've sounded like a complete moron. 

"I thought it was obvious," he acknowledged slightly parting his lips 

"It _is_?" I asked, not sure what could be so obvious and why I didn't know the answer to my own question. 

Kylo's fingers traced my face from my cheekbone to my chin, resting there. The movement of his hand was almost as if his fingers were a paintbrush and I was his canvas. He leaned forward, his eyes fluttering shut as he planted a soft, yet meaningful kiss on my lips. 

Pulling away he echoed in the softest, yet sexiest possible way, "Does that answer your question?"

In fact, it had answered my question. We were more than just a one- or two-time thing. 

He wanted this to last, just as much as I wanted it to.

A small wave of relief washed over me, but there was still a thought tugging the back of my mind.

"And how is this relationship going to work? Are you going to tell Snoke and Hux about us?"

Kylo's own muscles tensed and he lay flat on his back, staring at the ceiling while nervously biting his lower lip. "I don't know," he answered glancing worriedly at me. 

Fear started to grapple itself in my gut, but then Kylo added hastily, "But I _promise_ I'll do my best to make this work."

I smiled reassuringly, the fear melting away, before I kissed his cheek. 

" _We'll_ do our best," I corrected him, resting my head on his chest. 

I could sense that he was smiling without even looking at him as he wrapped his arms around me again, holding me tight.

A warm feeling flooded my body.

 _I promise_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone please bring Finn some water. He's thirsty.


	17. Follow You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The touch of her palm against mine set fire to my veins and I felt a bittersweet flame nestle itself in my chest causing me pain yet also warming me from the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "So you can drag me through Hell  
> If it meant I could hold your hand  
> I will follow you cause I'm under your spell  
> And you can throw me to the flames  
> I will follow you, I will follow you"
> 
> _Follow You_ by Bring Me the Horizon

Kylo

I had insisted on taking Rey home. I wanted to spend every second I could get with her before we would have to hide our relationship from Snoke and Hux, even if it only meant spending fifteen to twenty minutes in my car, with me behind the steering wheel and her sitting on the passenger's seat.

I really wanted her to stay, but I knew that she had to go home and I respected that. It still hurt though, knowing that I would have to watch her leave my car and disappear into her house, knowing that on Monday I wouldn't be able to kiss her in front of anyone who was close to the First Order. Not until I found a way to protect her from them. 

At first, it had been pretty silent in the car, yet it hadn't been an awkward kind of silence. It was more a sad type because none of us wanted her to leave so soon. But I wasn't going to let it stay that way, I wanted to hear her voice and I sure as hell didn't want her to be sad.

So I needed to come up with something that would cheer her up, something she could talk to me about.

But _what_?

_What is really important to her_? I wondered.

That was when the answer popped into my head. Not _what_ , but _who_ was important to her.

"Tell me about you and Finn," I told her, realizing that I should've rephrased my sentence before saying it out loud because it sounded like I was jealous of him. But I wasn't really jealous, I mean, I knew that Finn and Rey spent a lot of time together and that they were really close, but I didn't want to talk about their friendship because I was jealous. 

Not unless I had a reason to be.

"Oh, Finn and I have been best friends since kindergarten. It's actually a pretty funny story how we first met," Rey began. 

She then told me how on her first day of kindergarten, she had played "tag" with a group of kids and Finn. Every time someone almost caught up to her, Finn had always grabbed her hand and pulled her after him, "saving" her from the one who had been chasing her around the playground. Rey started giggling when she said that every time he had taken her hand, she would remind him that he shouldn't grab her hand because she didn't want him to. But when a kid had wanted to tag Finn, she had run up to the kid, distracting him by calling his name so he couldn't get to Finn. 

"So, that's basically how our friendship started," she finished laughing and I swear that sound made my heart leap out of my chest.

Rey fell silent again afterwards, so I took a sideways glance at her to check if everything was ok and I noticed that she had been staring at me, her eyes sparkling as they cautiously wandered around my face while her mouth twitched at the corner.

Her cheeks flared a deep red when she realized that I had caught her staring. She averted her eyes and tried to hide the color in her cheeks by turning her face away from me. 

I felt my own cheeks start to burn, the feeling as if her eyes had left an imprint on where they had rested.

I wanted to keep on looking at her, absorbing every tiny detail of her from the freckles on her nose to the way her nose crinkled when she laughed, from the color of her eyes to the way they shone when we leaned into each other, from the color of her hair to the touch of them between my fingers, from the shape of her lips to the taste of them. But I had to keep my eyes on the road to get her home safely.

Though that didn't hold me back from taking her hand into mine. The touch of her palm against mine set fire to my veins and I felt a bittersweet flame nestle itself in my chest causing me pain yet also warming me from the inside.

I knew that Rey could cause me unbearable pain, but I didn't care because it would be _her_ doing. They would be _her_ scars on my heart and I would cherish them forever.

After a while, it really felt like seconds until I stopped in front of her house.

I could feel my heart twist and ache when I watched her unbuckle her seatbelt. I wanted to tell her to stay, to come back with me, but I held myself back from voicing my desire.

But I did something else I had never done before.

"Rey, before you go I want to give you my number," I nervously spoke as I took my phone out of my pocket, opening my contacts and clicking on my own number before I handed my phone over to her. 

Rey looked at me as if I had done something incredible and special. Well, actually it had been my first time giving a girl _my_ number. Usually girls would give me their number, hoping I would text or call them, but I never did because I didn't want to, because I didn't give a single fuck about them.

But I wanted Rey to be able to get a hold of me whenever she needed to. I wanted her to wake me up in the middle of night, just because she needed to hear my voice. I wanted her to text me to pick her up. 

I wanted her to know that she could _always_ count on me to be there when she needed me.

A few seconds after she typed my number into her phone, she started typing something into mine before she handed it back to me, a grin spread across her face when she added, "The same goes for you."

Glancing down at the screen, I saw that she had added a new contact to the few I had in my phone. 

_Her_ contact.

My eyes wandered back to look into her eyes and I placed a hand on her cheek before I pulled her into a kiss that I wish would last forever.

But the things we wish would never end, end in a matter of seconds.

"Feel free to call or text me," she added getting out of the car.

"I will," I told her before she shut the door, letting me watch her walk away.

_I will_ , I thought and for the first time, I really meant it.


	18. No More Bad Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And after you tell them, there will be no more bad days."
> 
> "Yeah, no more bad days."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "No more bad days  
> It's clear from here  
> No more bad days  
> For you my dear"
> 
> _No More Bad Days_ by This Wild Life

Rey

I woke up at around 2 p.m. after spending almost all night talking to Kylo. 

To be honest, I hadn't expected him to call me or even text me _so soon_. I always had imagined boys having this "three-day-rule" where they had to wait until they get in touch with a girl who gave them their phone number.

Yet again, Kylo had given me _his_ number, so maybe this had been a different situation.

I had arrived at home at about 11 p.m., making my way to my room as quietly as possible because I knew my mom had already gone to sleep and I sure as hell didn't want to wake her up or else she would've started questioning me about why I hadn't called her to pick me up and who brought me home etc., etc., etc.

While I had been lying alone in bed, I felt a sudden pain in my chest as if something were missing. 

_He_ had been missing.

Embracing the relieving pain, I had tried to figure out how this could've happened to me.

How I could've fallen for him like _this_ , wanting to be with him all the time, missing him whenever we weren't together, a smile spreading across my face when I thought of him and being completely caught of guard when he was near.

Had it started when I stayed the night at his apartment, when he told me I wasn't alone? Or at the party when he tried his best to take care of me?

Or before that when our eyes locked in the hallway and I felt a sudden pull to him?

Yet none of that had really mattered to me, for all I knew was that he made me happy even though he had done some sick shit in the name of the First Order.

At around midnight, I had still been lying awake in bed unable to even shut my eyes for a few moments, my mind constantly reaching out to the thought of wanting him to be next to me, wanting to hear his voice before I fell asleep against his chest while he wrapped his arms around my body.

A bright light flashing on my nightstand had pulled me out of my own head for a short moment. Adjusting my eyes to the brightness, I noticed that that light had been my phone going off because of a notification I had received. 

I had grabbed my phone, believing that maybe it could take my mind off of Kylo before going to bed, yet to my surprise, he had sent me a text message asking me if I could sleep.

Kylo had been awake, just as I had been.

After I had answered him that I couldn't fall asleep he had called me and we talked to each other until about four in the morning. 

At first, we had talked about simple things such as favorite subject in school and the sort. He had chuckled as I told him that mine had been Physics and Maths, telling me that he would've thought that I would be more into History or English because he had never thought that _anyone_ would find Maths, let alone Physics slightly interesting. But I hadn't been the only one full of surprises. I had been astonished to find out that, while he didn't have a favorite subject anymore because he didn't really have time to concentrate on school, he had used to really like Art in school and that he even practiced doing calligraphy when he had still been living at home. 

Part of me had wanted to know where he had lived before and why he had come to Jakku, why he had to obey Snoke's every word, but something told me that that was a question for another time. 

So we had started talking about what our plans were after high school. Kylo had told me that he didn't really have a plan yet because he would have to go wherever Snoke and Hux went. Hearing him say that filled me with hurt and anger. I couldn't understand _why_ he would willingly stay with the First Order. What did they have to hold against him? 

I had told Kylo about Finn and my plan to finally ditch Jakku to go and study somewhere far away, somewhere like Naboo or Bespin. He had laughed softly, mentioning that Naboo was really beautiful and that I would definitely like it there. Kylo had been there a few times when he was a child, visiting his grandmother in the summer when she had still been alive. 

I had felt my heart flutter. That had been the first time Kylo mentioned anything about his family to me.

It had been the first time that _anyone_ other than himself and maybe the First Order knew something about his family.

It had felt like we had been talking for only a few minutes, but as both of us started yawning uncontrollably, we had noticed that it had already been four and that we had been talking for four hours straight.

Kylo then had decided it would be best for us to go to bed, promising that he would get in touch as soon as he could.

After we hung up, I only remembered dozing off, smiling like a moron.

And I woke up, _still_ smiling like a moron.

_Ok, Rey, don't let mom suspect anything_ , I thought as I walked down the stairs trying to hide the fact that I came home so late.

"Hi mom," I kissed her cheek before I grabbed a cup of coffee off the counter.

"So nice of you for not waking me up when you arrived last night, very thoughtful," she pointed out, hiding a smile behind her cup.

I stood there in shock. 

_How could she know? Oh, wait, of course she knew. She knows_ everything.

But she didn't know _who_ brought me home.

"Yeah, sorry that I didn't call you, but Finn needed to talk to me about something important which is why he insisted on taking me home," I answered, trying to stay calm.

"Well, Finn sure had a lot to say if you two were still up talking until very early this morning," she mentioned cooly. When I turned to face her I saw that she had raised her brows as if to tell me that she did in fact know _everything_.

But before I could find the words in my mouth, she added, "So, tell me, who is this boy."

"He's just a friend," I answered, wanting to drop the topic.

"Rey, you know you can tell me," mom stood up, walking over to where I was standing to put her hands on my shoulders and to look sincerely into my eyes.

I sighed. I didn't know if it was the right thing to talk to my mom about this just yet. No one knew about us yet.

"As I said, mom, he's just a really good friend," I lied, grabbing an apple and heading to my room.

"Whatever you say," I heard my mom mutter before I reached the top of the stairs.

I knew I could tell my mom about Kylo, but I didn't feel comfortable with her knowing about us when no one else did, especially because Kylo and I needed to be careful around the First Order.

But I wanted to talk to someone about it, to someone who would be as happy for me as I had been for him.

I wanted to talk to my better half, Finn.

Finn

I parked my car in Rey's driveway before heading to her front door.

She had called me, telling me to come over to her house as soon as I could and to bring a pair of spare clothes with me right before hanging up.

With Rey as a friend, you never knew what she was going to be up to. She might need the clothes as a disguise to run away or she wanted to make a statement by wearing them herself. 

But the cause didn't matter to me. 

She mattered and if she needed me, I would be there.

As I reached the first step leading to the front door I heard the door swing open and my eyes shot up immediately to see Rey standing at the door way, gesturing me to hurry up.

Once I got inside, she embraced me in a huge hug whispering, "I'm so glad you came," while she rested her chin on my shoulder.

"No problem, what's going on?" I answered, concerned by why she was whispering. 

_Is she planning on running away? Does she want me to come with her?_

"We need to talk, follow me to my room," Rey told me before letting go. 

_What happened_? I worried, as we walked in silence to her room.

Shutting the door behind us, Rey flopped down on her bed, grabbing a pillow and holding it against her chest. It had been her signature "I-need-to-talk-to-you-about-something" pose ever since I knew her.

"What's going on, Rey? What are the clothes for?" I questioned, sitting down in front of her. "Are you planning on running away?" 

Rey tried to stifle a giggle before she answered, "No, I'm not. The clothes are for you."

I stared at her in confusion. Of course they were my clothes, but why did she want me to bring them with me?

"You're going to stay the night," she responded without me having to ask. "Oh, and don't worry about asking your parents, I already called them, saying that you were going to sleep over my place tonight while you drove over here."

I sighed in relief as a broad smile flashed across my face. 

With Rey, you never knew what was going to happen. 

And that was one of the many beauties of our friendship.

"Ok, so now that we got that covered, what do you need to talk to me about?" I asked, raising my brow and nodding my chin to her arms clutching the pillow.

"Oh, yeah, well.." Rey mumbled, playing with the frays on the pillowcase while her cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink.

"Rey?"

"Well, you probably remember Kylo, right?"

"Do you mean the Kylo who almost kissed you and who seems to be the only guy who really caught your eye, causing you to blush whenever you see him let alone talk about him? I do faintly remember him," I pointed out playfully. "Why?"

"Well, um.. I.. uh," Rey stammered, her eyes drawn to her fingers as they fumbled with the pillow in her hands.

"Rey, go on. You can tell me."

"I made out with Kylo Ren," she blurted out and I felt my hand claps my mouth in shock because never in my life had I imagined her saying those words right this moment. Her hacking a plan of building a rocket to fly us to another planet, yes, but not _this_.

" _When_?" I managed to voice.

"Yesterday, in his apartment," she answered quietly.

" _In_ _his apartment_?!" I crowed so loud that probably her neighbors heard me.

Rey put her hands on my lips and hushed me, "My mother doesn't know about this. In fact _nobody_ is supposed to know yet."

"Yeah, ok, alright," I whispered. "So, you guys are _thing_ now?"

Rey awkwardly smiled in response and her cheeks began to turn that beautiful shade of pink that suited her face so well.

"Rey, I'm so happy for you," I kissed her cheek and hugged her. I knew that she had feelings for Ren, even though she tried to hide it from me.

But Rey couldn't hide anything from me.

I knew her too well for that to ever happen.

"So, tell me how it happened," I insisted.

She then began to tell me how she had felt this strange connection to him ever since he had gotten her out of Chewie's party and taken her home safely and that no matter how hard she had tried to get him out of her mind, he would never abandon her thoughts.

Then she proceeded to tell me that she had finally realized what her feelings meant and that, without a second thought, she had gone to his apartment to see him, to reveal her feelings to him. 

Rey hadn't known _how_ to tell Kylo that she liked him, which was why she had pulled him into a kiss that, luckily, resulted into a make-out session.

What was surprising to me was that _he_ had been the one to tell her that they should take it slow. He really did feel the same way about her.

"Both of us need to be careful though because Snoke and Hux aren't supposed to know about us. So it would be really sweet if you could keep this secret between us," Rey finished, letting out a huge huff of breath.

"Of course I will! I mean, for everything you have done for Poe and for me, it's the _least_ I can do," I sympathized, grabbing her hand, for I knew _exactly_ what she was going to go through.

Well maybe not exactly.

I mean, she wasn't going to have to come out to her parents.

"So, how was your date?" Rey asked, changing the subject.

I smiled sadly, thinking about how I wished that I wouldn't have to hide from anyone anymore, how I wished to be myself and not live a lie.

"It was great," I uttered, looking down at my hands. _The_ hands Poe wanted to hold, _the_ exact hands that wanted to run through his hair and touch his cheek when we kissed.

"Poe gave me his jacket," I added sadly, trying to force myself to smile as tears stung my eyes.

I felt Rey's hands on my cheeks and I felt her raise my face up to meet hers. 

"Hey, what's wrong," she whispered softly, "Isn't that a good thing?" Rey wiped away tears that managed to escape my eyes unnoticed. 

"Yes, _it_ is, but I'm just so sick and tired of hiding," I began to cry before Rey held me in her arms to comfort me.

"I want to be with him, I _really_ want to be with him, Rey, but my parents would _never_ accept me for who I really am. They wouldn't love me for my _true_ self. They only love the son they created in their minds. The son who doesn't like boys, who would never speak against their "religious" norms," I pleaded sobbing against her shoulder.

"Finn, your parents' love for you will never change, no matter who you love. I have seen the way the look at you. They _adore_ you and they are so proud of who you are as a person. Do you really think that when you tell them that you love men, that that will change the way they look at you?" Rey stated, her grip on my shoulders as she let go of me to look into my eyes was firm, yet sincere. 

It was reassuring.

I inhaled, letting my mind clear away the dark clouds of sadness to reveal what was important in my life.

To reveal what I had to do to finally be happy with the boy I loved.

"You're right. I'm still me, no matter who I'm with. I need to tell them."

Rey smiled softly at me, acknowledging, "And after you tell them, there will be no more bad days."

"Yeah, no more bad days."


	19. A Big Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I needed to face my fears instead of suppressing them. I needed to show my mom and dad who I really was. 
> 
> I needed to be free.

Finn

Today was going to be the day.

The day I would finally tell my parents that I was gay.

The day I could finally reveal my _true self._

Breaking down in front of Rey had shown me how much I needed to do this. I needed to face my fears instead of suppressing them. I needed to show my mom and dad who I really was. 

I needed to be free.

Rey and I had talked all night about how I was going to break the news to my family. At first, we had joked around by saying that I should show up by wearing a shirt that said "I'm gay, deal with it" under my hoodie and that while they sat down nervously waiting to hear whatever I had to tell them, I would just unzip my hoodie and reveal my shirt to them. Or tell them that I wanted to participate in a Drag Queen competition on national television. 

But in the end we had come up with the best way for me to break it to them.

I was going to ask them to sit down with me at the dining table because I would have to tell them something important. Then I would start by telling them how proud I was of them for being able to raise me in this small town, telling me that I should never listen to what other people had to say about me because my happiness was my happiness and no one should ever get to even have the chance to interfere with it. Then I would thank them for always encouraging me to strive for my goals and that they showed me that I was able to reach for the stars if I wanted to. I would hug them and tell them that I could never repay them for everything they had done for me and that I hope they will still love me no matter what and that I will always be there son, Finn.

Finally, I would mention that I found somebody, somebody who I really cared for, somebody who I knew they would really like because he cared for me as much as I cared for him. I would add that his name is "Poe Dameron" and that we have been dating for more than a month now and that I hope that they would understand and accept me for who I am.

That was how I was going to do it.

I felt very queasy when I parked my car in our garage. Yet I needed to stay calm, I _knew_ what I needed to do, so I took a deep breath to steady my nerves before I got out of the car.

 _I can do this, I can do this_ , I kept telling myself as I walked into our living room, cold sweat dripping down my back. 

My mom was setting the table for lunch while my dad was reading the paper on the couch. I clenched and unclenched my fists a few times to calm down before I spoke, not wanting to stutter or let my voice quaver.

"Mom, dad?"

"Yes, honey?" My mom replied in a soothing tone, which really helped me calm down a little. "How was your sleepover at Rey's?"

"It was fine. I need to.." I began, but was interrupted by her.

"Finn, honey, could you help me set the table? Lunch will be ready soon."

"Yeah sure, but I kind of wanted to talk to you about something beforehand," I said feeling sweat form in the palms of my hands. 

"What is it, son?" my dad asked not taking his eyes away from the Sunday paper.

"I was actually wondering if we could maybe sit down together for me to explain everything."

That was when I felt my fear pierce through my gut again like a knife stabbing me in the cruelest way possible. My dad had only shown a short reaction by lifting his eyes from the paper to look at me while furrowing his brows, but my _mom_.. The way her eyes shone bright with angst and the way her smile turned into a frown was unbearable for me to see.

Why would I do this to her? Why would I make her worry like this?

"What's wrong? Is everything ok? Are you sick? Hurt? Did somebody hurt you?" She rambled in fear.

"I just wanted to tell you.." I began, my voice trying to stay steady as a rock while I looked into their eyes, each of them showing a different kind of emotion. My mother's were now filled to the brim with worry and fear while my father's stared eagerly into my face, eager to know what I was about to say.

Eager to know if I was about to break my mother's heart.

My mouth was suddenly dry and the plan Rey and I had come up with vanished into thin air, leaving only the most important part in my mind.

 _I'm gay_.

"I-I wanted t-to t-tell you," I stuttered, my nerves swarming through me, scratching and scarring my insides. 

I took a deep breath trying to stop my gut from churning before I continued to speak.

"I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I'm thankful for everything that you've done for me."

My father smiled before turning back to his paper while my mother spoke, "We love you too, honey. Now don't you go and frighten us like that anymore, you hear me? You almost gave your mother a heart attack."

I grabbed some plates off the table to set them down in front of each chair. 

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

I thanked my parents for the meal after helping them clear off the table before I headed to my room.

During lunch, I had the feeling of almost choking on every tear I had forced to stay in my body just because I didn't want them to see me break down because of something I hadn't done. I had thought I had been ready for this, I had thought I wouldn't back down.

I had thought that today I would be taking a big step forward.

Instead I took a big step back.

But as I closed the door to my bedroom I didn't feel like crying anymore. That didn't mean that I wasn't disappointed in myself for not making any progress, but how could it be that a few moments ago, I felt as if everything around me was going to crumble and fall when now I almost felt nothing? How could it be that my tears dried out when I had to hold every tear threatening to escape just now?

_What if this is a sign that it's better this way? Maybe it's better to keep this a secret from them._

"It's not like I'm disappointing anyone other than myself with this decision," I told myself.

That was only partly true, and I knew it. My parents wouldn't be disappointed in something they didn't know of and even though Rey would tell me that it would be a bad idea to keep my relationship from them, she would still comfort me because she knew how hard this whole thing was for me.

But what about Poe? He didn't know I had planned on coming out to mom and dad, but I knew that he wished I did. And although he understood how difficult it was for me, I could still sense that he hoped I would speak to them about it. 

But would Poe be disappointed? 

I pondered a long time about that question. I didn't know if he could be disappointed in something I never told him about, yet again, what if he somehow found it? Would he understand? Would he turn his back and leave me?

But if Poe really wanted to be with me, wouldn't he accept my decision as long as he and I could be together?

 _Would he understand_? I wondered. I thought about how he cared for me the whole time we've been together and I thought about how everything had been fine the whole time with my parents not knowing, why shouldn't it remain that way?

_He'll understand, I know he will._

_Everything's going to be fine._


	20. Under the Bleachers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our kiss was soft and sweet and I felt like I could stay like this forever. 
> 
> Just him and I, under the bleachers, sharing kisses with one another.

Rey

"So, what are you going to do now?" I asked Finn as he rummaged through his locker for his biology textbook.

He had told me about yesterday, that he couldn't bring himself to come out to his parents even though he knew it would've been the right thing to do. 

Even though he had wanted to end his misery.

"I don't know.. I probably just won't tell them," he muttered to me so no one could hear him. Finn didn't want anyone to hear our conversation due to the fact that he didn't want Poe to know that Finn had planned to tell his parents about his relationship only to decide differently.

"But weren't you sick of it? Just Saturday you broke down because of how torn you were because of hiding your life from your parents," I pointed out furrowing my brows in way to show him that I _definitely_ remembered it.

"Well, Rey, you didn't see the look on my mom's face, _I_ _did_!" Finn snapped. He narrowed his gaze to the floor and sighed, "I just can't see her like that again. It would break my heart."

"Would it break your heart more seeing your mother look at you like that, or suffering more and more each day?" I asked, but I could sense that Finn didn't want to answer.

He knew had to make a difficult decision.

It was their happiness or his.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, smiling at him as I spoke softly, "Hey, you'll get through this. I know you will."

Finn exhaled before he raised his eyes to fixate onto my face. "Thank you, Rey, for being there for me."

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it in a loving way. "I'll always be there for you. Now come on, let's get you to class."

Poe joined us at lunch. He flashed his straight white teeth at Finn when he saw that he was still wearing the leather jacket that had once belonged to him. While Finn greeted his secret boyfriend with a smile, I noticed how Finn tried his best to hide his inner turmoil from Poe, who, luckily for Finn, didn't notice that something was wrong. 

Then again, maybe he _did_ notice, but he didn't want to talk about it in front of me. I couldn't blame him though, I wouldn't have wanted to talk about a personal issue in front of my boyfriend's best friend either.

So I watched them try to pretend as if everything was ok while they talked about their plans for the weekend. 

When they began pondering where they could go, I unconsciously tuned their voices out while my eyes wandered around the cafeteria and after a few seconds, I found who I was looking for. 

Because even in the dark I would always find Kylo.

I sat there in a trance as I watched him staring at his folded hands on the table in front of him with his face slightly hidden under his hood. 

But even though I couldn't see his face, I could still imagine what it looked like. I could imagine his black wavy hair framing his long pale face. I could imagine the cold in his dark brown eyes from shielding his emotions and the soft shadows casted around them from his lashes. I could imagine his nostrils slightly flaring as he inhaled deeply and held his breath. I could imagine his full lips trembling softly as he listened to Snoke giving orders or scolding him for whatever reason. 

I couldn't stop myself from staring at him. From wanting to be with him right now. From wanting to close the painful distance between us. 

I was so in awe by Kylo that my heart stopped when his eyes flicked upward into my direction causing my cheeks to flare with heat. 

Kylo, noticing that I had started blushing, tried to suppress a goofy grin. My lips parted and I felt my the corners of my mouth twitch into a soft smile. I felt strangely happy, even though we couldn't reveal our relationship, I felt _happy_. Happy that I found someone who cared for me, happy that, although he needed to be cold and have a dangerous aura around him, he couldn't help himself from smiling when he saw me.

Happy that everything seemed to work out just fine.

"Rey!" Finn announced staring at me with furrowed brows and eyes scanning my face.

"What's wrong?" I asked, wondering what the fuss was about.

"Poe and I wanted to know if you wanted to join us this Friday," Finn answered a bit agitated.

"We were planning on watching some movies at my place," Poe added calmly, his eyes wandering to Finn and then back to me.

"That sounds like.." I began, but was interrupted by my phone buzzing in my pocket. Looking at the screen I saw that Kylo sent me a text message.   
****

**Kylo** : _meet me under the bleachers after school_

I smiled like a moron at my phone and I didn't make any effort to hide it. 

"Rey? Are you going to join us or not?" Finn asked me. "Jesus, Rey, where's your head at?"

My eyes fixated at Finn and Poe as I answered, "Huh? Oh yeah, sure I'd love to join you." 

Finn sighed before turning around as if he were searching for someone.

"Uhm, _what_ will we be doing again?" I added, a bit embarrassed. I felt sorry that I wasn't really able to listen to both of them right now because my attention was elsewhere.

"Rey, did you listen to us at _all_?" Poe wondered raising his dark brows. 

"Well, I.." I began, but was interrupted by Finn. "Never mind, Poe, I get why Rey can't really concentrate."

"Why?"

"Yes, Finn, _why_?" I asked, trying to hint that he better not say a word about Kylo.

My best friend pointed his chin in the direction of where the First Order's table was. 

_Oh Finn, don't you dare_ , I thought angrily.

"Oh, I get it _now_ ," Poe chuckled.

_I can't believe it._

"Finn! You promised not to _tell_!" I hissed, hoping that he at least didn't tell anyone else besides Poe.

"Oh Rey, Finn didn't have to tell me _anything_ ," Poe added before Finn could say a thing. "I spend a lot of time with you, I could tell that you have a crush on Ren since we started hanging out."

I felt myself relax. Finn kept quiet. Poe didn't know that Kylo and I were a thing.

"Is it that obvious?" I mumbled.

"Only to people who you regularly hang out with, so don't worry, I don't think _he'll_ know."

"Ok, good. I'm glad to hear that," I exhaled.

 _Oh trust me_ , _he_ knows.

I was the first to leave the classroom when the bell rang.

Usually, I didn't care about leaving class in a hurry, but this time was different. This time I was going to meet Kylo before going home and I sure as hell didn't want to wait a another second before I could feel his strong arms wrap around my body and our lips find each other, setting every nerve in my body on fire. 

I just couldn't wait any longer. 

All weekend I had painfully missed him and the fact that I couldn't be near him in school was pure torture. I _wanted_ to be with him, I _wanted_ to spend every moment I had with him.

But we needed to be a secret, at least for now.

I walked as fast as I could to where we were going to meet, my heart pounding against my chest just by the thought of seeing him, talking to him, and by just being _near_ him again.

Inhaling the fresh air, I made my way down the steps leading from the entrance to the parking lot, but instead of walking straight ahead, I was going to turn around to slip behind the school building as soon as I reached the bottom of the stairs.

But before I could, I felt someone grab my left arm and spin me around.

"Jeez Poe, don't scare me like that!"

"I'm sorry, Rey, but I need to ask you something," my best friend's boyfriend muttered while still holding onto my arm.

"Yeah, sure, what is it?" I questioned, hopefully hiding the impatience in my voice. 

Poe turned his head both ways to check if someone was watching us before he led me behind the right side of the stairs. 

As he let go of me, he asked worriedly, "Is something going on with Finn?"

I felt my heart twist with empathy. I knew what was wrong with Finn, but it wasn't my place to tell Poe. 

"You see, I can tell when something is bothering him even though he's trying his best to hide it from me," he added frowning. "I just want to know what's going on," he whispered and I could clearly hear the hurt in his voice.

He was in pain because of how much he cared for Finn and seeing Finn hide something that was clearly bothering him, hurt Poe even more.

"Poe, I know that Finn cares for you and that you are so important to him," I began, "which is why it would be the best idea to go and ask him directly. I'm sure he will talk to you about it." I smiled reassuringly at him.

Poe sighed, lowering his eyes. "You're right. Thanks Rey," he said before leaving.

I waited a few seconds before I snuck past the building.

As soon as I sighted Kylo, I started pacing towards him, leaping into his arms as soon as I reached him.

"I'm sorry I'm late," I mumbled against his shoulder as he picked me up, spinning me around in his arms, "but I had to help a friend."

"It's ok," he chuckled in response as he placed me back down, setting a finger under my chin to raise my face to his. We looked into one another's eyes longingly before we couldn't stop our lips from wrapping around each other.

Our kiss was soft and sweet and I felt like I could stay like this forever. Just him and I, under the bleachers, sharing kisses with one another.

Moments passed before I felt his smile against my lips.

"Rey?" Kylo whispered breaking away from my lips while still holding me against his body. "What are your plans for this Friday?"

"Finn and Poe invited me to a movie night at Poe's. Why?"

Kylo planted his lips on my forehead while mumbling softly, "Do you think you can get out of it?"

"Well that depends.. Will I have something better to do?" I asked, pretending like I didn't know that he wanted me to come over.

"Does 'your boyfriend taking you out for dinner' sound like a reason to cancel?" he asked slyly.

My eyes glared into his and a grin spread across my face when I blurted out, "You want to go out? On a date? With me?"

"Well, that _was_ my plan," he laughed. "What do you say? Would you like to go on a date?"

"Of course!" I answered, probably a bit _too_ excited. I tried covering the heat rising to my cheeks from embarrassment, but Kylo had already beaten me to them by caressing my right cheek while kissing the other, only to cause them to burn an even brighter shade of red.

"I'll pick you up at 7 p.m. on Friday, ok?"

"Ok," I answered pulling him into one last kiss before we had to go our separate ways.


	21. Anxious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something was different about Ren today. 
> 
> He seemed more annoyed than usual. 
> 
> And slightly _anxious_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers,  
> it took me a while to update due to what is happening in the States, and to be honest it has been taking a toll on my mental health. No person should be more likely to die because of their skin color. No one.  
> No one should be discriminated because of how they look, their beliefs or their sexual orientation. We are all humans, we are all flesh and bones, and we all have dreams.  
> I know that I am privileged and I have never experienced any kind of discrimination because of my skin color, but being privileged does not mean that I do not mourn the losses of all of these lives lost due to this injustice and it doesn't mean that I am not enraged.  
> I am very enraged, which is why I am trying to do my best to help.  
> If you want to help, please spread the word, sign petitions, donate if you can and most importantly: don't stay silent when this topic is not trending anymore. Racial injustice is real and we can only fight it by being actively anti-racist and spreading the word.  
> Let's fight this together. 
> 
> Now I know that this topic was a little heavy, so I hope that this update can be a little uplifting. :)

Kylo

I had about five hours until I had to be at Rey's doorstep. That meant I had about four hours to get ready. 

Which was plenty of time for me.

All week, I had been thinking about what to wear for our date and what to do with my hair, so I wouldn't have to do that last minute and look like a total mess in front of Rey. Even though we were already dating, I still wanted to look nice for her.

I took my black dress shirt and black pants out of my dresser and set them on my bed, nervously running my hand through my hair as I inspected my clothes for loose threads or a tear in the fabric. 

On Monday, once I had gotten home, I made a reservation at _Kanata_ , a very classy, romantic restaurant in a town outside Jakku called "Takodana", for Rey and me. It was going to be our first official date, so I wasn't going to plan on taking her to a place in Jakku.

And anyways, it would be unlikely for any of Snoke's spies to spot us in Takodana.

Tonight was going to be perfect. I was going on a date with a girl I really cared for, to a fancy restaurant, I had all the time I needed and nothing was going to get in my way.

Nothing except a call from Snoke.

I hesitated to answer my phone as it rung, but decided to pick up thinking to myself that maybe Snoke wanted to make plans for another day, _any_ day but today. 

" _Kylo_ ," he begun before I could say anything, " _Hux should be there in a few minutes. I need both of you to get_ _something done for me_."

"What? Snoke, I told you that I didn't have time," I protested. I didn't know what he had in mind, but I knew I wasn't going to like it.

I knew it was going to take up a lot of my time.

" _I don't care if you are available or not!"_ Snoke spat on the other end of the line. " _You swore that your priorities will always lie with the First Order. May I need to remind you of that?"_

I swallowed down the sour taste in my mouth. I _had_ sworn to always be faithful to the First Order, to my home. 

But that was _before_ I met Rey. 

With Rey, I didn't feel broken anymore, I didn't feel the pain that had been always tearing me apart anymore. 

I didn't feel _alone_ anymore.

But would it be right to turn my back on Snoke now? Would it be _smart_? 

I would be risking far too much if I were to betray him now and I wouldn't want to risk losing Rey because of a stupid mistake I made.

"What do you want me to do?" I muttered defeated.

" _Hux will tell you once he's there_ ," he answered abruptly before hanging up.

I let out a huge sigh. 

_I hope I can get this done in time_.

Rey

"Finn, I don't know about this. Isn't this a bit _too_ overdressed?" I asked Finn while putting on another one of my mother's dresses. 

I had no idea what to wear on my date with Kylo. I had never been on a date before and all I knew about dates were from the movies. But in the movies they made everything look so easy. The girl knew how to dress right away and her date was always wowed by the way she looked as soon as he saw her.

But I had nothing proper to wear for a date, maybe for chilling out, but _definitively_ not a _date_ with Kylo. 

Kylo would never be wowed by me.

And that was why I had asked Finn to come over to help me get ready. 

"Are you _sure_ he didn't tell you where you were going tonight?" Finn questioned.

"Yes, Finn, I am pretty sure he didn't tell me. He didn't even give me a hint," I moaned as I presented myself in a silver dress that showed way too much cleavage, not like I had a lot to show-off anyway, but it still made me feel uncomfortable.

Finn shook his head, "No, that's not it either." He rested his chin on his fist as he began to think some more.

I sighed as I slipped out of the dress and hung it over my chair, placing it on top of the other failed dress options.

"Maybe Kylo and I are just going out for a pizza or a burger," I speculated putting on my leggings and a sweater, "I mean, wouldn't he tell me if I had to dress up? That's at least what every other guy would do."

"Yeah, but Ren isn't any other guy now, is he?" Finn implied, now shutting his eyes to concentrate. "He seems to be full of surprises," he added muttering, rubbing his temples.

I took a look at myself in the mirror, picturing myself in one of those fancy dresses again, frowning at the memory. I hadn't felt like myself in those clothes, that hadn't been my style at all. As much as I wanted to look beautiful, I wanted my look to stay true to myself. 

"Why can't there be a compromise between being elegant and casual?" I wondered aloud.

"That's _it_!" Finn announced behind me jumping up from my bed.

" _What's_ it?" I asked him, turning around to face him with my brows raised in confusion.

"How much time do you have?"

I checked the time on my phone answering, "Kylo's picking me up at seven, so about four to five hours. Why?"

" _We_ are going to the mall," Finn smirked grabbing my hand as he dragged me out of my room. "We need to get you an outfit for your date."

Hux

Something was different about Ren today. He seemed more annoyed than usual. And slightly _anxious_.

He kept on tapping his fingers against the steering wheel while driving us to the abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Jakku to meet up with the Kanjiklub. 

Snoke had told me to fetch Ren before heading to our meeting with the Kanjiklub gang because apparently they owed him a lot of money and he needed Kylo to scare them into giving us back Snoke's money.

It's not like I couldn't be as intimidating as Ren, I would've gone myself, I just didn't want to disobey Snoke's orders and if there was a chance of him finding out that I hadn't fetched Kylo, I would probably be severely punished.

And I didn't want to get on Snoke's bad side at all. After all, I still wanted to be next in command. 

"What is it that Snoke wants us to do again?", Ren asked checking his phone as he parked in front of the warehouse.

"He told me that the Kanjiklub owed him money for a deal they had bargained a few weeks ago and that we needed to get the money out of them," I answered eyeing him carefully as he looked at the screen of his phone again before getting out of the car.

The warehouse was cold and dark and the windows had been bared with wood only letting some rays of light escape the cracks. Every now and then we would hear rats scurrying through the hall as we waited for the others.

We waited for while. Five minutes slowly turned to thirty minutes and thirty minutes to an hour. I didn't like that _we_ , the _First Order_ , had to wait an _hour_ for that filth to come and meet us even though _they_ had _our_ money. 

I sensed that Ren was growing impatient because he started pacing back and forth as he checked his phone every five minutes. It was strange, the way he stared at his mobile, as if he was nervous about something, as if he had to _be_ somewhere.

"Where are they?" Kylo asked between gritted teeth. 

"Do you believe I would've let you drive us here to arrive at four only to wait for them for an hour if I _knew_?" I spat back turning around to face him properly. 

Ren strode my way to stand directly in front of me, his eyes shining dangerously as he warned, " _Watch_ your mouth, Hux. You wouldn't want to lose some of those straight white teeth now, would you?"

I swallowed hard preparing myself for a clever remark, but before I could both of us heard several footsteps making their way to us. 

There they were, the filth who called themselves "Kanjiklub". Each of them looked barbaric in their own kind of way. Missing teeth, unibrows, ripped clothing, dirt smeared across their faces, you name it.

They were pathetic to even look at.

Ren stepped away from me, crossing his arms in front of his chest and his gaze wandered slowly across each of their filthy faces.

I straightened myself, raising my chin, with my hands behind my back before I announced, "You are late."

"Maybe you are just early, Huggs," the filthiest of them answered. He was probably the only one who could actually speak in a somewhat grammatically correct order, making him the leader of the bunch.

I let myself chuckle before I continued, "Now, let's cut to the chase. We both know why Snoke wanted us to meet. Now just give us the money you owe him." I held out my right hand for them to place the cash on.

The other group only laughed, " _We_ should give _you_ money? You must be joking!"

I glared at them wide-eyed. Confusion seemed to be very visible in my face because the leader mentioned, " _He_ is the one who owes _us_ money, not the other way around."

They were lying. Snoke would never lie to me. Never. 

"Now, let's talk payment," he sneered stepping closer flashing his crooked teeth. "Where's our money, Ginger?"

"You'll get your money back," Kylo growled, stepping closer to the Kanjiklub leader. "We'll see to _that_."

He eyed Kylo for a while, taking a few steps back before he answered, "Fine. You have one week. And you _better_ have it then, _or else_."

"Or _what_? You want to fight us?" Kylo challenged them sneering. "Do you think you can actually _beat_ us?"

The leader laughed cockily, "I guess we'll have to wait to see."

"Same place, Same time," Ren told him with a smug smile on his face.

As we made our way to Snoke, I couldn't seem to get one part out of my head.

_Or else._

What did he think he was going to do when we didn't get his money back? And who did he think he was telling us that we were wrong, that Snoke gave us false orders? 

_Pathetic pack_ , I laughed to myself. 

_There is no way I'm going to face them again._

Kylo halted in front of Snoke's place. As I got out of the car, I noticed that he was still seated in the driver's seat.

"Aren't you coming?"

"No, you go tell him what happened with the Kanjiklub," he ordered.

"Excuse me!? Who do you think you are? Giving _me_ ord-," but before I could even finish my thought Kylo slammed the door shut and drove off, leaving me to bring the bad news to our leader.

I walked to the front door taking deep breaths to steady my nerves. I wasn't looking forward to breaking the news to Snoke. He hated it when Ren failed his orders. But even though Kylo was the one to fail, I was the one to blame, I was always the one who was punished for the mess _he_ created.

And I was sick of it, I wanted Ren to pay for everything.

But how? It wasn't like he had someone who was close to him or who was important to him. He left his past life in Chandrila, everyone who was close to him was there.

He had no one, he only had the First Order.

And that made it harder for me to come up with a way to get back at him.

But I would. 

There was no doubt about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here's](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/) where you can help.


	22. Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Then what made you help me?"
> 
> Kylo relaxed his fists and placed his hands on the table. His dark eyes searched my face before answering, "You were the first one who made me feel again."

Rey

I examined myself one last time before heading downstairs to wait for Kylo.

My outfit was just what I needed it to be. It was casual, yet elegant.

It was perfect.

I wore a white silk top with a lace neckline that I tucked into black skinny jeans, a dark gray cardigan with three-quarter sleeves and a small dark brown bag, hanging from my right shoulder to my left waist. I covered my face with a bit more makeup than usual, using a more visible shade of mascara and applying a subtle color to my lips. My brown hair slightly fell over my shoulders with two strands tied together in the back.

I smiled at myself with my heart pounding in my chest. I was excited, but also very nervous. My nerves began to tingle uncomfortably as I began to ponder what could go wrong. 

_What if he's late? What if he forgot? Or what if he changed his mind about me and I did all of this for nothing?_

_What if Snoke found out?_

My stomach lurched at the thought of Snoke and I felt almost as if I had to double over due to my anxiety and my fear. 

_Maybe I should cancel. Tell him that I'm not feeling well,_ I thought pacing around in my room _._

_But I've been looking forward to today all week. Should I really let my anxiety get the best of me?_

Yet before I could come to a conclusion my attention was caught by two voices coming from downstairs.

Two muffled, yet very familiar voices.

I concentrated hard on trying to figure out who they belonged to. One of them was definitely my mother. I became an expert in recognizing her voice no matter how loud a place could be or how far away she was, which was why it wasn't so hard to figure out that she was one of the voices talking to the other. But _who_ was my mother talking to? No one ever came over after 7 p.m. except Finn, but Finn had a date with Poe and I had a date with...

" _Shit!_ " I cursed as I slipped into my dark brown ankle boots while stumbling out of my room.

_Why did he come inside? Didn't we say that we were going to keep our relationship a secret? What if my mom hates him? What if she won't allow me to see him or go out with_ _him?_

I stopped in my tracks as soon as I saw him. All my thoughts and worries from before had just vanished.

He was as gorgeous as ever. 

His dark hair seemed to be tamed for tonight, framing his beautiful long face in a way that made him look like a storybook prince. Instead of a black sweater or hoodie Kylo wore a black dress shirt with black pants and same colored dress shoes. 

I smiled at the thought that he made some effort in dressing nicely for tonight.

My mother stood in front of him, a faint smile painted her lips when she slowly pulled away her outstretched hand from his. 

"Would you like anything to drink while waiting for Rey?" she asked him, turning around, yet stopping once she saw me standing in the middle of the staircase. Her grin widened and Kylo's gaze followed my mother's to me. Our eyes met sending shivers through my body at the intense glow in his eyes while a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

I made my way down the few steps I had left to get to Kylo, my heart pounding harder with each step I took.

"Hi," I spoke in merely a whisper.

"Hey," he answered, color rising to his cheeks. "You look beautiful."

I felt my own cheeks glow and I lowered my gaze to the floor, hoping that that would somehow keep my heart from almost jumping out of my chest. 

"Thank you. You look very handsome," I tried to compliment as well, not knowing if I was doing it right.

It seemed so because he chuckled in response while softly wrapping his hand around mine. 

"Shall we?"

I nodded before turning to my mom, "I'll be back at ten, ok?"

She smiled, looking at Kylo and then to me. "Eleven is also fine."

I mouthed a 'thank you' as I shut the front door behind us.

"So, where are we going?" I asked him as we made our way to his parked car, our fingers still intertwined.

In a swift move, Kylo pulled my body to his. His free hand resting on my cheek while he stared softly, yet with a twist of awe into my eyes. He carefully inched his lips closer to my lips, brushing the tip of his mouth against mine while closing his eyes before our lips tasted each other again. I felt myself relax against him, embracing the feeling of belonging, embracing the familiar hot feeling I always got whenever we touched. 

Embracing him.

"You'll see," he uttered tearing his lips from mine before opening the door to the passenger's seat for me to hop in.

Poe

Finn had been awfully quiet since Monday and even though he had told me it was "nothing" I could still tell that _something_ was bothering him. 

I mean, we had been dating for over a month now, I could tell if something was up.

But he still tried pushing me away whenever I asked him what was wrong, as if he was afraid of my reaction.

Yet that didn't let me think that I was going to let this go. I loved Finn and I wanted him to know that, even if it meant getting on his nerves by asking him the same question over and over again until he finally would admit what the problem was.

"Finn?" I reached my hand over to place it above his while we sat on my bed. 

He stared blankly at my TV screen, his eyes watching the moving pictures but his mind not capturing them. 

"Finn, I _know_ something is bothering you. I have known since Monday. And I _know_ that I have been annoying you by asking you what's going on, but I just can't help it. You're important to me and I worry about you," I told him, squeezing his hand hoping that he would finally budge. 

But he didn't. 

"Finn? Are you even listening to me?" I felt something boil inside my chest. I couldn't believe what he was doing. I told him that he was important to me, that I was worried about him, but he chose to _ignore_ me? To push me away? Again?

I snatched my hand away from his, standing up.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Finn?! You have been pushing me away all week and I don't know why! All I'm trying to do is help you, but you don't even seem to care that there is someone who gives a damn about you!" I yelled, my emotions stirring inside me. 

Finally, he managed to take a glance at me, but his face was still wiped from all emotions.

I felt something inside me shatter into a million pieces. The air around me felt thick and I felt as if I couldn't breathe as tears began to claw their way into my eyes causing a bitter taste to settle itself in my mouth.

"But you don't even seem to care that I love you," I muttered pulling myself together with all the strength I had left.

After that, everything felt like a blur. Finn shot up from the bed, pressing his body against mine as he wrapped his lips around mine while cradling my face with his hands. He nudged my mouth open with his tongue while I let my hands wander to his back, pulling him even closer to me.

Part of me was still furious with him. I wanted to cry and shout at him, but somehow, I was also relieved that he _did_ feel something for me.

That I was somehow important to him after all.

I tried deepening the kiss, but Finn's lips tore away from mine to make its way down my neck, sending stinging impulses whenever he touched my bare skin. 

I bit my lip trying to stifle moans as Finn softly sucked at my neck while my hands clawed at his back, wanting him to stop but also continue. 

He raised his lips back to mine as we slowly made our way to my bed. With each step, we tore pieces of clothing off one another, trying to free each other from the heat boiling inside our hearts, until both of us were in our boxers. 

I gingerly lay down in my bed as Finn crawled on top of me locking my hips between his thighs as he began to plant hot kisses onto my upper body while his hands slid from my chest to the hem of my shorts. 

My heart started beating wildly and I felt myself swallow hard. My senses seemed to have waken up once I realized what was going to happen. 

It was not that I didn't want to have sex with Finn.

It was that I was nervous about it.

But all those senses simply washed away when Finn slowly ran his finger along the hem of my boxers before he tenderly pulled them off, following his own actions by doing the same, never breaking from our kiss.

I grabbed onto him before we took it anything further, a notion to question if he really was ready. 

And he was.

Finn turned me around gently holding on to my hips as he carefully guided his member inside me forcing me to gasp at the sensation.

I dug my fingers deeper into my sheets with every thrust of his body against mine, moans escaping my mouth unable to be contained anymore. I felt his nails clawing at my hips as he quickened his pace before I felt him release himself with a small grunt coming from his mouth causing my own release to come sooner than expected.

Everything was silent except for our heavy breathing afterwards as he rested his head on my chest with my arms wrapped around his body.

"I love you too," he spoke breaking the silence.

I pulled him closer to me kissing his forehead while mumbling, "I know."

Rey

After driving past the "Have a safe trip" sign of Jakku, we drove about forty minutes until we reached a new one. 

_Welcome to Takodana_ , I read, staring outside the window to notice the contrast between the expensive and fancy looking buildings and the green fields surrounding them.

_It's so big... and beautiful._

I was so baffled by how Takodana was so much different than Jakku that I hadn't even noticed that Kylo parked the car.

My eyes caught the bright sign hanging above the entrance of one of those expensive looking buildings. 

_Kanata_.

Kylo stepped out of the car to open the door for me, helping me out by holding onto my hand as I hopped out of my seat. 

"What is this place?" I asked in awe as we walked hand-in-hand passing a huge line of chic and elegant people to a tall, muscular man in a dark suit eyeing his phone every now and then.

"This is where we are going on our first date," he whispered into my ear. "You didn't think I was going to take you to one of those lousy restaurants in Jakku now, did you?" he laughed before turning to the doorman. "Good evening, I made a reservation for two. It should be under the name 'Ren'." 

The way his voice changed when he spoke to the doorman was so different from how it usually was when talking to others. He spoke in a cool and polite yet also superior tone and for some reason it seemed to me as if he had done this several times before, or maybe even been with someone who often did this.

It seemed kind of natural for him.

The large man suspiciously eyed Kylo before checking his phone again. My heart nervously pumped when I checked on Kylo, wondering if he was as nervous as I was but his face remained the same, showing no sign of doubt or fear that anything could go wrong. The doorman painted a smile on his face adding, "Right this way, sir."

We followed him into a large room with a statue of a woman with huge glasses placed at the center. Everything and everyone around us looked so classy and beautiful I couldn't grasp the idea that he had taken me to this place, that he would even come up with the idea to take _me_ here, a girl who had never set foot outside of Jakku.

A girl who never dressed up like _this_.

The sharply dressed man left us with a nod as soon as we arrived at our table. The table was dressed in a white table cloth with a silver candleholder in the middle and many sets of silverware on each side of the table. 

A knot of fear twisted inside my stomach. I didn't know when to use which set of silverware. That wasn't something one's parents taught you when growing up. 

_I am going to completely embarrass myself, aren't I?_

A thought struck my mind: _Maybe Kylo doesn't know either. Maybe this is as new to him as it is to me._

I felt my breath calm my fear before I decided to take a seat. 

Kylo noticed me moving towards one of the chairs and followed me, pulling the seat from the table for me to sit down.

My face began to heat up as he placed his hands on my shoulders to give me a soft peck on the cheek before making his way to the seat across the table.

A waiter soon came rushing to us, lighting the candle between us, handing us menus and filling one of our many glasses with water while reviewing their specials for tonight. 

Kylo nodded, thanking him before he left for another table.

I stared at the menu. There were so many dishes to decide from and I couldn't pick a single one. 

"Do you recommend something?" I asked nervously, hoping that he would be able to help me choose _something_.

He let out a chuckle, "Why? Are you having trouble deciding what you want?"

I felt the heat rise into my cheeks again and I tried hiding my face behind the menu so that Kylo would never see how embarrassed I was.

"I could order for us, if you like," he suggested and it felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

"That would be great. Thank you," I admitted looking up from my menu to see him staring at me, a sparkle clearly visible in his dark eyes and a small smile on his lips.

No one had ever looked at me the way he did.

And I felt so lucky.

"What made you have the idea to come here on our first date?" I asked Kylo, nervously fumbling around with my fingers under the table.

Though before he could answer, the waiter arrived with our plates setting them in front of each of us. 

I looked at the different forks and knives next to my plate, wondering why I would need so many utensils for one meal and which one I should use. I dared myself to peek at Kylo only to see him taking his napkin and placing it on his lap and noticing the way his arms didn't touch the table when he picked up the silverware that was placed furthest from his plate to cut his food.

_How does he know how to act in a fancy restaurant?_ I wondered. _Do all First Order members have to know proper_ _table manners?_

Quickly, I did the same so I wouldn't make a fool out of myself and embarrass him in front of all these people.

"I wanted to take you somewhere nice," he answered while I remembered what I had asked him in the first place, "And because Jakku only has maybe one or two Italian restaurants and a diner, I thought about taking you here."

My heart fluttered at his words and at the fact that Kylo wanted this date to be special. But him mentioning the diner brought up the memory of him being there for me when I was drugged and it brought up another question I never dared to ask before.

"How did you know what to do?" I blurted out without thinking about adding what I had exactly meant.

Kylo furrowed his brows in confusion and a smile lingered on the tip of his lips, "Do you mean how I knew who to call to get the reservation or how I knew that I had to make a reservation?"

"I'm sorry, you mentioned the diner in Jakku and I had to think about why we were there," I tried to explain, "I actually meant how did you know what to do with _me_? You know, after I was drugged and all.."

Kylo pressed his lips into a thin line when he averted his eyes from mine. His jaw started working and his nose flared in a way it always did whenever he was listening to Snoke.

"I knew what to do because it wasn't the first time Snoke drugged someone without them noticing," he muttered flicking his stare from his plate back to my eyes. 

And there it was again, the pain in his eyes. 

There was more to all of this. Kylo probably knew that Snoke had drugged many people before, but something told me that there was one person who meant something to Kylo. One person who Snoke harmed and Kylo could never forget about it.

"Who?" I uttered frightened of what I was about to hear. 

_Was it an ex-girlfriend? Maybe that's also why Kylo doesn't want the First Order to find out about us_.

"It was shortly after I joined the First Order," he mumbled staring down at his plate again, his hands gripping his fork and knife, "I went to a party with Snoke and Hux at some guy's apartment and I remember getting pretty drunk, but not too drunk that I occasionally blacked out. I was having a pretty good time until Snoke gave me a cup with his 'special mixture', as he called it. I didn't even wonder what was so 'special' about it because I trusted him, so I just drank the liquid.

"And that was when I regretted trusting him. I don't remember a whole lot about that night, but I do remember believing that I was going to die and that Snoke and Hux had their fun by watching me panic and hyperventilate, almost choking on the air I forced into my body.

"No one was there to help me. Not even my friends," Kylo finished, his fists shaking violently. 

I could feel his anger. I could feel the fear he must've had when he was all alone, trying to fight the hallucinations.

I felt his pain.

"Why not help others?" I voiced.

"I started growing careless towards his actions and who he harmed. I didn't _feel_ anything anymore, only anger. I asked myself why I should help others, when no one was there for me. So I turned my back and completely ignored Snoke's plans unless I was a part of them."

"Then what made you help me?"

Kylo relaxed his fists and placed his hands on the table. His dark eyes searched my face before answering, "You were the first one who made me _feel_ again. In that moment when I found out that that drink was for you, I began doubting his actions, I began _feeling_ that what he was doing was wrong."

I silently gasped. I had an impact on him. On Kylo, who had shut out his feelings towards everyone else. On Kylo, who never turned his back on Snoke or Hux.

My hand reached to his to rest on top of his.

And he had an impact on me.


	23. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had been a complete jerk to him and he still cared about me. He still _loved_ me.
> 
> And I felt _guilty_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a bit longer with updating! Life was being extra stressful lately and I couldn't find the time to update.  
> I hope you all are safe and healthy and will stay that way! I know what's going on right now is scary and anxiety-inducing, so I hope that reading this story will help and take your minds off of what is happening in the world right now. :)

Finn

_I had sex with Poe Dameron. Me. With Poe. My boyfriend. Poe Dameron._

I was lying on my bed, hands behind my head as I stared at the ceiling. I still couldn't grasp the fact that Poe and I slept with each other, even though it happened the night before. 

Maybe I couldn't believe it because it was my first time. First times were always special and worth remembering, weren't they? 

But why did I have this bitter feeling in my gut? Why was I thrilled _and_ sad at the same time?

Why did I feel guilty?

I had pushed him away all week because I didn't want him to find out that I was probably _never_ going to tell my parents that I was gay, I had been a complete jerk to him and he still cared about me. He still _loved_ me.

And I felt _guilty_. 

But I didn't know _why_. 

It wasn't that I didn't love Poe because _I did_ , but maybe the circumstances should've been different. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed him away like I had. Maybe we shouldn't have had an argument before. 

Maybe I should've told him that I loved him _before_ having sex with him.

Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have felt guilty if everything had gone differently, if everything had been more _romantic_.

Then again, what if I had decided to tell him about not coming out to my parents? Would he have told me that he loved me? Would I have told him? Would we have taken the next step? 

I shut my eyes, groaning because of the massive headache I got from overthinking. 

_What if I don't need to feel guilty at all? Maybe it was meant to happen this way_ , I thought covering my face with my hands. But although I told myself that I had nothing to feel bad about, I still felt so _unsure_. I could only imagine what Poe felt like, and thinking of the way I treated him made me feel like shit.

"Was it really meant to be this way?" I quickly uncovered my face to snatch my phone. 

Rey answered after one ring.

 _"Hey what's up? How was your movie night with Poe?"_ she asked.

"Great," I felt as if I were lying. Was I? The evening wasn't _great_ , but it wasn't horrible either. "How was your date?"

 _"It was wonderful, Finn,"_ she let out a huge heartfelt sigh. _"He took me to 'Katana', a fancy restaurant in Takodana and we talked a lot about so many different things. Kylo was such a gentleman. He held doors open for me, pushed my chair in, told me I looked beautiful. He even payed the bill, even though I insisted on paying at least my half,"_ Rey told me dreamily, _"Did I mention he even introduced himself to my mom? Isn't that sweet?"_

My heart leaped for Rey's happiness. I was so glad that she had such a great first date. I felt that she had been worried and anxious when I had left her after she had gotten ready. I knew that she had feared that something bad would happen, that they would have to cancel their date, or that he might bail on her.

But everything seemed to work out fine.

 _"Finn, now tell me what's going on. And don't try to lie to me, you know I can tell when something is wrong with you,"_ she said matter-of-factly.

I knew there was no way to avoid telling her, so I just spit out the truth, "Poe and I had sex last night."

There was a moment of silence and I feared that her phone died or I accidentally hung up on her, but I hadn't.

 _"Woah, that was not what I expected. Well, how was it?"_ she asked, a bit uncomfortable. _"I'm sorry Finn, I don't quite know what to ask after your best friend tells you that he had his first time. I'm proud of you, is that ok? No, I sound like some kind of parent... I'm glad you had sexual intercourse with your boyfriend, I really am! I'm not really good at this,"_ she sighed, adding sincerely, _"I'm happy for you."_

I let myself laugh softly at Rey's response. Somehow she always managed to make me smile, even when things looked dark.

"Thank you Rey, but the problem isn't that we had sex, it's that I feel guilty about how it happened," I told her.

_"What happened?"_

She knew that I had been distancing myself from Poe lately, so I didn't have to mention that to her again. So I began telling her that Poe had been trying to understand what had been going on with me the past week, and that he had gotten angry with me when I chose to ignore his help _again_. I explained to her that instead of settling the argument I had decided to ignore him, only making it worse until he told me that he loved me with tears in his eyes and agony in his voice.

"And then I took the first step by kissing him passionately and that ended with us sleeping with each other. And _after_ we were finished I told him that I loved him," I finished telling her about last night. I didn't want to go into detail what happened to Poe and me after he told me he loved me.

"Was it right for me to have sex with him after I pushed him away? After I hurt him like that?"

 _"Maybe it wasn't the most ideal way, but I kind of think that it was necessary. I mean, now Poe knows that you feel something for him, that you love him, even though you pushed him away like that. So, you don't really have to feel guilty about the way it lead to you two having sex. It's not like you just fucked him and left. You told him you loved him, you_ stayed _with him. And that means a lot to him. Trust me."_

I felt the weight being lifted off my shoulders. 

"Thank you Rey," I sighed.

 _"Anything for you,"_ she replied and I could hear the smile in her voice. _"Do you want to come over for breakfast or brunch tomorrow?"_

"I'll be there," I promised, "See you tomorrow."

_"Bye."_

I felt so much better after talking to Rey and the sting of guilt had begun to fade away.

 _If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, no matter what happens_ , I told myself sending my boyfriend a text.  
 ****

 **Me:** _Thank you for everything. I love you._


	24. Orders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to tell him that what he was doing was wrong, that he should just pay the sum he owes them and everything would be fine. 
> 
> But knowing Snoke, he would never do such a thing. 

Kylo

I was on my way to Snoke's, smiling like a freaking moron while my heart skipped beats just because of her. 

Our date went perfectly. Rey looked so breathtakingly beautiful and I would've never guessed that she could manage to take my breath away even more, but I had been proven wrong once she walked down the staircase to meet me at their entrance. The way her eyes had glistened when she admired Takodana's buildings and fields made me want to show her more cities, more places that I know she'll love. It was adorable the way she had watched me put my napkin on my lap and pick up my fork and knife only to do the same because she didn't want to embarrass herself. 

But when she had asked me how I knew how to help her when she was drugged, I had felt scared at first. I had been afraid that she somehow wouldn't understand why I had turned my back on everyone else and why she was different to me.

I had been afraid that she would never believe me that I _do_ feel again because of her.

But she understood everything. She didn't back away from me. She stayed. With me.

And I never believed that _anyone_ would ever want to be with me for who I am. 

But Rey did.

The corners of my mouth started to turn into a frown. 

_Rey knows_ Kylo, _the man I am now, but she doesn't know who I was before. Who I sometimes believe I still am._

I nervously bit my lip, parking my car in Snoke's driveway and turning off the engine. I leaned back in my seat, furrowing my brows in frustration. 

_Should I tell her about my past?_ I wondered as the images vividly crossed my mind. The pain, the loneliness, the gun in my hand pointed at my father, my dad placing a hand on my cheek before falling to his knees with blood oozing out of his fresh wound. Snoke gladly taking me in, giving me a new identity, a new shell to hide the broken kid inside. 

I shook my head gripping the steering-wheel, _No, she wouldn't understand. She would turn her back on me._

_She would leave me._

And that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want to lose Rey. 

Besides, it wasn't like she would somehow find out about my true identity.

I placed the bottle of schnapps on Snoke's coffee table next to a stack of cups while filling two cups with the liquid mixing it with an energy drink and handing Hux and Snoke each a drink before sitting down on the sofa, lighting up a cigarette. 

"Don't you want one as well?" Hux asked me raising his left brow as he cautiously examined his drink. 

"Nope," I mumbled with the cigarette in my mouth. I hadn't felt like drinking for a while now and I felt a lot better without getting wasted almost everyday. 

Snoke looked at me, a glint of anger and suspicion in his ice cold stare. I felt my muscles tense and fear knotting my throat shut. If Snoke thought I was acting suspicious then he would do _anything_ to find out why. And if he found out about Rey, then he would do _anything_ to harm her.

But I wasn't going to let that happen.

I tried to stay calm and act as if his glare didn't bother me so he wouldn't have another reason to suspect a thing. But the longer it took, the harder it got to act as if everything was normal. My palms started to sweat and my heart raced inside my chest as I tried to hold up the walls keeping me from letting my feelings be visible to others. 

And just before I felt one of my walls crumble Snoke turned his gaze away from me back to Hux.

"Hux told me about what happened on Friday, Ren," he announced.

"Friday?" I voiced. _He found out. He found out about the date._

"The meeting with Kanjiklub?" Hux pointed out, "Honestly Ren, I knew you weren't the brightest, but I doubted that you were that _stupid_ to forget." 

I clenched my fists, shooting Hux a venomous glare. I was so close to finally punching Hux, but knowing that he was Snoke's pet, I knew that I wouldn't get away with it unharmed.

"What about it?" I asked, still not tearing my gaze away from Hux.

"Well, I have made a decision," Snoke began, taking a gulp from his red cup, "Kylo, you will meet up with them on Friday and tell them that they won't get their money back."

I quickly turned my head towards Snoke in disbelief. "What?! Snoke, you owe them cash, why not just pay up?"

"Because no one dares order me to pay back _anything_!" he spat standing up.

I really wanted to tell him that what he was doing was wrong, that he should just pay the sum he owes them and everything would be fine. But knowing Snoke, he would never do such a thing. 

I swallowed down my pride, averting my gaze to the floor. "What time should Hux and I be there?"

Hux let out a nasty laugh, "Oh Ren, you're going alone."

"What?" But before I could protest, Snoke continued giving me orders as he poured some booze into a new cup, "You will meet up with them at the same time, at the same place on Friday. Tell them they have no right to give me orders."

I nodded, adding, "And if they insist on getting paid?"

"Then you will _show_ them never to ask for money from me again," Snoke sneered placing a hand on my shoulder while handing me the drink with his free hand.


	25. An Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought I had won, the majority had been on the floor injured and bleeding. 
> 
> But I had been wrong. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry I haven't updated this story in a long time but I was going through some things and I had no motivation.  
> But I am better now and I am going to try to update more regularly. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this double update and let me know what you think! :)

Rey

The week had gone by pretty quickly. Poe and Finn seemed to be fine again, secretive but fine and Kylo and I regularly met up after school either under the bleachers or at his car after everyone else had left. I began to understand how Poe and Finn felt like. Keeping your relationship a secret sucked, and as much as you wanted to shout how much you loved your significant other at the top of your lungs, you couldn't. You couldn't even hold their hand in public. 

Let alone be seen with them.

But Kylo and I tried to make the best out of our situation and so had Poe and Finn.

I stared at the clock, awaiting my freedom for the weekend. 

_15 more minutes_ , I smiled to myself as my nerves started tingling, _That means about twenty minutes until I can see Kylo_ _again_.

My leg started twitching nervously as I tried to get my mind off of seeing my boyfriend again, but without success. My eyes unconsciously watched the clock, the beating in my heart getting louder by the minute. 

"Miss Rey, are you with us?" my English teacher, Professor Threepio, asked, his patience hanging on a thread.

Sitting in the first row, I was glad I couldn't see the eyes of my classmates on me, but I sure _felt_ them.

I smiled awkwardly and responded, "I'm sorry, my thoughts were somewhere else. Could you please repeat what you said?" 

Professor Threepio sighed, "I said that I put you all in groups of two and each group has to present their projects in two weeks. Rey, your partner will be Greg." 

I turned around to look at Greg to see him smiling and giving me a small wave. He tried blowing a strand of light brown hair out of his gray eyes only for it to fall back and his small smile turned into a big crooked one. I felt the corners of my mouth twitch in response before turning my attention back to our professor who had handed out our group tasks before the bell rang, dismissing us.

"Rey," I heard someone call me among the it's-finally-weekend chaos.

Grabbing my bag I raised my eyes to the person calling my name. 

"Oh, hi Greg," I smiled, "You probably want to talk about who does what for our group project."

He laughed. His laugh sounded very low, but also very light. It sounded kind of open and happy. "Yeah, you got me." Greg put his hands up as if he was surrendering making me suppress a chuckle.

"Well, I think it's fair to say that each of us should research two of these topics on the sheet and then we'll meet up sometime next week to talk about our results, and hopefully put them together," I suggested.

"Sounds good," he nodded, "Let me give you my number before you head off, so we can talk about when we want to meet up next week." Greg tore out a tiny piece of paper, scribbling his number on it before handing it to me. When he left he looked as if he winked at me, but it was probably just a strand of hair caught in his eye. 

I looked at the clock again, shock causing my legs to move as fast as they could. Kylo was waiting for me.

Kylo sat in his car waiting for me and I saw through the window that he was biting his lip as he stared at the time on his phone. His eyes shot up and he quickly slid his phone back into his pocket as I opened the door and got inside.

"Hey, I'm so sorry for making you wait, but Threepio is making us do group projects and I had to talk to my partner about our tasks," I apologized as I tried to rummage my books in my bag. 

Kylo laughed, placing a hand on my cheek. I loved the way he laughed. The happiness in his laugh contrasted well with the darkness in his voice. "You're worth the wait." He pulled me into a kiss and his hand slid from my cheek into my hair. 

Our noses still touched as we pulled away from our shared kiss, staring into each other's eyes longingly. I brushed a strand of dark hair away from his face, whispering, "I should go get to Finn. He's probably waiting for me." I tried hard not to frown. I hated leaving Kylo.

He smirked, "I told him I'm bringing you home." 

I stared at him in disbelief, my eyebrows raised and a smile painted on my lips, "You talked to Finn?"

He nodded, his adorable goofy grin spread across his face. 

"And what made you think he knew about us? Maybe I decided to keep that secret just to me," I questioned, crossing my arms in a joking manner. 

"Rey, he's your _best friend_. I would've been surprised if you _hadn't_ told him," he responded, starting his car. 

_Kylo talked to Finn. One of the most important people in my life_ , I thought as I watched Kylo drive down the street, my heart fluttering for him. 

"So, who's your group partner?" Kylo asked starting up a conversation. 

"It's this guy, Greg," I answered not making a big deal out of it.

"Greg?" Kylo voiced, sounding strange, "This pale kid with longish brown hair and gray eyes?"

"Yes, why? You have something against longish hair?" I pointed at his black hair.

"No, it's just... It's nothing," he muttered, puffing his lips as he gripped his steering-wheel a bit tighter.

"Kylo? Are you..," but Kylo interrupted me before I could voice out my thoughts.

"Jealous? Me? No! Why would you say that?" he scoffed nervously. 

"Kylo?" I placed a hand on his shoulder.

"It's just that.. well, what I've heard of Greg, he seems to be _such_ a _great_ guy and all that and you're beautiful and a wonderful person and I'm afraid you'll fall for that guy and lose interest in me," Kylo muttered defeated.

"That won't happen," I reassured him, "I don't even _know_ him let alone _care_ for him."

"Didn't you feel that way about me as well?" Kylo asked, a clear sign of unease in the tone of his voice.

"With you it's _different_ , Kylo. I _did_ care about you, even if I didn't want to. But I _did_ and I always _will_."

He let out his breath, stopping in front of my house. Kylo placed his hand on top of mine, "I will also always care about you, Rey." I swiftly wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him towards me into a passionate kiss, feeling his hot breath against my lips in between kisses and his hands run from my shoulders down my back to rest on my lower back. A quiet moan escaped my lips as he held me tighter while his tongue grazed against mine. Kylo smirked as he pulled away and I bit my lip, trying to pull myself together not to lose control and crawl onto his lap and make out with him some more.

"I wanted to ask you something," he announced sort of out of breath.

"What is it?" I asked flustered.

Kylo sighed, "My birthday's on Saturday in two weeks and Snoke planned this whole party, so I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come? You can bring Finn and the other guy who always hangs out with you if you want to."

"I would love to come, but wouldn't it be suspicious if I showed up at your birthday party?" I asked.

"Well, you see, when Snoke plans a party, he invites a ton of people. I'm guessing that most of the seniors will be invited, so it wouldn't be strange if you showed up as well," Kylo explained, his dark eyes pleading for me to come.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek, "I'll be there." In a quick move, Kylo planted a kiss on my lips.

"Thank you," he whispered and I felt myself blush. "I'll call you later."

I waved him goodbye before entering my house.

I bit my lip as I rested my head against the front door. 

_He invited me to his birthday. My boyfriend wants me to be there._

I giggled and grinned like a goof.

_I just need a perfect present._

Kylo

I stood in the middle of the abandoned warehouse waiting for the Kanjiklub members. My hood covered most of my face, the shadows making me seem more intimidating than usual.

I hated Hux for getting Snoke to send me here alone. He was a fucking asshole, always afraid to get his slimy little hands dirty and I was the one who had to do his dirty work.

But I could manage. The Kanjiklub gang didn't look so tough the last time I saw them.

I heard steps approaching me and I raised my eyes to meet several others belonging to those of the Kanjiklub gang. 

"So, Kylo Ren, where is our money?" the leader, Tasu Leech, announced.

I let my gaze wander around each member, eyeing each opponent's weak spot. 

"You won't be getting your money back. Snoke isn't so thrilled about you giving him orders. He thinks it's disrespectful," I challenged.

"Disrespectful? _DISRESPECTFUL?!_ " Leech and his gang of idiots laughed loudly. " _You_ and your so-called 'Supreme Leader' need to learn a lesson or two." There were about six of them, dangerously stepping closer to me. 

Before one of us could let out a breath, the fight begun. 

It wasn't a fair fight, for _them_. They had outnumbered me, but I had far better fighting skills, due to Snoke's training, and the thrill of a fight always put more fuel to the flame. I dodged several punches while seeing opportunities to blow my own into some of their stupid faces, breaking their noses or temporarily blinding them for at least this fight.

One of the bigger members held onto the back of my collar trying to pull me to him, but I took a hold onto his arm instead, flinging him to the ground, twisting his arm until I heard a nasty crunch.

I thought I had won, the majority had been on the floor injured and bleeding. But I had been wrong. 

A swift figure came out of the shadows and managed to knock the breath out of me with one kick. 

_Leech_.

I stumbled a few steps back but I was still on my feet. I was still willing to fight. 

But before I could stand straight and give another blow had Leech stepped in front of me, a knife flashing brightly in his hand and I knew I was a goner. I could feel it.

"I wonder how Snoke would feel if we took something from _him_ ," he barked before lashing out with the knife.

I felt an unbearable, searing pain running above my right eye down to my right collar bone. I fell on my back and just lay there, out of breath. Tasu Leech kneeled above me raising his right fist to punch me and I was going to let him. I was so tired of fighting for Snoke, I was so tired of doing his shit for him.

I was tired and I wanted to give up.

 _I_ did _care about you, even if I didn't want to_. _But I_ did _and I always_ will.

 _Rey_.

She prevented me from giving up. 

She gave me _strength_.

I grabbed Leech's fist before it could come in contact with my face, breaking his nose with my other hand. He fell back, screaming in pain and I managed to escape the warehouse and slip into my car. 

The blood running into my right eye made it nearly impossible to see and the pain made it hard to concentrate on driving. But I had to keep on going. 

I had to get to somewhere safe.


	26. Scar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just don't think I'll be leaving Jakku," he shrugged as if it didn't matter.
> 
> But it did matter.
> 
> It mattered to me.

Rey

I had tried concentrating on my English task so I could definitely get it done before Kylo's birthday, but I couldn't stop wondering what to get him, what he would like to have, so I decided to call Finn, telling him about Kylo's birthday, and asking him if he could go to the mall with me the next day because I had no idea what a great present would be.

 _"Yeah of course! Do you mind if Poe tags along? Then he and I could also get a gift for your boyfriend,"_ Finn asked. 

"Yeah sure. I need all the help I can get," I admitted. Then a thought crossed my mind. Kylo knew that I had told Finn about our relationship, but did Finn tell Poe? He _did_ love him after all.. 

"Finn? Does Poe know about Kylo and me?" I asked nervously.

" _No! Rey_ , _I_ promised _to keep your secret a secret_ , even _from Poe_ ," he explained. 

I smiled, adding, "It's ok, you know, if you _do_ decide to tell him. He is your boyfriend and you shouldn't be keeping _too_ many secrets from him."

There was a moment of silence on the other line.

_"I love you Rey, do you know that?"_

I laughed, "I know."

 _"Well, Rey I'm going to hang up so you can continue working on your English project. I'll pick you up at around noon_ _tomorrow. See you then,"_ Finn said hanging up.

I sat at my desk, researching how much the English language has changed from the earliest known records of English to the language as we know it today, yet before I could find an accurate website concerning the topic, I heard our doorbell ring. Sighing, I made my way downstairs thinking that my mom forgot her keys again.

I opened the front door, expecting to see my mom, but instead my body froze with shock and I felt my gut twist nastily at the sight in front of me. 

I hadn't expected Kylo to stand at my door, and I definitely hadn't expected him to stand at my door _bleeding_.

Blood was dripping down Kylo's face from a huge gash on the right side of his face. His brown eyes showed clear signs of exhaustion and his face was paler than usual. His wavy black hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat and he held onto the doorframe breathing heavily. "Rey," Kylo managed to say in barely a whisper and I feared that he was going to collapse in front of me.

I put one of his arms around me as I tried to help him inside, bringing him to kitchen counter. He took a seat, leaning back, his eyes half-closed as he tried to steady his breathing.

I quickly ran into the bathroom and grabbed a towel, soaking it in cool water. I sped back into the kitchen and gently placed the towel over his wound, my hand visibly shaking. Kylo averted his gaze away from me, knowing what I was about to ask him.

"What happened? Who did this to you?"

He took a deep breath, still looking away from me, "Don't worry about it. It's nothing."

" _Kylo, somebody clearly cut you! You are hurt and you're_ bleeding! _Now who was it?!"_ I fumed. I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at whoever hurt him. I could feel the anger burn in my body and mixing with fear, creating a dangerous concoction. 

"I'm _fine_ , Rey," he lied and I sure as hell wasn't going to buy it. 

"You are _not fine_. You _almost fainted_ , you are _completely exhausted_ , _and_ you look paler than _usual_. So _trust me_ , you are in _no way fine_ ," I stressed. "So tell me, _what_ happened?"

Kylo didn't dare look at me as he chose not to answer, regretfully biting the inside of his lip.

I handed him the towel. "Just explain it to me on the way," I told him, swiftly reaching into his back pocket to retrieve his car keys. 

"Where to?" he asked confused as I grabbed his hand, pulling him with all my strength. 

" _I_ am bringing you to the hospital. That cut is too deep to heal on its own let alone stop bleeding in the next hour or so," I explained in an agitated tone. Yet Kylo still resisted, pulling me back. Spinning around to face him, I added, " _Don't_ even _try_ to protest, Kylo. I care too much about you to let you do this to yourself. So you will do as I say. _You_ will get into your car, _you_ will tell me how _that_ happened," I pointed at the bloody gash splitting his face, "and _we_ will go to the hospital. Understood?" 

I felt myself shoot Kylo a dangerous glare and he finally surrendered, following me to the car and getting into the passenger's seat.

I got behind the wheel, starting the motor and driving off as fast as I could, completely ignoring the speed limit. I didn't give a shit about my driver's license right now. Getting Kylo to the hospital was _far_ more important than a little card allowing me to legally drive.

"Now tell me what happened."

Kylo told me about the meeting he had had with the Kanjiklub last week and finding out that Snoke owed _them_ money and not the other way around. Then he said that Snoke had given him orders to meet up with the Kanjiklub alone this Friday because Hux had managed to weasel his way out of the whole situation causing me to curse loudly. Kylo proceeded to tell me about the fight that had occurred between him and six members of the other gang, mentioning that he had pretty good chances of beating them and that he _would've_ beaten them, hadn't their leader hit him out of nowhere and pulled a knife on him.

I felt my anger rising with every word. God, I thought I hated the First Order before, but this was a whole new level of hate. 

"Why didn't you just tell Snoke to go himself? I mean, clearly you knew that you were going to have to fight them off," I asked, racing down the streets like a maniac. I tried not to get too furious at Snoke because I didn't want us to get into an accident. Just because I drove _fast_ didn't mean I didn't drive _safe_.

"You wouldn't understand," he mumbled turning his face away from me.

"Then help me understand," I suggested. "You won't know if you don't try to explain it to me."

"Just drop it, Rey!" Kylo snapped causing my mouth to taste sour. It had been the first time Kylo had gotten angry in my presence and I didn't like seeing him this way. Yet even though he was angry, I could sense the fear hidden under all of that rage. 

But what was he afraid of? Was he afraid of this whole situation? Or was he hiding something from me? Something that the First Order knew about?

Kylo noticed that he had gotten too loud and apologized, "I'm sorry," he placed his hand on my thigh, "I just don't want to drag you into this mess."

"I think you dragged me into this when we first kissed," I tried to joke, resting my hand on top of his.

"Yeah, probably," he mumbled to himself.

We stormed into the ER and I quickly came up with a clever lie as to why my boyfriend had a deep cut on his face. 

"My boyfriend got into a bike accident and drove straight into a wired fence! I think he'll need stitches," I explained panicking. The tale I told was fake, but my fear was real.

The lady at the desk tried calming me down by telling me that the doctor would see him as soon as possible as she handed me a pen and a clipboard with a form Kylo would have to fill out.

I took a seat next to Kylo and he held out his hand for the clipboard. 

"You just keep on putting pressure to the wound, let me fill out this form for you," I instructed as I began asking him the questions on the sheet while filling them out.

A few minutes after I handed the form back to the nurse at the front desk, a doctor came into the waiting room demanding for Kylo to follow him.

I stood up with Kylo, ready to follow him to the examination room, but before I could go any further, the doctor pointed out, "It would be better if you stayed here, ma'am."

"No, I don't care if it 'would be best' if I stayed in this badly lit, strange-smelling waiting room. _I'm_ coming with _him_. I bet you can still manage to do your job when I'm in the same room with you!" I snapped fiercely, shooting daggers at the male doctor standing in front of me.

At first I was afraid that he wouldn't help Kylo, but after a few moments hesitation he chuckled, "Whoa, she sure is a feisty one."

Kylo turned to face me, his eyes glistening with a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips, "Yeah, she sure is."

Kylo sat on a cot and I watched the doctor examine his scar, standing in the corner of the room. Only as the doctor asked Kylo to take off his shirt had I noticed that there was also a cut in the fabric of his shirt. It then occurred to me that his scar ran even further down than his face. It ran until his right collar bone to be exact. 

Kylo pulled off his shirt revealing his bare chest. I blushed at the sight of him without a shirt, even if I knew that this wasn't the right time to be staring at his chest.

I watched the doctor stitch Kylo's wound shut, remembering the last time I had seen Kylo without a shirt. It had been when we were making out in his apartment when I had come over to tell him how I felt about him. Kylo caught me staring at his bare chest and I felt my cheeks redden even more as I tore my gaze away from him.

As soon as the doctor finished stitching up Kylo's wound, he put his shirt back on.

"The stitches should be healed in about one to two weeks. Your doctor will be able to pull out the stitches for you," the doctor stated, following us to the door.

We both nodded and thanked him for his time before we left.

Kylo drove us back to my place. "I saw you checking me out," he mentioned.

My cheeks began to flare again and I protested, "I wasn't checking _you_ out, I was looking at your _scar_."

He scoffed, "Yeah right. You tell yourself that." I was glad that he was in a joking mood. It meant that he felt better again. 

But I didn't feel better. I was tired of Snoke and the dangers Kylo would have to go through because of him. Because Kylo was stuck with _him here._

That made me come up with an idea.

"Kylo? Would you like to study for the SATs with me?" I asked nervously. 

_If he passes the SATs, he'll be able to get out of here and away from Snoke. He wouldn't be in danger anymore and we_ _could be together as we should be_ , I thought hopefully.

"Um, why?" he questioned taking a glance at me.

"Well, I was thinking," I began playing with the hem of my shirt, "if you pass the SATs, then you could get out of here and get away from the First Order. You wouldn't have to to follow their orders anymore."

Kylo remained silent for a while and I started becoming even more nervous.

"I don't think I'll be taking the SATs," he admitted as he parked the car. 

"What? Why not?" I asked him confused. It was almost as if he couldn't remember what happened these past few hours.

"I just don't think I'll be leaving Jakku," he shrugged as if it didn't matter.

But it _did_ matter.

It mattered to _me_.

"So you're saying that you would rather stay with the First Order, following their crazy and dangerous orders than doing what _you_ would really want to?" I furrowed my brows.

"Why?"

Kylo answered, sighing, "I wish I could explain it to you, but it's too complicated. I'm sorry, Rey." 

Sadness began nestling itself in my gut and I wished I could've been able to understand why he had to stay, but I couldn't because I couldn't even imagine _why_ he would _ever_ want to stay with them after all they had done to him just this night.

But I had to accept it, even if it might mean more trips to hospitals to make sure he'll be fine.

I put my hand against his right cheek, softly brushing along the side of his scar. 

Even though he had a long scar in his face, he was still as handsome as ever.

Kylo shut his eyes, his breath shuddering at my touch, so I took the chance to brush my lips against his before getting out of the car.

"Be safe," I told him.

"I will," he promised.

But it was hard to ever stay safe when you were a member of the First Order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sighs* I love worried and bossy Rey


	27. The Perfect Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give him something _special_.
> 
> I wanted to get him _the_ perfect present.

Rey

"So, you believe that the First Order has something to hold against Kylo which is why he obeys Snoke's every demand?" Finn asked picking at Poe's fries.

We were sitting at the food court in the Jakku mall after we had plundered through half the stores, searching for a gift for Kylo's upcoming birthday.

Poe and Finn were successful in finding him a present. I, on the other hand, was becoming desperate by the fact that _I_ , his _girlfriend_ , couldn't even find a _decent_ gift for his birthday.

" _He can never have enough black hoodies_ ," Poe had suggested, holding up his shopping bag, as I puffed my cheeks in frustration when we left the clothing store where Finn and Poe had gotten Kylo a hoodie.

But I didn't want to get him a hoodie. I wanted to give him something _special_.

I wanted to get him _the_ perfect present.

"That _would_ make sense, you know. I mean, after what you told us I don't believe Kylo is that much of a bad guy. I don't think he is the guy who would voluntarily do all those horrible things. I think that he's hiding something and that _something_ is keeping him from leaving the First Order," Poe explained, snatching a fry out of Finn's hand and eating it, smiling innocently at his boyfriend.

I relaxed a little. I hadn't expected Poe to believe me when I told him about what had happened at Chewie's party and what had happened last night, after all, a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have believed me either. 

But Poe was amazing and I would've never guessed that he would be _so_ understanding.

I was glad that I let him know about Kylo and my secret relationship.

"Yeah, but what could that _something_ be?" Finn wondered aloud.

"I don't know, guys. I have been thinking about it all night but there isn't a thing I could come up with that would make even a _little_ sense," I answered, leaning against the chair, "Maybe I don't need to know. Maybe knowing could ruin our relationship."

Finn gave Poe a glance that he didn't notice. For a short moment, it looked as if something inside Finn shattered but before Poe could notice he managed to wipe away the pain from his face when he said, "Maybe you're right. Some thing's aren't worth ruining your relationship for."

And that was when I knew what had torn him apart on the inside. The fact that he hadn't told his parents that he was in a happy relationship with a boy.

The fact that he hadn't told them that he was in love.

I wanted to reach across the table to grab Finn's hand and show him that I shared his pain, but he still didn't want Poe to know that he had thought about telling his parents. He didn't want to get Poe's hope up only to let them fall.

Poe flashed a dashing smile, cleaning his hands with a paper napkin before standing up, "Let's go. Rey still needs to find 'the perfect present' for her boyfriend."

The search for a gift was even more frustrating after lunch than before. I had the feeling every store had the same selection of clothes, shoes, colognes and even bobble headed figures of superheroes. 

But there was _nothing_ I could get him. 

"It's useless. I'll never find anything here!" I whined, frustratingly adjusting one of my three buns, "Maybe I'll just order something online and hope it will arrive on time."

Finn wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer to him, "Don't give up just yet. We still haven't been to that 'goth' store." 

"Just because Kylo only wears black doesn't mean he's a goth," I corrected him.

"Well then maybe you'll find a good book at the bookstore," Poe advised, jerking his head in the direction of the shop.

"Yeah, that sounds great. 'Here Kylo, I got you this book about some boring thing that happened years ago because our bookstore doesn't sell interesting books.'"

I sighed defeated, letting my shoulders hang, "Let's just go home."

As we made our way to the exit, I noticed a small cart in the corner of my eye. While Finn and Poe continued to walk towards the exit, I stopped to take a look at what could possibly gnaw at my attention enough to forget my frustration, because usually I never even cared to take a look at those tiny carts at malls because they always sold either phone covers or some kind of awful smelling face creams.

But this cart wasn't like any other cart. This cart gave me the solution to my problem.

This cart had the perfect present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very anxious of the outcome of this election and it's been hard to concentrate on anything lately.  
> So I hope that this chapter will be able to take your minds off of anything that has been clouding your minds!
> 
> Thank you for your comments and your kudos! They are very much appreciated. <3 
> 
> You can hit me up on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) and [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fake-laughter-and-fake-friends)!


	28. Group Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Working on our project had been more fun than I thought, mainly because Greg actually did his research instead of relying on me to have collected all the information we needed to complete our task. 
> 
> But also because Greg was kind of funny and nice.

Rey

I was standing in front of the Jakku public library waiting for Greg, my partner for my English project. We had texted each other when it would be best to meet up to work on our task together, so there wouldn't be the problem of someone doing more work than the other, and Wednesday after school was the only day where both of us had enough time to spare.

Kylo hadn't been so thrilled by the fact that I was meeting up with Greg alone, even though I told him multiple times that I was only going to the _library_ with Greg because of our English assignment. 

Yet that hadn't stopped Kylo from driving me to the library himself, nervously biting his lip all the way from my house to the library and kissing me passionately before I got out of the car.

I giggled thinking about it. It was cute how jealous Kylo was of Greg, even though there was nothing to be jealous about. Greg was just my assigned group-project-partner, nothing more.

I saw him approaching me from the stairs, wearing a gray sweater and a pair of jeans, his brown hair slightly curling at his ears. 

"Hey, how long have you been waiting?" Greg asked smiling nervously.

"Oh, not that long," I shrugged. 

_It would've been even longer if Kylo hadn't pulled me into that kiss_ , I thought realizing that my cheeks started blushing. Greg's smile turned into a shy one and he stared at the floor.

_What's up with him?_ I wondered a bit concerned.

"Shall we?" I asked, nodding towards the library, hoping that we could get this over with because I never really liked working in groups.

"We shall," Greg laughed before we entered the building.

Working on our project had been more fun than I thought, mainly because Greg actually did his research instead of relying on me to have collected all the information we needed to complete our task.

But also because Greg was kind of funny and nice.

He would occasionally crack a joke that was pretty hilarious just to lighten up the mood of working together. What made everything even funnier was of course that the librarian had to hush our laughing multiple times.

"Wow, I can't believe we actually finished our assignment today," I said as I packed my bag. "Now this isn't supposed to be mean or anything but I actually thought that we might need more time to complete our project," I laughed.

"Yeah," Greg mumbled slinging his bag over his shoulder as we left the library.

I checked my phone once we got outside, reading a text message from Kylo.  
 ****

**Kylo:** _do you want me to pick you up?_

But before I could answer, I noticed Greg staring at me, looking pretty nervous.

"Is everything ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, I just," he began stammering, "I wondered if you wanted to go grab a bite after all the hard work."

I stood there a bit taken aback. It wasn't that it shocked me that he had asked me if I wanted to go grab something to eat, it was that he was strangely nervous about it. 

_Maybe he's just a nervous guy_ , I thought, _Maybe he is just really anxious about asking people if they want to hang out._

_And anyway, it's not a crime if we go get something to eat. I_ am _kind of hungry._

"Yeah, sure," I answered and it seemed as if he was relieved by my answer.

"Cool! I know that really cool Italian place here in Jakku. I could drive us there."

"Sounds nice," I said as I texted Kylo back.  
 ****

**Me:** _No, it's ok. Greg and I are going to grab some dinner. I'll talk to you later._

The car ride to the restaurant was pretty silent, probably because I was busy texting Kylo to calm down and that he shouldn't be freaking out and that it would be best to _not_ show up at _Linguini's_. It took some time, but a couple of texts later he seemed to have calmed down.

"Your mom?" Greg asked out of the blue.

"Huh?" I wondered what he could have possibly meant, but realized that he was probably talking about the multiple texts I had been receiving during the car ride, "Yeah, she's just wondering when I'll be home."

"She sure seems to be worried," he chuckled, pulling into the parking lot of Finn and my favorite Italian restaurant.

"You have no idea," I mumbled, suppressing a smile and checking my phone once more before putting it back into my pocket.

Dinner had been ok. Greg had asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, Finn and about my interests and I almost felt as if I was at a police hearing.

But it still had been sort of fun and the food was good, which was also nice.

I even got a chance to get to know Greg even more, even though I had hardly asked him any personal questions. He had told me about his two older siblings, that they both work at his dad's law firm and that he might follow in their footsteps, but he wants to graduate from Jakku Community College first before making any big life decisions. 

I sort of felt a kind of sadness wash over me when he spoke of staying in Jakku after graduating High School. I never could understand why someone would voluntarily waste their precious life here when there were so many other opportunities all around the country.

Staying in Jakku reminded me of Kylo and how he would probably never leave this godforsaken town. The town where dreams were made to die.

"Is this you?" Greg voiced slowing the car down, pointing at my house.

"Yeah, you can just stop in front of the driveway," I answered, sort of glad that I was almost at home.

Greg stopped his car, turning his engine off. There was this sudden air of awkwardness in his vehicle as he stared into my eyes, his gray irises glistening with a strange sort of emotion that only made me want to retreat into my house even more.

"Thank you for driving me home," I broke the silence, my hand reaching for the door handle.

"No problem," he chuckled softly yet somehow uncomfortably as I got out of his car. "Maybe we can do this again sometime," Greg proposed staring at me, awaiting my answer with a hint of unease.

"Yeah sure, why not?" I shrugged. 

"Cool, I'll text you."

"Sounds like a plan," I said pointing my fingers awkwardly at him.

"Great, see you around," he winked smirking.

"Yeah, see ya." I shut the door shortly afterward and made my way to my house as quickly as possible. 

I sighed as soon as I walked through the front door, glad that my day was over.

_See ya? Really Rey?_ I scolded myself as I took my phone out of my pocket just as I received a text from Kylo.  
 ****

**Kylo:** _so how was it with Greg?_   
****

**Me:** _It was ok_   
****

**Kylo:** _did you get to finish your English assignment?_   
****

**Me:** _Yes. You don't have a reason to worry anymore._

And I swore I could almost hear Kylo sigh out of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another short chapter, but I hope the next one will make up for it!
> 
> Thank you for you comments and kudos! :)
> 
> You can hit me up on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) and [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fake-laughter-and-fake-friends)!


	29. Bosco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why did they do that?" I asked out of the blue.
> 
> "Do what?" 
> 
> I read the tag on the gift: _Finn and Poe_. 
> 
> "Why did Finn and Poe give me a present?"
> 
> Rey looked a bit confused as she answered, "Well, because it's your birthday and that's what people give you on birthdays."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And when I get drunk,  
> You take me home  
> And keep me safe  
> From harm" 
> 
> _Bosco_ by Placebo 
> 
> Trigger warning: drinking and subtle violence

Kylo

Even though it was _my_ birthday party, I still hated parties, especially because Snoke invited people I didn't even want to celebrate my birthday with. Honestly, all these boozed-up people didn't even give two shits about _me_ , not today, nor ever, they were just here for the free alcohol and an excuse to make out with whoever they wanted to.

There was only one person I wanted to spend my birthday with and _I_ was the one who invited her, not Snoke or Hux, but me because it didn't matter that our relationship was a secret, it didn't matter that I truly fucking hated parties, I wanted her to be here. Even if it meant that I wouldn't be able to hold her and kiss her whenever I wanted.

I anxiously glanced past the drunk swarm of people to the front door of Hux's apartment, eagerly awaiting Rey. Of course Snoke planned the damn party, but he sure as hell wouldn't plan it at _his_ place. No one except Hux and I actually knew where he lived, and he wanted it to stay that way. Snoke had way too many people who hated his guts, his so-called "enemies," which was the main reason why he wouldn't let anyone except the First Order know where his place was.

"Ren, why are you standing around all tense? And where's your drink?" Snoke asked, grabbing a cup and filling it with vodka and orange juice and handing it to me as quickly as possible.

"It's nothing," I mumbled, eyeing the door again. I somewhat feared that I would miss her if my attention was elsewhere.

Snoke smirked, his scarred face distored in an unpleasant view, "I know _exactly_ what will cheer you up." 

I watched his gaze search the crowd of drunks, resting on some girl with long light brown hair. Not shoulder length, not chocolate brown, light brown and long. It wasn't Rey.

 _My_ Rey.

I sighed annoyed as hell when Snoke waved her over to us and she slowly made her way to us. 

_Why the fuck does he always think I need to make out with some random girl whenever I seem tense or pissed off?!_

I watched her expression when she almost reached us. Her eyes averted Snoke's gaze to the floor and she almost looked embarrassed, yet excited. Excited because she thought I was going make out with her. Excited because she thought she could finally tell her friends what it's like to fuck Kylo Ren. Excited because she would never guess that I was in love.

For her I was just the dark, dangerous and mysterious Kylo Ren. Nothing more. 

Just as the girl approached us and I was about to tell her that she should go stick her tongue down someone else's throat, I felt a sudden tingling feeling run through my body and electrifying my veins as I noticed a familiar face walking through the doorway from the corner of my eye. 

My gaze swiftly turned to face the door and my heart jumped inside my chest and a subtle smile crept upon my face before I made my way to Rey, ignoring Snoke and whoever he called over to us. 

I could imagine Snoke curiously watching me, to find out where I was headed to, to _who_ I was headed to, but for some reason I didn't seem to care. All I cared about was her.

Rey entered the apartment with her best friend Finn and that kid from the football team who always hung out with them. She wore a pair of washed-out jeans and a thin baggy beige sweater with the shoes she wore on our first date. She left her brown hair completely open for once, letting it fall beautifully down her shoulders. 

I smiled to myself as my heart pounded against my chest at the sight of her beauty. 

Her hazel eyes frustratedly searched the room, furrowing her brows while she carefully pulled her phone out of her pocket a few seconds before I could get to her.

Rey's eyes lit up and she flashed a huge grin as she stared up at me and I couldn't manage to keep a straight face when I saw her. 

"You came," I uttered, my gaze wandering from her eyes to her lips and then back to her eyes again. I wanted to kiss her right then and there, but it was already risky that I was standing in front of her and greeting her with everyone watching.

"I told you I would," she answered staring at the floor, her cheeks flaring a bright shade of pink as she kicked the tip of my shoes with hers. 

Someone behind Rey cleared their throat and that was when I noticed that I sort of forgot that her friends were there as well. My gaze flicked to them and I straightened myself while wiping the smile off my face, the walls in my mind suddenly up again.

Both of them carefully stepped towards me and Finn handed me a medium sized gift bag as they awkwardly wished me a "happy birthday." 

I stared at the bag and then back at them, with a small warm feeling deep inside my chest. I was surprised that they even got me a present. Why should they? It wasn't even as if we were friends or anything. And plus, I never got presents from anyone since I moved to Jakku, not even from Snoke and Hux. 

"Thank you," I nodded, trying to hide the strange warm feeling inside my chest at their gesture. A feeling I remembered from when I was a kid. 

We awkwardly stood in front of each other and I didn't know what they were expecting me to do now. 

_If they want me to hug them, then they are sure going to be disappointed_ , I thought.

"Well," Finn announced, "we are gonna go find some drinks. You'll find us, Rey?" 

She nodded in response and Finn gave her a sincere smile that reminded me a lot of the smiles my mother gave me. A piercing feeling stabbed at my heart at the thought of her.

I tried to shake away the reminder of her. Now was not time to feel regret over what I had done. Now was not the time to think about her. Now was not the time to _remember them_.

Not now, not ever.

I turned my focus back to Rey and I noticed her fumbling with the hem of her sweater as she stared up at me. I relaxed a little again, ignoring what had been haunting my thoughts just moments before.

"Why did they do that?" I asked out of the blue.

"Do what?" 

I read the tag on the gift: _Finn and Poe_. 

"Why did Finn and Poe give me a present?"

Rey looked a bit confused as she answered, "Well, because it's your birthday and that's what people give you on birthdays." She began to reach into her bag as I thought about what she had just said, frowning a little. 

_But they don't know_ me. 

_Who here even knows me?_ I wondered as I let my eyes wander around the apartment at all the people drinking, dancing, smoking and making out.

"Happy Birthday, Kylo," Rey smiled as she held out a white rectangular box with a red ribbon on top. 

She nudged the gift toward me and I carefully took it from her. I slowly loosened the ribbon, looking at her nervous expression. By the way she bit the inside of her lip made me realize that she was anxious about my reaction. She seemed to have given my present a lot of thought if she was this nervous about it.

I inhaled sharply when I took off the lid to reveal what was in the box. 

A new calligraphy set. 

"You remembered," I whispered, unable to grasp that Rey gave me something she knew I would treasure and she knew that I loved.

 _Maybe there is someone who does know me_ , I told myself.

I looked back at Rey and noticed the glisten in her eyes and I knew that in that moment she wanted to hold me as much as I wanted to hold her, that it would only be the two of us and that nothing ever mattered. That nothing could tear us apart.

She looked around to see if anyone was watching us before she gave me a peck on the cheek and I felt the color rising to my face. 

I cleared my throat and casually looked over my shoulder, the feeling that someone was watching us creeping through my bones, but everyone seemed to be too drunk to care that I wasn't with Snoke or Hux or even some kind of girl with her tongue down my throat, but that I was with a beautiful woman, who was perfect and everything I ever wanted.

I pulled Rey with me through the nearest door which turned out to be Hux's closet.

 _Why in the world would Hux even need so many black jackets?_ I asked myself.

The room was small, but we didn't need the space because as soon as I shut the door behind us our lips collided. I held Rey so close to my body I was almost afraid I'd hurt her, but she pulled me closer to her, as we both lost ourselves in our kiss. We kept on stumbling against Hux's coats and Rey let out noiseless giggles until I decided to pick her up.

But before I could, Rey pulled away and stared at me with a look that was half-want and half-regret.

"Maybe we should get to the party?" Rey suggested, her voice cracking at the beginning of her sentence. "I think Finn and Poe are waiting for me." She raised her brows to incline that there was a group of people who were also probably wondering where I was. 

I ran my hand through her hair and looked at her, never wanting to end this moment, "Yeah sure." I kissed her softly. "Thank you for the gift," I spoke in a whisper.

"You're welcome," she smiled before kissing the tip of my nose. I hesitated before turning to open the door, wanting to kiss her again and again and again, but I knew she was right. We both knew that I had to get back to Snoke.

"You should probably check your phone once in a while. You know, in case of an 'emergency'," I smirked.

"Don't worry, Kylo, I will," she laughed before exiting the coat room first and I waited a few moments, for various reasons, before heading out the closet and making my way to the First Order.

A few hours and a few _drinks_ later, I was standing in Hux's living room behind his couch talking to Snoke. 

I couldn't quite keep my focus on him and what he was saying, not because I was drunk or anything, but because Rey was standing right behind me, talking to Finn and Poe. We were standing so close to each other I could feel the heat radiating off her body, setting my nerves on fire. 

Maybe the alcohol was making me careless or maybe I wanted to take a small risk, but I carefully found her hand, softly brushing her fingers with mine until they slowly intertwined causing my heart to beat so loud I couldn't hear anything anymore. Only her voice and my heart drumming.

While Snoke kept on talking about something I didn't care about, I texted Rey.  
****

**Me:** _meet me in the closet?_

I heard her phone go off before getting an answer.  
****

**Rey:** _Ok. :)_

She let go of my hand and I told Snoke I had to go talk to someone before heading back to the closet to go wait for her.

Rey

I waited a few minutes while talking to Poe and Finn after I watched Kylo head out the living room before I followed him into Hux's coat closet. 

Nodding to my friends, so they'd know where I was going, I made my way to where Kylo was, anxiously looking over my shoulders to make sure no one was watching me. I felt safer once I stood in the hallway and I had a clear view of the door leading to the closet. But before I could even get near the door I felt someone fiercely push me against a wall and I shut my eyes while the pain ran through my body as I bumped my head. 

_Who the fuck did that?_

"You _stupid bitch_!" I heard someone hiss and I felt their hand clutching my jaw and their breath against my face. I blinked, slowly opening my eyes because of the fear of whoever cornered me. Cold blue eyes stared daggers at me as I managed to see who was standing in front of me.

_Armitage Hux._

"What do you _want_?" I tried to speak but it was hard with his grip on my jaw. 

"What do you _mean_ 'what do I _want?_ ' Are you really _that stupid_?!" he spat, twisting my face to look at him. My eyes wandered around the hallway and for some reason we were alone now, most people were gathered in the living room and I heard someone speaking loudly, probably entertaining the guests. 

"Don't play dumb. You two couldn't have been more _subtle_ now _could you_?! Sneaking off into my closet, making out or kissing him on the cheek when you should know that there are eyes _everywhere_!" Hux glared, his nails digging into my face.

I swallowed hard, _So someone_ did _see us_. I felt my breathing quicken as fear began to cut its way into my body. I wasn't afraid for myself, but for Kylo. I didn't want to imagine what they would do to him after tonight.

"What do you even _think_ you're _doing_?!" Hux anger started rising more and more. "Do you think you can _tame_ him like a little _pet_?! _Do you think you can save his soul?!_ You know _exactly_ what he is, you _pathetic girl_ and you know you can _never_ change him!"

At that moment, I should've felt afraid of what Hux would do to me, but instead I remembered what the First Order did to him, to Kylo, causing him to be so careless. A sudden wave of rage overcame me and the next thing I remembered was a nasty crunching sound, the feeling of bones breaking under my knuckles and Hux holding onto his bloody nose. 

" _YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS YOU FUCKING WHORE_!" Hux cried and for a second I believed he was going to hurt me, but he was pulled back instead. 

" _What the fuck happened?!_ " Kylo asked furiously as he stared at me and then at Hux, his frown suddenly being lifted at the corner of his mouth. 

"Your _bitch_ broke my nose!" 

Kylo glared at Hux, a glint visible in his eyes that made my skin crawl, a look I never wanted to see again. He grabbed Hux by the collar and pushed him against the wall and I could hear a cry of pain escape Hux. 

Kylo snarled, " _She_ is _not_ a _bitch_. And if I catch you trying to hurt her again, I swear, your nose won't be the only thing that'll be broken." He raised his fist and for a short moment I thought he was going to slam it straight into Hux's face again. Hux flinched when Kylo slammed his fist against the wall right next to his head before turning to face me. Kylo's eyes were full of rage when he looked at me, but they were also full of sadness. Sadness for me having to see him like this. 

"I'm going home," he told Hux over his shoulder as he grabbed my hand.

" _Home_?! You can't go _home_! Not after _this_!" Hux gestured to me and his nose. "Snoke won't tolerate this behavior!"

Kylo ignored Hux as he and I walked out of the apartment and to his car.

Kylo

I told Rey to drive because I had had a couple of drinks at "my" birthday party. I watched her for a while as she drove along the road a couple of blocks from my apartment. Rey seemed to be unharmed by Hux's assault, even though I had not seen everything he had done to her. I had been waiting for her in his goddamn closet until I heard Hux yell at her. That was when I saw him gripping her face and pinning her against the wall. But before I could do anything, Rey had already punched him in the face, breaking his nose.

"Does your hand hurt?" I asked, noticing that it had started to bruise a bit.

Never in my life would I have believed how strong Rey would be for standing up to Hux like that, for defending herself because I wasn't careful enough. 

"No, not really," she answered, her voice a bit husky from not speaking for a while. She seemed so far away, so lost in something that troubled her mind. 

I knew exactly how that felt. How many times had I lost myself in the thought of my past, of my parents, of myself? How many times had I longed for someone to talk to all my faults about? 

How long had I wished for someone like Rey? 

_Would she understand if I told her about why I was here? Would she understand if I told her who I was? Would she still_ _want to be with me after I showed her all my demons?_

I loved her more than anyone and I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted her to know _more_ of me than she already did. But the truth would just get in the way. 

She would never look at me the way she did now and then I would lose the only person I ever loved. 

And that would break me. 

A bitterness filled my mouth and my eyes began to sting a little as we stopped at my place. 

"Is everything ok?" Rey asked softly, placing her hand over mine. 

"Yeah, I'm just sorry you had to see that," I told her. I didn't feel like lying, but I didn't feel like telling her that I had been hiding my true identity from her either, so I told her something I _was_ sorry about.

"It's ok, Kylo, you had to do it."

"I wish it could've gone differently," I spoke. I didn't know what I really meant by that. Did I wish that this evening could've gone differently or something else? 

"Some thing's are meant to happen," Rey said and smiled as she brushed a strand of hair out of my face. It seemed to me that she looked past what happened moments before we left the party. 

"Do you want to come inside?" I asked carefully, afraid that she might push me away.

Rey smiled sweetly and asked, "Are you asking me to stay the night?"

"If you want to," I shrugged, grinning.

Rey nodded and we both got out of my car and headed to my apartment, spending my birthday together in the best way possible: watching movies, laughing and falling asleep next to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one mess with Rey. ;)
> 
> To those of you who skipped because of the trigger warning:  
> So during Kylo's party, Kylo and Rey get caught being cute to each other and Hux threatens Rey. Rey then defends herself by breaking Hux's nose and Kylo and Rey leave the party together. 
> 
> Thank you so so much for the kind comments and kudos! You are all so sweet! :) <3
> 
> You can hit me up on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) and [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fake-laughter-and-fake-friends)!


	30. idfc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe's last words were in a painful whisper. He wanted me to stay with him so bad. He wanted me to be with him tonight and ignore the fact that we were hiding.
> 
> He wanted us to be a normal couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm only a fool for you  
> And maybe you're too good for me  
> I'm only a fool for you  
> But I don't fucking care at all"
> 
> _idfc_ by blackbear

Finn

"Ok, so Rey texted me that she'll be staying at Kylo's tonight," I told Poe who seemed to have a hard time unbuckling his seatbelt, his fingers fumbling with the red button to release himself from the "unholy grasp" of the passenger's seat, as he so drunkenly slurred. 

I laughed to myself while helping him free himself from his seat. Once the seatbelt rolled back into place, Poe slumped back against the back rest, grinning dopily with his eyes half-closed. He was so adorable when he was drunk. Usually people were annoying as fuck when they were wasted, but not Poe. Poe could never be annoying to me. 

"Stay with me tonight," he murmured, reaching for my hand and placing it on his chest. I could feel the rhythm his heart made, the way it nervously beat against his chest.

"Poe..," I began, feeling sorry for what I was about to answer. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend the night, it was just that I was being overly protective about not letting my parents find out. "You know I want to, but..."

"Then _stay_ ," he insisted, clutching onto my hand and looking straight into my eyes, "Forget everyone else. Fuck what they think, Finn. _Fuck_ what _anyone_ thinks! Let it just be you and me. Just the two of us." Poe's last words were in a painful whisper. He wanted me to stay with him so bad. He wanted me to be with him tonight and ignore the fact that we were hiding.

He wanted us to be a normal couple.

I sighed, caressing his cheek with my free hand and kissed him, tasting the alcohol on his lips. My chest ached and I tasted the bitterness of tears in the back of my throat that always seemed to appear whenever I struggled with doing what was right.

_We shouldn't be hiding, it's not the right thing to do. Why should it even matter that we are together when all that_ _should really matter is that we love each other? That we love each other more than anything else._

_Then why do I seem to care so much about my parents when it should be about me?_

I hated this feeling, I hated having to think twice about taking my boyfriend's hand in public. I hated having to constantly wonder what my parents might think if they saw me with Poe, if they _heard_ about Poe and me. 

But even though I hated it so much, I couldn't seem to get out of this damn cycle of hiding and hurting the person I loved the most. The person who was sitting in my car, who had too many drinks tonight and who pleaded for me to stay. 

_Just stay._

_Stop fucking caring for once._

_Stay._

"Come on, let's go inside," I uttered, our foreheads resting against each other and I could feel Poe's breath against my face as he began to smile, biting his lip in a shy manner.

"Thank you," he echoed, nuzzling his head against my neck.

"Don't thank me. You shouldn't be thanking me for simple things like sleeping over at your place," I responded and I felt him tense up for a moment.

Poe sighed, facing me again, "But sometimes those things aren't as simple as we want them to be."

There was that pain in my chest again and I wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry that this hasn't been so easy for us, for _you_."

"It's ok. I just sometimes wish I could actually be _with_ you even though everyone can see us, you know?" Poe smiled sadly, "But that doesn't matter right now. Let's just enjoy what we have now." He opened the door and stumbled outside, waving at me to do the same. 

I knew exactly what he meant, and that made everything worse.

_Maybe Poe is just too good for me and that is why it's so hard for me to make the right choice when I know I have to face_ _it, because I'm afraid that I'll break something so important to me once something changes_ , I thought as I got out of my car and walking to his front door with him next to me, so close we could feel each other's skin, but not close enough that we touched.

_Could our hands ever intertwine if I never tell my parents? Could it change the way we feel about each other if I don't?_ I wondered, taking a sideways glance at Poe who was staring at me with eyes brighter than the moon and a smile spread across his beautiful face. 

_It shouldn't change a thing, now should it? We love each other and that's what matters to us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again and happy Thanksgiving!  
> I hope you are all staying safe and healthy during the holidays!  
> I know this chapter is a little bit shorter, but I thought it was still important (and a little angsty). 
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos! You guys are amazing!!
> 
> You can hit me up on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) and [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fake-laughter-and-fake-friends)!


	31. The Talk of the Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg inhaled sharply, puffing the air into his cheeks before responding, "I was wondering if it's true."
> 
> "If _what_ is true?" I stared at him confused as I furrowed my brows. 
> 
> "What everyone is talking about," he continued beating around the bush, as if he was afraid to actually _tell_ me what _he_ was talking about.
> 
> "Greg, I really don't know what you're trying to ask me," I admitted, laughing nervously. 
> 
> He sighed before finally cutting to the chase, "Are you dating Kylo Ren?"

Rey

"You know Rey, you _can_ tell me if you slept with Kylo. You know I won't tell anyone," Finn implied, bringing his car to a halt on the senior parking lot. He had been asking me if Kylo and I had sex ever since I texted him that I was spending the night at my boyfriend's place. I mean, ok, it _was_ Kylo's birthday and I _did_ spend the night at his house, but we didn't have sex. We just watched some of his favorite movies and fell asleep next to each other. Nothing else.

"Finn, you're being particularly nosy about this whole thing, haven't you noticed? And as I have already told you a thousand times, Kylo and I did _not_ have sex, ok?" I explained, letting out a huge sigh. 

"I know I am. I'm your _best friend_ , I'm supposed to be annoying about these things," he pointed out, chuckling when he saw me raise my eyebrows at him, and I couldn't help but laugh as well.

I exhaled, leaning back against my seat. Finn was right. I knew I could always talk to him about everything, so why not talk about this?

"I don't know why, Finn, but I don't think we had the right moment yet, do you know what I mean? I mean, it seems like _something_ is _always_ getting in the way. Of course I wouldn't sleep with Kylo the second we got together and I wouldn't have sex with him after our first date. And on Saturday, well, you know... the whole thing with Hux," I reminded him, brushing through my hair with my hand to tie the upper half together.

Finn put his hand my shoulder frowning."Oh yeah, that whole shit that happened at the party... I'm sorry the First Order found out about you two."

"It's ok, it was bound to happen sooner or later," I mumbled.

He looked sideways at me and asked, "But that's not all, is it?"

A small smile crept upon my lips. _How is it that he knows me so well?_

"It's what Kylo is hiding from me. I know you told me that maybe it's for the better _not_ knowing what it might be, but for some reason I have the feeling that that secret is standing between us," I told him, "Or standing in the _way_ of something."

Finn leaned in to kiss my forehead. "Rey, I know that _that's_ what's bothering you, but you shouldn't focus too much on what he is hiding from you. Just focus on your relationship and I'm sure that he'll tell you about it soon enough. He's probably just not ready yet."

_What if he never tells me? What if this secret of his will tear us apart?_ I wondered, my insides twisting in a sickening manner. 

But I had to try to stay positive. Maybe Finn was right and maybe some day Kylo will tell me what he is hiding.

I kissed Finn's cheek and thanked him for being my best friend in the entire world before getting out of his car.

I sensed that something was off today as soon as we entered the hallway. The sudden sound of murmurs filled the school and I had that strange feeling that everyone was watching us, which was something that hardly ever happened except when everyone in our school was talking about me when I had been one of Snoke's victims at Chewie's party. But on other days no one particularly cared about us. And why should they? We never did anything worth gossiping about. 

Walking past all the familiar faces of Jakku High, I tried my best to ignore their voices, but I felt my ears twitch when I heard Kylo's name under the swarm of whispers. After that, I couldn't help but try to figure out what they were talking about. 

_Did he get hurt? Did Snoke do something to him?_ I started to panic, my heart pacing inside my chest as if I was running a marathon. 

I tugged on Finn's sleeve, so he would face me. 

"What's wrong?" he immediately asked, his eyes locking with mine.

I leaned in closer to him once we reached our lockers and whispered, "They were talking about Kylo. What if something happened to him, Finn? What if the First Order _did_ something?" I felt like throwing up. If something happened to Kylo it would be all my fault because I wasn't being careful enough at his birthday party. 

_Why did I even think it was a good idea to give him a kiss on the cheek? Of course somebody would've seen that!_ I mentally scolded myself.

"Rey, you need to calm down, you're as pale as a ghost and you're shaking. Everything's going to be just fine." Finn pulled me into a tight hug and added in a murmur, " _He's_ going to be fine."

I wanted to stay like this for a while. For a moment, I felt like everything was ok, that nothing bad would ever happen if I just stayed in Finn's embrace. 

But Finn let go of me when someone behind me cleared their throat. 

"Ehm, hi guys," Greg greeted awkwardly, his gray eyes wandering from my face to the floor.

"Hey Greg, what's up?" Finn asked.

"Not much," he replied, brushing his brown hair out of his face while adding, "I was actually wondering if I could talk to you, Rey."

Finn and I shared a short glance, wondering what this could be about, before I nodded at Greg and Finn left us alone, probably making his way to Poe's locker. 

"What's going on? Is this about our English assignment?" I asked as calmly as I could, while I kept on pondering what could've happened to my boyfriend.

"What? Oh no, this isn't about Threepio's class," Greg answered digging his hands into the pockets of his gray hoodie. 

"Oh, then what is it?"

Greg inhaled sharply, puffing the air into his cheeks before responding, "I was wondering if it's true."

"If _what_ is true?" I stared at him confused as I furrowed my brows. 

"What everyone is talking about," he continued beating around the bush, as if he was afraid to actually _tell_ me what _he_ was talking about.

"Greg, I really don't know what you're trying to ask me," I admitted, laughing nervously. 

He sighed before finally cutting to the chase, "Are you dating Kylo Ren?"

I took a small step back, feeling the cool surface of the lockers through my clothes. I had not expected him to ask me about Kylo and my _secret_ relationship. 

"Where did you get _that_ from?" I tried to act as if dating Kylo was the most absurd thing in the world. 

"Well, you guys are sort of the 'talk of the town'. Everyone in school knows about the rumor that you two made out in Hux's closet at the party on Saturday and that you left the party with him later that evening." Greg anxiously bit his lip asking,"Is it true?"

_Everyone knows about us? But how?_ I wondered, thinking about who could've even figured it all out until it hit me. 

_Hux_.

It all made sense now why everyone had started whispering once Finn and I entered this goddamn school. They weren't just talking about Kylo, they were talking about Kylo _and_ me. _We_ were the new hot topic in the gossiping world of Jakku's high school students. And because they were talking about both of us, maybe, just maybe nothing happened to Kylo. 

"Rey? Are you still there?" Greg waved his hand in front of my face. "You spaced out a little when I asked you if the rumors were true," Greg pointed out, his gray eyes searching my face. 

"Sorry," I remembered slightly embarrassed. Staring at Greg, I noticed that he was still awaiting an answer to his question. 

"So.. is it true?"

I didn't know what to say. _Should I lie and pretend that I hated Kylo's guts or should I just admit that we have been dating for a while now?_

But before I could even come up with an answer, a dark, intimidating voice answered for me, "Yeah, it's true. Got a problem with that?" I didn't even have to turn around to know who it was.

Kylo wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him, causing Greg's face to redden and his hands in his hoodie to form into fists. 

"No, there's no problem at all," Greg muttered a bit disappointed. He glared at Kylo for a short while before turning his gaze to me, his hair almost completely blocking his eyes, but I could sense that there was something wrong with him nonetheless. "Well, I'll see you around Rey," he said a bit hurt before spinning on his heel, stalking away from us. 

I felt Kylo relax next to me and I turned my head to look up at him, imploring, "So, we're _not_ a secret anymore?" 

A smirk tugged at the corner of his soft lips as he glanced at me. "If everyone already knows, why go through the trouble to hide it?" Kylo shrugged facing me, his dark brown eyes shining beautifully causing me to blush and my heart to flutter inside my chest. 

"And what about Snoke and Hux?" I muttered almost losing myself in his hypnotic stare. 

"I won't let them get near you. I promise," he uttered softly and I could feel the warmth of his breath against my face as he craned his neck down to softly brush his lips against mine before letting them intertwine, lightly pushing me against the lockers with our kiss. My hands rested on his shoulders as he cupped my face before breaking away from my lips, still staring at me with a hungry gaze and I felt my cheeks flare with heat. 

"I'll drive you home?" he proposed, clearing his throat before his voice had the chance to crack as he quickly glanced at all the people watching us, their jaws telling us that they couldn't believe what they were seeing: Bad boy Kylo Ren and top-student Rey were not just a fling, no, they were _official_. 

I smiled, biting my lip. "Sounds great."

"Ok," he responded, "I'll see you later." Kylo quickly kissed my cheek and headed back to the First Order. 

I stood there a while longer with my heart hammering in my chest until the bell rang and I made my way to my first class with a sudden weight lifting off my shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all your kind comments and kudos! :) <3 
> 
> Hit me up on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) or [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fake-laughter-and-fake-friends)!


	32. Loyalties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never really cared about Kylo and what he did and who he did it with, and to be honest, I _liked_ that he had someone. 
> 
> Not because I was happy for him, but because I wanted him to finally get out of the picture. I wanted him out of our gang, so Snoke could finally make _me_ second in command, as it _should_ be.

Hux

"I don't like this _one bit!"_ Snoke growled as he paced around his living room table. I had told him about how his plan of separating Ren and that _girl_ by telling everyone about their "relationship" had shattered because instead of distancing themselves from each other, they used the rumor as an opportunity to actually make whatever they had public. 

I never really cared about Kylo and what he did and who he did it with, and to be honest, I _liked_ that he had someone. 

Not because I was happy for him, but because I wanted him to finally get out of the picture. I wanted him out of our gang, so Snoke could finally make _me_ second in command, as it _should_ be.

In the past, I had tried to get rid of Kylo multiple times by making the orders Snoke gave him a tad harder than they should be, hoping that something would happen to him, but instead Ren had always come back unharmed and stronger than before, causing Snoke to actually favor _him_ over _me_. And once Snoke had made him second in command, I didn't have any other choice but to spread the word that Kylo had pulled a gun on his father before moving to Jakku, thinking that once everyone knew about what he had done, _what_ he was, he would get thrown into the slammer and stay away from us, but that plan of mine was unsuccessful and I had to pay the price by watching Snoke treat Kylo almost as his equal instead of me, even after all I'd done for him and the First Order. 

But maybe this girlfriend of Kylo could be my golden ticket to the dream of finally getting rid of him. 

Yet Snoke didn't seem so thrilled about it. 

He slumped into his barcalounger while mumbling under his breath about how much he hated what was going on. 

I cleared my throat and raised my chin. "Supreme Leader, I don't quite understand _why_ this matter is bothering you so much."

"It bothers me because his loyalties are slowly slipping away and if she gets to him any _further_ , _we_ will _lose him_ ," he answered in a hiss. "She already managed to weaken him, to make him _feel_ something after the training I have put him through to get him to hate _everyone_ with every fiber of his being. Now _imagine_ what else she could do."

I shrugged, "So? Who cares if we lose him? It's not like we need him."

Snoke quickly turned his icy glare to face me as he stood up from his chair to loom over my body. My skin began to crawl with fear and I felt my breathing being tied in a knot in my throat as he spat, "I will _not_ lose my strongest member because _you_ believe we don't need him!" I flinched at his words as he continued to bark at me. "Do I see _you_ go through a ton of trouble for the First Order?! Do I see _you_ get into fights to protect the name of the First Order?! There is a _reason_ why _he's_ second in command and _not you_! Or is that too hard for you to understand?!" 

The bitter taste in my mouth made it hard for me to swallow and my ears rung with the sound of fear and failure.

"No, I understand," I stammered. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you." My gut churned inside of me and I could feel tears stinging in the back of my eyes. 

_Now is not the time to show weakness_ , I told myself while taking a deep breath. Snoke seemed to have calmed down as well because he sat down on his coffee table and his dangerous glare was replaced by his eyes being deep in thought.

Even though I did not want Ren to stay with us, I also did not want Snoke to think of me as weak and disrespectful and maybe getting Kylo back would change his mind because _I_ wasn't the one who fell for some kind of girl, _I_ wasn't the one who let those feelings weaken me.

_I_ wasn't the one who forgot where my loyalties lie.

Snoke's eyes shone triumphantly and he raised his gaze to mine, flashing his sharp teeth with a poisonous grin and I knew immediately that a plan popped into his head.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked curiously as the devious feeling I knew too well pumped through my veins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Armitage Hux has entered the chat_
> 
> I know this chapter is a little bit shorter, but I felt like it was necessary to reveal what is going on in Hux's mind.  
> I also kind of feel sorry for him, haha. 
> 
> Thank you again for the comments and kudos! I am so grateful for you all and I really hope you are enjoying the story! 
> 
> You can find me on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) and [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fake-laughter-and-fake-friends)!


	33. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " _Who are you really?_ " I whispered, staring at the photo of the boy I thought I knew.

Rey

My mom was sleeping in the passenger seat of her car while I was driving her to an out-of-town meeting her firm held, following the directions the navigation system gave me.

The city where the meeting took place was about three hours away from Jakku and because my mom had to get up pretty early, drive three hours to attend the meeting, sit in a room full of co-workers for some time, _and_ drive back home, I insisted on driving her, so she could get enough rest for the day. 

And I also didn't have anything else to do until I went over to Kylo's tonight. 

I was pretty excited to see him again because I hadn't been seeing much of him for a couple of days. Since last week, Kylo had had a lot to do for the First Order, sometimes even having to skip school because of some crazy task he had to do for Snoke. 

And I missed him. I missed him so much it felt like it tore me apart on the inside and I felt that with every passing day not being able to see him even _once_ bits and pieces of my heart broke. Of course we texted and talked on the phone, but sometimes that isn't enough.

But on the bright side I was going to spend time with him again after my mom's meeting. I let myself give in to this happy feeling in my body, letting it spread its warmth through my veins and resting on my bones.

"What are you smiling about?" my mom mumbled sleepily, resting one of her hands on my lap. 

"It's nothing," I giggled quietly, rolling my eyes.

"Well, I wouldn't necessarily call Kylo 'nothing'," she smiled softly, blinking away the sleep from her eyes. 

I would've never in my entire life guessed that my mom actually liked Kylo because of how people usually saw him. But my mom had this strange gift of knowing a person before actually getting to know them, for example, when she had first met Finn when I was in kindergarten, she knew immediately that he would be a friend for life. So maybe, she knew that Kylo wasn't as bad and dangerous as everyone else thought.

"I know you are thinking about him," she pointed out, "you have that look on your face."

" _What_ look?" I asked.

"You know what I mean. The look of being in love," mom answered, pain straining her voice and I let myself glance at her to see a small frown upon her face. I knew she missed dad, I missed him _too_ , but I don't think as much as mom did. My dad and mom grew up together. They had been best friends since pre-school, in love since senior year in high school and had gotten married a few years after graduation.

Mom and dad never wanted to be rich or famous, all they wanted was a family, a home and to be together for the rest of their lives. 

The sad part was that my dad had gotten sick before they could finish living their dream together. 

And even though years had passed since, mom never looked at anyone else the way she did when she had looked at him. 

"Mom? Do you think dad would have wanted you to move on?" I asked her.

She laughed, biting away her tears, "I know he wanted me to, he told me before he passed. It's just.. I will never.." Mom let out a long breath, trying to calm her emotions. "I loved your father _so, so_ much and I will love him until the day I die. And I could never hurt anyone like that because I could never love them as much as your father. And that is the reason why I won't go on dates because my love for him goes beyond life and death. It's immortal."

Tears slowly trickled down my cheeks. I had always thought the reason for her declining dates was because she wasn't confident enough when it really was because her love for dad would always be there and present and finally, I could understand how that felt. If I were to lose Kylo someday, I don't think I could love someone as much as I loved him.

Mom sniffled and wiped away her tears, changing the subject, "We should almost be there."

"Yeah, just a couple more minutes. Do you want me to wait for you while you're at your meeting?"

"Oh no, you should explore the city," she smiled, "I think you will really like Chandrila."

After I dropped my mom off at her meeting, I decided to take her "advice" and explore the city, so I grabbed a map at the nearest tourist information center and started my own little tour, making my way to all the historically interesting attractions. 

It took me about one and a half hours until I got to the place I was really excited to see.

The University of Chandrila.

I had never gone on a tour of a university before, except of Jakku Community College, but this was a lot more different than that "tour". The tour here was given by students who were actually attending the university and not by professors who tried to be "hip" and "cool" and because the tour was free, I decided to join the group.

We walked through all the different departments, the many, many libraries and the dorms but what struck me the most was that even though there were many old buildings on campus, they still seemed to be swallowed up by the many green lawns surrounding them. And that made everything seem so mystical and unreal. 

It felt like a dream.

"Ok, so who here wants to grab a bite? I know the _best_ affordable restaurant close by," the tour guide asked and everyone excitedly chimed in.

As the group followed him to where we were going to have lunch, I kept on eyeing bulletin boards and admiring the different types of colors and the different types of topics clashing on one board. I stopped in front of one, letting the others walk ahead of me to read some pamphlets and I imagined what it would be like once I went to university. Would I also hang something up some day, hoping that someone wouldn't pin something on top of my flyer? 

_How often does that actually happen?_ I wondered as I looked underneath a few of the posts, noticing flyers that looked pretty new and some that looked pretty old. But my heart stopped when I found one specific flyer. I was mesmerized by the picture of a boy on the flyer, with dark hair, wavy at the right places and eyes full of emotion one could lose oneself in them. At first I thought my eyes were deceiving me, that I was just missing my boyfriend so much that I even imagined his picture hanging on university bulletin boards, but as I tore down the sheet of paper to take a better look at it, I noticed that that boy on the flyer was in fact my boyfriend Kylo Ren.

I started to feel as if someone had swooped the ground underneath me and I was falling down a bottomless pit. The flyer was for a missing person named "Ben Solo" and this "Ben Solo" looked not just similar, but _exactly_ like Kylo. 

_Could Kylo have a twin brother?_ I thought, looking at the picture for clear signs of differences between this boy and Kylo, but the only differences were that the boy's raven hair was a tad shorter than Kylo's and that he was wearing a dark blue sweater, everything else about this "Ben" told me that he was Kylo.

But could that even be possible? Could it be possible for Kylo to be Ben? Could it be that he ran away from here? But why? Why go missing? Why the new name? Why all of this? And why not tell me about this?

_"Who are you really?"_ I whispered, staring at the photo of the boy I thought I knew.

Mom had called me shortly after I took down the flyer and asked me about my whereabouts so she could pick me up. While I had waited for her, I read the information given on the sheet of paper underneath the picture of Kylo or Ben. 

He had been 17 when he had gone missing which was two years ago and that was about the same time when Kylo moved to Jakku. Ben had been seen last at home before he disappeared. The police had given up the search for him, but that hadn't stopped his family from looking for him. 

There had been a very bitter taste in my mouth as I looked at his family's phone number at the bottom of the page and I had even considered calling them, but I didn't know what I was going to say. 

'Hey I'm dating a guy named Kylo Ren and he looks _exactly_ like Ben Solo, but I don't know if that is just a coincidence or if he is the Ben you're looking for,' wouldn't really be the correct thing to say. And there had been another reason why I had not called them. What if he did not want to be found? I didn't even know why he ran away. For all I knew his family abused him or something and maybe he disappeared for a reason.

My mother had honked once she arrived at the university and I had quickly jammed the flyer into my jacket pocket before getting into the car.

Now I was sitting in the passenger's seat on my way to my boyfriend's place who I didn't know as much as I thought. 

I couldn't help but think about all the possible things that could've happened to lead to him disappearing and the more I thought about it, the more bizarre the scenarios became, making me swallow bitter tears before they ran down my cheeks. 

"You are awfully silent," my mom said, interrupting my thoughts. "What's wrong?"

I sat up straight and stared at the familiar street leading to Kylo's apartment as mom slowed down the car until it came to a halt. "Everything's fine," I lied as I unbuckled my seatbelt to grab my bag lying on the backseat. 

Mom put her hand on my forearm and I turned to face her. She cleared her throat and stared at me with a _very_ uncomfortable look on her face before starting, "Rey, now that you have a boyfriend and you are staying at his place tonight, I thought it would be appropriate to have a very _specific_ talk with you." 

I stared at her in disbelief and felt color rising in my cheeks. 

_She isn't really going to do this, is she?_

"Mom, please don't do this, ok?" I told her, trying to keep her from telling me about sex and protection. I already knew about the "talk" my mom was about to give me, it wasn't like I was born yesterday.

"Baby, I just need you to know how to be _safe_."

" _Mom, please_ stop," I pleaded. "Please don't give me the 'talk'. It was already really uncomfortable when they taught us all that stuff in school. There is no need for a recap."

She let out a huge sigh and smiled. "I'm so glad, honey. I wouldn't even know where to start." 

I gave her a kiss on her cheek and said, "I think I saved us both some trouble," and got out of the car. "I'll call you tomorrow. Love you."

"I love you too," she smiled. "And be safe!" mom shouted out of the open window of her car as she drove off.

I let myself let out a silent laugh before turning to enter the gray building I had entered many times before.

It was almost like an out-of-body experience when I knocked on Kylo's door. I didn't know what to do or say after seeing a "missing person" flyer with his picture on it. Should I ask him about it? Should I even mention it at all? 

I was being so torn apart by what to do I hadn't even noticed that Kylo opened the door and that I was already standing in his hallway.

"Rey, is everything ok?" Kylo asked, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking into my eyes, worry painted across his pale face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was just a really long day and I'm just tired," I lied before cupping his cheek and softly kissing him, my nerves still tingling by the touch of his lips even though I felt so conflicted that I thought I was numb. I felt as if my body wasn't mine anymore. 

I felt lied to.

Kylo searched my face and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear, mentioning, "I got the movies you told me about and some popcorn. Are you ready for our movie night?" He grinned and nodded his head to the living room before letting go of my shoulders and walking into the next room.

I half-faked a smile, still not able to choke down the thoughts of the missing boy in Chandrila. Of the missing boy standing in front of me.

Everything around me seemed so still, so slow, so quiet. I could only hear my heart drumming in my ears with every heavy step I took. Each and every step telling me to say something, _anything_ to Kylo about what I had seen, what I held in my pocket, but also telling me to hold back, not to even dare mention a _thing_.

I felt like going insane. How could I want to know about what had happened and also want to ignore what I found at the same time? How come I felt like I knew him so well but I also thought he turned into a stranger?

How could I be so afraid of losing the love I felt for him when I loved him with all my soul?

The many voices of my conscience fought with each other, telling me to ask him about who he really was and risk our relationship and stay silent and enjoy the love we shared, a love with no complications. 

And I wanted to keep on living like this, loving like this and just forget I ever saw that picture of him, forget that I ever read that he wasn't the person I thought he was.

But I knew that I couldn't live like that, I knew myself better than that. I fell in love with Kylo and all his flaws. I fell in love with him, even though I knew he wasn't so innocent.

I fell in love with _him_. 

I stopped in my tracks, standing so close behind my boyfriend I could almost feel every nerve run through his body. I almost believed that if I just placed my hand on his back, I could feel everything he felt. 

But that wouldn't bring me the truth I wanted to know. The truth I _needed_ to know.

I swallowed down the voices telling me to stop, to just abandon what I wanted to hear before I finally spoke, breaking the conflict in my mind. 

"Ben?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this another cliffhanger? (I'm so sorry)  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter despite having to wait for the next one!
> 
> And thank you again for the comments and kudos! <3
> 
> You can find me on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) and [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fake-laughter-and-fake-friends)!


	34. Love is Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt my jaw working as I suppressed tears while looking at the flyer in my hands. She was still looking for me, she still wanted me to come home.
> 
> Even after all I had done.
> 
> "It _is_ you," Rey echoed, breaking the silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You are crazy  
> A perfect liar  
> Simply save me  
> Love, love"
> 
> _Love is Madness_ by Thirty Seconds to Mars feat. Halsey
> 
> Trigger Warning: Gun violence
> 
> And some explicit content ;)

Kylo

My heart stopped and disbelief and fear froze me to the bone.

_Did Rey say my name, my_ real _name? The one I grew up with, the one I hadn't heard in a long time? The one I didn't_ _create to easily run away from the pain I had created back at home?_

_Could it be or am I being delusional? There is no way for her to find out who I really am. No one here knows about my_ _true identity, only Snoke and Hux, and even Hux isn't_ that _stupid to think about snitching. Snoke would probably_ _behead him if he were to reveal anything._

_But I_ know _she said 'Ben'. I could never forget that name. Never._

Slowly, I turned around to face Rey again only to see her face full of questions and her eyes full of all different kinds of emotion. Fear, sadness, anger, confusion, compassion and worry were taunting me in her beautiful hazel irises. They wanted me to speak, to say something. To finally reveal the truth to her.

But I couldn't make a sound. I didn't know what to tell her. If I told her who I was, what I had done to become the person I was now, she would give me the same look she had when she despised me, when she called me a "monster" because she thought I had helped Snoke drug her. She would finally realize that it was true, that it was who I was meant to be and that I could never be more than a "monster" to her.

Rey took a step closer, pulling a crumpled sheet of paper out of her pocket and handing it to me, never breaking eye contact.

I felt myself inhale sharply as soon as I saw the picture on the flyer. It had been my mother's favorite photo of me, of course she would use it to try and find me. She had always told me that she loved the way my hair looked on the picture, sort of messy but in a neat way, kind of like my father's when he had been younger.

My mother often told me how much I had reminded her of him, which I thought was pretty ironic because I had actually spent most of my time at home before Snoke had found me.

I felt my jaw working as I suppressed tears while looking at the flyer in my hands. She was still looking for me, she still wanted me to come home.

Even after all I had done.

"It _is_ you," Rey echoed, breaking the silence.

My gaze quickly flicked back to her and she stared up at me, her eyebrows slightly furrowed and a frown replacing her heartbreaking smile.

"Where did you get this from?" I asked, avoiding her eyes because I couldn't bear looking into them without giving into the truth.

"I found it hanging on a bulletin board at the University of Chandrila when I was taking a tour of the school while my mom was at her meeting."

I scoffed thinking, _Of course she would put up flyers there. She probably thought I would go back home to study at university. Yeah right, like I would return to the scene of the crime._

"Ben, why did you run away?" Rey muttered and at the mention my name I couldn't help but look at her again, even though I tried my best to avoid her gaze. I should've been afraid of her knowing about my real name, but the way it melted in her mouth when she said it was as if it didn't matter to her who I really was, making me feel something other than fear. Maybe I was going mad, but I felt as if I could trust Rey with _everything_ , with _every_ dark secret I kept to myself all these years.

"Because of what I did, Rey," I began, taking another glance at the picture my mother loved so much. At the boy she loved. "Because I shot him."

"Who?" Rey whispered, carefully taking another step closer to me.

I knew that the next words I was about to say were going to change the way she looked at me, probably even her feelings for me, but I was so sick of hiding from her. Rey was far more important to me than all my demons.

"My father," I answered and I felt her body tense as I stared at the floor in fear of her reaction.

In fear of having to watch her leave me.

But she didn't go.

Not yet at least.

Rey hesitated, taking a small step back before asking in merely a whisper, "Why did you kill your father?"

I shook my head, holding back bitter tears. "You wouldn't understand. It's a long story."

"Then help me understand," said Rey, whirling my emotions inside me.

And then it felt like I fell apart, like the shell around my completely cracked and Ben Solo could finally be heard.

"Ever since I was a child my parents had hardly ever been there for me. My mother was mayor of Chandrila so she always put her work ahead of everything else because her whole identity revolved around her work and the appearances she had to make at certain events, and my father was always gone, either on business trips or somewhere gambling with his best friend, clearly avoiding his moody son. Both of them had better things to do than make sure their kid didn't feel alone and abandoned.

"There were some moments when we were like a family, when we were all together, eating at the dinner table, laughing and talking, but that didn't change the fact that when I got older, the feeling of being alone did not go away and that exact feeling soon turned to unbearable pain that began tearing me apart and I started questioning if I even belonged there, if I even belonged anywhere.

"I didn't have any friends in Chandrila because who would want to be friends with the mayor's strange son? Exactly, no one. So when Snoke found me and reached out to me, I had the feeling that if I joined them, the First Order, I wouldn't have to be alone anymore, that I finally could have friends. I thought I could finally belong somewhere. But joining the First Order came with a price. Snoke had begun telling me that my dad had been the origin of my pain, that everything had been his fault because he could've been there for me, that he could've taken care of me and the only way to get rid of the pain inside me was to get rid of _him_. And of course I believed Snoke because he had been my only friend.

"So when the time came, I did it, I killed my father. I hesitated at first, but Snoke's voice kept on haunting me over and over again until it was too late and I pulled the trigger. And then I ran. Away from the scene, away from Chandrila, away from home. I didn't even stop to check if he might be ok after all, I just fled the scene. I had committed a crime, I would've ended up in jail if someone found me, so Snoke had decided to escape to Jakku with me, giving me a whole new identity, a whole new life away from my past in Chandrila with no unbearable pain. Or so I thought.

"The problem was that even though I seemed to have gotten rid of the origin of my pain, I still felt utterly alone. Alone and filled with _regret_ over what I had done, and I felt like no one knew me and that I still didn't belong. Until I met you. You saw so much more in me than anyone else, even more than Snoke, almost as if you could see through me and see the boy inside me. And it seemed to me that even though you could see through my shell, you still wanted to be with me because of who you thought I was. But now you _know_ what I am. You _know_ what I did to become _this_ _..._ this _monster_ ," I concluded, folding up the flyer while walking over to the kitchen counter to place it there.

I felt lighter now, as if I had gotten rid of all the heavy baggage I had been carrying these past years. But I still couldn't dare look at Rey. She would have to think I was insane, that I wasn't stable and that I could hurt her any moment, but I _knew_ I would never do that. I would hate myself if I were ever the reason she got hurt.

I held my breath, preparing myself to hear the front door slam shut and to sense the emptiness of my apartment, to welcome the darkness I had felt so many years again, but to my surprise I could feel her warm arms wrap around my abdomen and her head rest against my back.

"Thank you," Rey whispered and the sudden knot in my stomach vanished. She sounded so sincere, so understanding and as I turned around to face her again she looked at me with a gleam in her eyes that told me that it was ok, that everything was going to be ok from now on.

I couldn't understand how Rey could stay so calm after what I had just told her. "Why are you thanking me? Aren't you afraid? Don't you think I'm crazy?" I questioned.

"No, because you are still the person I got to get to know and just because you told me how you ended up to be like this doesn't change the way I feel about you. And I see that it's tearing you apart, that you regret what Snoke forced you to do, and I know it's horrible, but you can't change your past. The future, on the other hand, is all yours."

I searched her face in disbelief, _Is she really telling me to let go of the past?_

She laced her fingers with mine and smiled up at me, flashing me with one of her beautiful sheepish grins before saying, "Come on, I believe we have a couple of movies to watch," as she pulled my hand to follow her to the couch.

After finishing the third and last movie for the night, I thought Rey had fallen asleep in my arms because she had been lying very still for the last half hour of the movie. I decided to just stay there for a while, enjoying the way her body curved against mine and feeling her breath catch in her lungs before she let it all out very slowly.

_What did I do to deserve her?_ I wondered, _What did I do to deserve someone who found out what I had done and how_ _horrible I was and_ still _want to stay with me?_

I gave in to a small smile as I thought about how lucky I was to be with Rey. She had done so much for me in so little time. She had made me feel again, she had showed me that it is ok to ask for help and most importantly, she showed me that I should not hide from her.

Rey was everything to me. She was the light that shone through all the darkness that clouded my mind.

Rey stirred and slowly turned her head to take a look at me.

_Shit, did I wake her up?_ I sort of panicked , but as I looked into her eyes I saw no sign of sleep at all, but instead there was something else, a glisten in her hazel eyes that made my heart beat nervously.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, searching her eyes.

_Why is she looking at me like that?_

"Nothing," she answered spinning around to run her hand through my hair, electrifying every nerve in my body with the smallest touch. Rey cleared her throat and a red color began making itself visible in her cheeks. "Can we go to bed?" she spoke very softly and I nodded in response.

From the tone of her voice, I could've thought she was tired, but the look in her eyes told me otherwise.

We made our way into my bedroom and I was suddenly pressed against the door by Rey's body as soon as I shut it behind us. She stood on her toes as she raised her face up to mine and stared at me with a glint of longing in her eyes that wiped away all the innocence they displayed before, making my pulse rise before capturing her perfect wanting lips with my own.

Rey wrapped her arms around my neck as her body rose against mine and I wove my fingers into her hair, accidentally undoing her buns and feeling the looseness of her chocolate brown waves around my fingers. We gave into each other with every kiss, with every touch while our body temperatures began to rise, but we didn't dare break away from each other. We didn't dare break this connection.

We kissed each other as if our own survival depended on it, as if we were each other's oxygen. And the way she ran her hands all over my body made me feel as if I were on the verge of madness. Rey was setting me on fire and I let her, only throwing more logs into the flame.

I noticed her knees wobbling because she couldn't stand on her toes for much longer and I decided to pick her up and wrap her legs around my waist as I carried her to the bed.

Rey pulled me closer to her, as we passionately kissed one another once I was on top of her. Our bodies were so close I could feel every one of her curves underneath her clothes and her heart pound aggressively against my chest.

Her legs were still wrapped around my waist and I could feel my penis painfully throb against my jeans as her hips made a swaying movement underneath me. Rey smiled against my lips and for a short moment I was embarrassed because she probably felt my erection against her inner thigh, but in a swift movement she managed to pin me against the mattress, straddling me with her legs. Her hair ran over one side of her face and her cheeks were flushed when her face hovered over mine and I could feel the sting of her lips against mine without them even touching. I thought I was going to lose my mind if I waited any longer for our lips to meet. I cupped her cheek and pulled her lips to mine, while I slowly traced her figure with my other hand. Our breathing became louder with ever fiery kiss and our lips started to ache whenever we pulled away from each other.

Once my hand rested on her hip, Rey sat up straight and I followed, still holding on to her. Her hands wandered from my shoulders down my back and under my shirt, softly tracing her fingers around my bare skin. I tore away from her soft lips to pull off my shirt.

Once I was bare-chested, Rey stared at me while her fingers softly traced the scar running from my face to my collar bone before kissing my right shoulder causing me to inhale sharply. Her lips journeyed along my scar as well, slowly and agonizingly. And when her mouth hovered just mere inches over mine, she pulled off her own shirt, revealing the white bra she wore underneath.

I began kissing her neck and collar bone while my hands ran down her back, hearing the stifled moans that tried to escape her mouth and as my lips ran down her cleavage I could feel her claw at my back in response. As I raised my face to hers while she straddled me, Rey took my hands and led them to her bra-fastener. My heart began beating violently while my hands undid her bra and she slowly let it slide down her upper body. I gently cupped her breasts, gently kissing them and in response Rey let out a gasp, arching her back while digging her fingers into my hair, causing me to completely lose my mind.

I rolled her back onto the mattress and intertwined our lips again when I felt her hands untangle themselves from my hair to find my jeans. Pulling away, I looked down to see her fumbling with my pants and when we locked eyes, I asked huskily, "Are you sure you want this?"

Rey quickly kissed me and answered, "Yes, Ben, I am sure."

I nervously smirked and began kissing her again, helping her get rid of my pants and then helping her slide off her own.

We were now only in our underwear and with every kiss I knew what was coming next and I began to become very nervous.

Nervous because I was taking the next step with the girl I loved.

I took a deep breath before reaching for a condom in my nightstand. I was shaking and my mind kept on telling me that I was going to fuck this up and that Rey would regret ever sleeping with me. My hands shook so uncontrollably, I couldn't even manage to tear open the wrapper around the condom.

Rey placed her hand on top of mine and uttered, "Don't be afraid, I feel it too." And for some reason, knowing that she was also nervous made me feel _less_ nervous. It was going to be her first time and I needed to stay calm for her.

Once I slid on the condom, I softly kissed Rey again as she took off her panties.

I hesitated before entering her because I didn't want to hurt her, but Rey placed a hand on my lower back, slowly pushing me inside her.

Her breathing hitched once I was inside her and I gently moved my hips back in forth as I stared into her eyes.

Having sex with Rey was different, _better_ than all that meaningless fucking with every other girl. I wouldn't have to leave after finishing, I wouldn't have to avert my eyes to not remember what she looked like.

I could kiss her and whisper her name. I could trace her body and remember what she liked. I could hold her against my body as if I feared of letting her go.

Rey bit her lip and her cheeks began to flare as I thrust against her harder and faster and her nails began digging into my back as she moaned. She gasped and arched her as I cupped one of her breasts, feeling myself about to climax.

Our sweating bodies slammed against one another and our breathing became louder with every time our hips connected until our lips collided against each other, following our releases and heaving breaths as we stared at each other, flushed, out of breath and small smiles painting our lips before we let go of each other to lie next to each other in bed.

I turned to my side and stared down at her, grinning like a goof when she leaned her head against my chest.

"What? What is it?" she asked, still out of breath.

I kissed her forehead and answered, "I'm just so happy to have you, Rey. You mean _everything_ to me."

Rey looked up at me, her hazel eyes dazed and her hair a beautiful mess. "You also mean everything to me, Ben," she muttered and kissed me gently before resting her head against my chest again. We just lay there with my arms wrapped around her as she soundlessly fell asleep and I could only hear my heart hammer inside my chest, each time only beating for Rey until I fell asleep myself. The way we should always fall asleep.

Next to each other and in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers!  
> Sorry for the late update but life has been stressful lately. I hope you still enjoyed this chapter nonetheless!  
> For anyone who skipped to the end because of the trigger warning:  
> Kylo told Rey what he did to end up in Jakku and expects her to leave him but instead she tells him that she only cares about who he is now and what he can become.   
> Then later that evening they sleep with one another for the first time. 
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos! You are all so amazing!
> 
> Hit me up on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/) and [Tumblr](https://fake-laughter-and-fake-friends.tumblr.com/)!


	35. No Matter What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's soft lips parted as his eyes searched my face, his gaze dancing between my eyes and my mouth until he inched closer to capture my lips in a breathtaking kiss. And I would've let him kiss me, if I didn't know what his intentions were.
> 
> "You're just trying to distract me so you can win," I uttered against his mouth and watched a smirk paint his face as he answered smugly.
> 
> "Well, is it working?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We're indestructible, we are untouchable  
> Nothing can take us down tonight  
> You are so beautiful, it should be criminal  
> That you could be mine."
> 
> _No Matter What_ by Papa Roach

Rey

"Wow, you really suck at this game," I teased Ben as I beat him in his favorite video game _again_.

We had been playing this one-on-one combat game for about an hour now and I started to believe that he wasn't as good as he said he was.

"That is because I'm _letting_ you win," Ben lied huffing. I turned to face him and saw him smile softly at me, lighting up all his beautiful features as he looked me up and down, and added, "You look beautiful."

I felt heat rising to my cheeks and embarrassedly averted my eyes.

_How could he say I look beautiful when I look like a complete mess?_ I asked myself. I was wearing one of his black sweaters which hung loosely around my slim figure and a pair of his dark boxers. My brown bed-head was tied in a messy bun on the top of my head with a few strands hanging loosely around my face. This was my "I'm-still-pretty-exhausted-and-could-sleep-for-a-couple-more-hours" look. I _never_ looked good like this.

And still he tried to make the effort to make me feel beautiful, even if I knew he was lying.

"Liar," I whispered and let my eyes wander back to his, awaiting the lie hidden behind a wall I had to break down, but to my surprise they shone brightly with honesty and I noticed how hot my cheeks felt.

He really _did_ tell the truth. He really _did_ think I looked beautiful like this.

Ben's soft lips parted as his eyes searched my face, his gaze dancing between my eyes and my mouth until he inched closer to capture my lips in a breathtaking kiss. And I would've let him kiss me, if I didn't know what his intentions were.

"You're just trying to distract me so you can win," I uttered against his mouth and watched a smirk paint his face as he answered smugly.

"Well, is it working?"

My lips quickly wrapped around his and he tossed the controllers on the floor before deepening the kiss while pushing against me until I gave in and he was on top of me as we made out on the couch. Each kiss we shared sent uncontrollable sparks through my veins making me want more of him. I wanted his skin to set my skin aflame, I wanted to drown in his touch, I wanted to feel as if I were able to feel every fiber of his being.

Our hips connected and disconnected in a synced rhythm and I felt myself cling to him as our breathing became heavier and our kisses more desperate by the minute. We both knew what our make-out session was leading to and we both knew either one of us wanted it to happen, but before anything could happen Ben's phone started to go off and I knew _exactly_ who was calling.

_Snoke_.

Ben stared down at me, his dark brown eyes reflecting the regret he felt before getting up to answer his call.

I silently moaned in distress to myself as Ben talked to Snoke.

_Can't he just tell him to call later?_

Watching Ben hang up, I noticed how his muscles tensed as he turned around to face me. He was biting the inside of his lip and rubbed his hands against his jeans as he sat back down, trying to avoid eye contact. He didn't want to tell me that he had to go.

"So what did Snoke want?" I asked, trying to sound somewhat cheerful and not as if I knew what he was going to tell me as I hugged him from behind and kissed his cheek.

Ben slowly relaxed and responded in a sigh, "Snoke needs me to handle something for him. He told me to get to his place _immediately_." He slightly raised his gaze to mine and added, "I'm so sorry Rey."

I tried to act like everything was ok, that it didn't bother me so much that I had to go home and he had to go to Snoke's even though we had hardly spent any time together the past weeks. I didn't want him to feel guilty because I knew he did everything Snoke told him to just because he feared that Snoke would want to get to me.

"It's fine, don't worry. I should be getting home anyways." I faked a smile and kissed him before getting up to get properly dressed.

"Let me drive you home, ok? And let me make it up to you. How about Friday night? I'll cook something for the both of us?" Ben suggested, taking my small hand in his and squeezing it while staring into my eyes with a pleading look that brutally twisted my insides in a way I never wanted to feel again.

"That sounds nice," I said and he exhaled and smiled warmly before planting a soft kiss on my hand and letting go.

"Thank you, Rey. Thank you for being with me even though it's not as easy as it would be if you were with someone else."

I caressed his scarred cheek and uttered, "I wouldn't want to be with _anybody_ else, Ben. I just want to be with you. No matter what."

_No matter how many obstacles the First Order will try and put in our way, we will manage to get through._

_Together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I'm sorry that this chapter is a little bit shorter, but it is important nonetheless (you'll see later, I promise).
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos! I am so happy that you are enjoying this story!
> 
> You can hit me up on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/rainyplumsy/)!


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